zen Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious zen puns

A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?"

"Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."

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Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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A zen student asked his master: Is it okay to use email?

Yes , replied the master, but with no attachments.

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Jesus Crust

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.

The priest says "look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Zen master replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens"

HINDUISM: This shit happened before

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it

AGNOSTICS: Facts happen

EVANGELISTS: Send me Β£8 million or shit will happen to you

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit

ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens

JEHOVA'S WITNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens

Edit : RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit (Thanks u/rakshu)

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Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

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What did the Zen Buddhist say to his dog ?

Nama ! Stay .

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A Zen Master...

Walks up to a hotdog stand and says,

"Make me one with everything."

-That's the best I've got

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Three men are chatting about thier girlfriends.

The Italian man says, 'When I've finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy'.

His French friend replies, 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer sole of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.

Thier Aussie mate adds, 'Mate, that's nothing. When i've finished shaggin' me chick, I get out of bed, Walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the fuckin' roof!'

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A zen master visits New York City.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."Β 
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.Β 
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.Β 
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

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A guide to spirituality.

Religious Views of Life

Taoism - Shit happens

Confucianism - Confucious says, shit happens.

Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism - This shit happened before.

Islam - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism - If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism - Why does shit always happen to us?

Atheism - I don't believe this shit.

Agnosticism - What is this shit?

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My Japanese dentist became a woman.

He's a trans zen dentalist.

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What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who's been bugging you all day?

A Buddha Pest.

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Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.

He was sinking?

Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!

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Your moment of Zen

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

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A Zen Buddhist and a Christian got in a fight over a neighborhood nativity scene last winter. The Buddhist trashed the 3 Wisemen display right before he went to temple.


They charged him with premeditated myrrhder.

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A novice asked his zen master if it's ok for Buddhists to use email.

The master answered: "Yes. But no attachments."

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Fucking engineering students

A local Zen master is very well known for his inspirational consulting and has gave enlightenment to many teenagers. One day the Zen master found a youngster knocking on his door seeking consulting:


Student: Master, I love my girlfriend a lot, she has a lot of good qualities, but she also have a few very bad qualities about her. How can I correct her ways so I can get a perfect girl friend?

Master: Young man, nothing is perfect in this world, just like how papers always have a front-side and a back-side...

The student pulls out a MΓΆbius strip.

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I asked a Buddhist how they managed to deal with past hurts.

They replied "That was zen and this is now"

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A Zen master once said to me, 'Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.'

So I didn't

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... a Buddhist Monk goes into a Zen pizza parlor & says, "Make me one with everything."

The Zen Monk goes, "very funny... that'll be $16."
The Buddhist gives him a $20 bill.
The Zen monk puts it in the till and walks off.
The Buddhist monk says, "Hey where's my change?"
The Zen monk calls back, "Change comes from within."

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A zen student asked his master if it was okay to send emails

The master replied "Yes, but no attachments!"

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How do Buddhist monks compare interests?

With zen diagrams!

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Zen Koan

If a man falls in the woods, do the trees clap?

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Bush

My friend who is terrified of flying just texted me that hes flying to chicago for thanksgiving and that the radio is playing glycerin by bush and how it reminds him of 8th grade.
Then i answer: if the plane starts going down maybe they will play everything zen!

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I was going to make a joke about relaxing meditation techniques...

...but zen again, maybe I won't.

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The Zen Master ordered a hotdog and said.....

I want one with everything

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What does a zen ghost say?

Boo, duh...

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Zen Master-bation

What is the sound of one hand frapping?

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"Turn right at the next corner..."

"...and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

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What did the zen Buddhist say to the pizza vendor?

Make me one with everything

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I'm the most zen motherfucker alive...

I am one with your mom.

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I had my carpenter build a $9,000 finished wood riser for my Peloton bike in my glass-enclosed zen garden/home gym.

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How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

There is no light bulb.

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A drunk zen monk stumbles down the street, spots an odd-looking hat, picks it up, puts it on and is instantly enlightened.

It's a traffic koan.

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What are the most funny Zen jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Zen? Well, here are the best Zen dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Zen pick up lines to share with friends.

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