Zealand Jokes

67 zealand jokes and hilarious zealand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about zealand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your friends crack up with these hilarious New Zealand jokes! From mutton-based puns to witty remarks about Wellington, these ewe-nique jokes are sure to make your mates the life of any party.

Funniest Zealand Short Jokes

Short zealand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The zealand humour may include short ewe jokes also.

  1. I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had. But he fell asleep while counting.
  2. A new Zealand joke Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?
    They saw what happened to the sheep
  3. Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.
  4. New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep... Meat and wool.
    (Exchange for Welshmen if need be)
  5. What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States? In New Zealand the sheep have four legs
  6. Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts? Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers
  7. Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing? Because it combines the two things they are best at,
    sitting down,
    and going backward....
  8. Do you know why New Zealand has banned blind people from bungee jumping? It kept scaring the life out of the seeing eye dogs.
  9. To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous. You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.
  10. Oscar Pistorius was keen to get a new bathroom door.... but his girlfriend was dead against it.
    Source: Scorch-O-Rama cafe, Wellington, New Zealand

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Zealand One Liners

Which zealand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with zealand? I can suggest the ones about export and new zealanders.

  1. How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass? Rather enjoyable
  2. New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep Meat and wool.
  3. Nothing ever happens in New Zealand… It hippens.
  4. What do you call a sunburnt New Zealander? A strawberry kiwi.
  5. How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass? Irresistible.
  6. What is a New Zealanders favourite love song? I cant help falling in love with ewe..
  7. What do you call a new-zealander with multiple girlfriends? A shepherd
  8. Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
  9. Where do New Zealanders bury lobsided people? Asymmetry
  10. What do you call a smart Australian? A New Zealander
  11. What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say? Hey Bro
    (Read in your best Kiwi accent)
  12. What's a New Zealander's favorite car? The Kia Ora.
  13. Why Lord of The Rings was shot in New Zealand? Because there are no Two Towers in U.S.A.
  14. A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia. He got two stars.
  15. What language does a New Zealander Rabbi use to greet people? HeyBru

New Zealand Jokes

Here is a list of funny new zealand jokes and even better new zealand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for North Korean aggression... He'd have invaded New Zealand by now...
  • I was fired for flying my plane from New Zealand to Hawaii. They said I really crossed the line.
  • After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.... ...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."
  • There are three kinds of people in New Zealand.. The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..
  • How do New Zealander's find sheep in long grass? Delightful
  • What do you call a gay New Zealander? A kiwi fruit
  • What do you call a bachelor from New Zealand? Two Thirds Because of the recurring SIX
  • What do you say to a Jewish New Zealander? Hee brew
  • Why did the New Zealand dairy Make the Greek dairy go out of business. Their cows were feta.
  • The New Zealand Military

Australia Zealand Jokes

Here is a list of funny australia zealand jokes and even better australia zealand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical? It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia.
  • Who invented the Pavlova, New Zealand or Australia? Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Zealand joke, Who invented the Pavlova, New Zealand or Australia?

New Zealand Kiwi Jokes

Here is a list of funny new zealand kiwi jokes and even better new zealand kiwi puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do New Zealanders have so many furry conventions? Because they're kiwis.
Zealand joke, Why do New Zealanders have so many furry conventions?

Giggle-Inducing Zealand Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about zealand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new zealand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make zealand pranks.

What's the worst part about being a p**... in New Zealand?

Competing with the sheep.

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

These are my reigning champion two-liners.

What do you call a kingdom with a lock?
Gate Britan.
What do you call an opinionated island?
View Zealand.

So, I just heard about the 7.5 earthquake in New Zealand...

Seems a lot of people are shaken up about it.

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.

What did the New Zealander with one leg shorter than the other say?

"Not even bro".

[nsfw] i was driving along a country road in new Zealand and saw a farmer f***ing a sheep

I called out to him "mate, shouldn't you be shearing it?"
He said "shearing it? I ain't shearing it with nobody"

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the s**... on the poor sheep.
Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

Why do the New Zealanders prefer drinking in the living room?

Because it's home, brew.

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of egg presence all around Australia and new Zealand. The real cause of what happened today was Australian government allowing to import and to produce eggs in their country in the first place. While today the senator is the victim it doesn't make him the blameless. If you banned eggs in the first place it would have been avoided.

A New Zealand man wants to have lots of kids.

"Would you have a baby with me?" he asks his wife.
"Of course!"
"Would you have two with me?" he asks.
After a pause, she says "Yeah that sounds like a good number."
"How about four? Would you have four with me?"
She thinks harder this time. "I suppose four wouldn't be so bad."
Encouraged, he asks "Would you have six with me?"
"Well how the h**... else are we going to get all these kids?"

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says looks like you've blown a seal the Eskimo replies

So what you f**k sheep

Zealand joke, An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look unde

jokes about zealand