Zipper Down Jokes

Two croupiers are sitting bored at the roulette of THE CASINO.
Suddenly a very attractive blonde woman enters and bets $20,000 on a roll, saying: "I hope you do not mind, but I feel very lucky when I play n**...."
With that, she unbuttons the zipper, takes her dress and underwear off, throw the dice and yells: "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!"
She looks with agony and as soon as the dice stops, starts jumping up and down screaming: "YES, YES, YES I WON!"
She embraces one to one of the dealers, taking her profits and clothes and disappears.
The guys are looking dumbfounded at each other.
Eventually, one asks: "Did you see what dice she rolled?"
"I do not know, I thought you were watching!"

The manager hired a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

Miniskirt

A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A b**... blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.
She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.
Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.
"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".

Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"

On A Desert Island For 10 Years

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

Two hunters with a cunning plan

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a cunning plan.
They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them.
They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him!"
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts - "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"
The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!"

Two men wisely spend one dollar..

Two men only have a dollar to spend. They both decide to spend this dollar on a beer. One of them leaves and comes back with a hot dog.
"Why did you buy a hotdog? You were supposed to get a beer!"
"Listen, I'm going to put this hot dog in my zipper. We will go to all the gay bars around here and I'll get down on you. The bartenders and people will love us so much that we will get free beer all night!"
The two men ended up going to 9 bars, getting free beer the whole way. When they get to the tenth bar o**... looks to the other and says..
"Hey, my knees are starting to hurt from getting down on you so much."
The other guy replies, "You think you've got it bad? You lost that hot dog 4 bars ago."

Zipper joke.

(Heard this today from a nice women, so not mine obviously. Thought itd be good here. )
In New york the new buses have a pretty steep first ledge to get on them. A woman wearing a tight skirt tries to get on. She reaches her leg up but it is no good. So she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt down just a little. She tries again and still can't. So she unzips it even more down, but still isn't enough and unzips it down more again.
Finally the man behind her picks her up by her waist and puts her on the bus.
The woman gasps "thats rude how dare you touch me."
The man responds, "well after you unzipped my pants three times i figured we were friends."

blond joke

A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle...

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose. But they wont let the goose in. So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.
After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air.
The goose sticks his head out of the farmers zipper and is thrilled he can watch the movie. But he can't see so he stretches his neck out to see the screen.
After about 10 minutes the old woman sitting next to the farmer says to him "I have to say you are quite talented, In my experience If you've seen one you've seen them all, but this one is eating my popcorn. What are you doing after the movie"

British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!

On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!!! That's what I call service!…."

A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?
The secretary replied, Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!