zipper Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious zipper puns

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Why do the Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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What has 100 teeth and keeps Godzilla at bay?

My zipper

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Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

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What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping?

My zipper.

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A drunk man stumbles around downtown..

and he is approached by a cop.
The cop says, "Excuse me sir, where are you going?"

The drunk replies with a slurred "I'm just looking for my car, but I can't find it. I think someone took it."

"Well where was the last place you saw it?"

The drunk says "Right here on the the end of this key" and hold up his car keys.

The cop goes to arrest the man but stops when he notices the drunk's zipper is down. He says "Sir do you know your fly is down?"

The drunk looks down and exclaims "Shit they got my girlfriend too!"

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What has over a hundred teeth and keeps back Godzilla?

my zipper!

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Zipper joke.

(Heard this today from a nice women, so not mine obviously. Thought itd be good here. )

In New york the new buses have a pretty steep first ledge to get on them. A woman wearing a tight skirt tries to get on. She reaches her leg up but it is no good. So she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt down just a little. She tries again and still can't. So she unzips it even more down, but still isn't enough and unzips it down more again.

Finally the man behind her picks her up by her waist and puts her on the bus.

The woman gasps "thats rude how dare you touch me."

The man responds, "well after you unzipped my pants three times i figured we were friends."

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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

...because sheep run at the sound of a zipper

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Bill and Tom want to go out drinking

The problem is Bill and Tom only have $2 between them. Billy gets and idea, runs over to 7/11 and buys a hot dog. They get to the first bar, order a beer and drink the beer. When it's time to pay, Bill places the hot dog between his zipper, Tom gets on his knees and starts sucking the hot dog. Bartender looks at what's going on and yells "get the hell out of my bar". This tricks works for the next few bars, however Tom looks at Bill and says, you know this is fun and all, but I'm getting kind of hungry. To which Billy replies, not me I ate the hot dog three bars ago.

LPT: instead of Bill and Tom, use your two best friends names.

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Merging in traffic. If you do it right - its just like a zipper

But it only takes one dick to stop a zipper.

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Scots vs English

Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards.

Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.

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A man walks into a bathroom and asks another man for help "please undo my zipper!" NSFW

Other guy nearly refuses but, upon noticing the man doesn't have arms, reluctantly unzips him and begins to walk away.

"Please, help me pull it out and, if you wouldn't mind, zip me back up when I'm done."

Feeling sorry for his fellow man, and recognizing the need to assist him, he pulls out the guy's junk. Curiosity gets to him and he glances down, only to have his eyes greeted by the most grotesquely swollen, festering, pustule filled, oozing penis. He quietly has a meltdown but let's the man finish and zips him up.

"Hey, man, what the heck is wrong with your dick?"

Man throws his arms out of his shirt sleeves, "Hell, I don't know but I ain't touching it!"

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[NSFW] A man has a pet duck...

The man tries to take his duck to go watch a movie

However, the theatre attendants forbid the man from taking his pet duck inside the cinema.

The man does not get discoraged and decides to sneak in his duck by placing it in his pants.

He successfully makes it inside the cinema with his duck and sits besides two women.

The man then remembers that the duck has to breathe and so he pulls down his pant's zipper so the duck may breathe .

Once the movie starts one of the women besides the man tells the other woman, "That man's *thing* is showing..."

To this the other woman replies , "What's the matter? Have you not seen one before?"

The other woman answered, "Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn!"

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Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle...

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.

His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.

They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.

They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

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The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose. But they wont let the goose in. So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.

After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air.

The goose sticks his head out of the farmers zipper and is thrilled he can watch the movie. But he can't see so he stretches his neck out to see the screen.

After about 10 minutes the old woman sitting next to the farmer says to him "I have to say you are quite talented, In my experience If you've seen one you've seen them all, but this one is eating my popcorn. What are you doing after the movie"

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What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk?

My zipper.

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A pirate walks into a bar...

... with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper. The bartender notices, and says to the pirate, "Hey, buddy. You know you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants?" The pirate looks at the bartender with an annoyed stare and says, "Arrrrr! I know. It's driving me nuts."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper...

He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, "whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?" The pirate just says, "yaarrg its drivin' me nuts"

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How do boys figure out how to use a zipper?

They learn on the fly.

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A pirate walks into a bar

And the bartender says, "hey, you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your zipper?". The pirate replies,"arrr, I know, it's driving me nuts".

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What has 200 teeth and holds back Godzilla?

My zipper

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A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary replied, Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!

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A Mothers Secret

A mom was teaching her 4 year old son to zip up his jacket.

The secret, she explained, is getting the little straight piece all the way into the little slot before you pull up the zipper.

Her son looked up at her and said, Mom, why does that have to be a secret?

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Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.

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What has 140 metal teeth and holds back the world's biggest monster?

My zipper.

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Guy on holiday in a small city in the German alps. It's getting dark. He decides to go out for dinner. ~[nsfw]

Finds a restaurant, is seated and reads the menue when he notices the waiter has a piece of red string hanging out of his zipper.
Guy asks: "What is up with that red twine?"
Waiter says: "Our owner had some consultant come in and try and improve business. We now carry this bag with an extra spoon. In case we drop a spoon we dont have to waste time running back in the kitchen but can just hand out this one."
Guy asks again: "And the string was also the consultant's idea?"
Waiter says: "Yes. It's tied around our Penis. On the toilet we can save time by pulling it out with the string and dont have to wash our hands, since we didn't touch it."
Guy asks: "So, how do you put it back in you trousers?"
Waiter answers: "I dont know how the others do it, but I just use this extra spoon we carry."

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A pint

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.

Paddy goes off and buys a sausage, Murphy says "Are you mad? Now we'r skint!"

"Come on" says Paddy, "follow me". They go into the pub, order 2 pints and drink them before paying. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans, and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says "I can't do this any more my knees are sore and I'm pissed."

"How do you think I feel", says Paddy, "I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

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Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine?

Chernobyl fall out

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What has 341 teeth and holds back The Hulk?

My zipper.

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Why do Arabs wear thawbs?

Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Two men wisely spend one dollar..

Two men only have a dollar to spend. They both decide to spend this dollar on a beer. One of them leaves and comes back with a hot dog.

"Why did you buy a hotdog? You were supposed to get a beer!"

"Listen, I'm going to put this hot dog in my zipper. We will go to all the gay bars around here and I'll get down on you. The bartenders and people will love us so much that we will get free beer all night!"

The two men ended up going to 9 bars, getting free beer the whole way. When they get to the tenth bar one guy looks to the other and says..

"Hey, my knees are starting to hurt from getting down on you so much."

The other guy replies, "You think you've got it bad? You lost that hot dog 4 bars ago."

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Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Why do you always close your zipper when visiting Ukraine?

Cause Chernobyl fallout.

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To tell me my zipper was open, a girl tells me, "your garage is open"

I said, "did you see my ford mustang gt super sport?"

She said "No, but i did see your mini cooper with two flat tires"

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What are the most funny Zipper jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Zipper? Well, here are the best Zipper dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Zipper pick up lines to share with friends.

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