The Best 46 Zealand Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Zealand jokes. There are some zealand export jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these zealand new zealanders puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Zealand Jokes and Puns

What's the worst part about being a prostitute in New Zealand?

Competing with the sheep.

A new Zealand joke

Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?

They saw what happened to the sheep

Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Zealand joke, Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep...

Meat and wool.

(Exchange for Welshmen if need be)

Oscar Pistorius was keen to get a new bathroom door....

but his girlfriend was dead against it.

Source: Scorch-O-Rama cafe, Wellington, New Zealand

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?

A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? (NSFW)

They paint a red X on the back of the sheep that kick.

Zealand joke, How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? (NSFW)

In the mid 1800s a primitive condom was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

Newsflash, New Zealand!

You're not that new!

There are three kinds of people in New Zealand..

The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..

The New Zealand Military

You can explore zealand ewe reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean zealand sheep dad jokes. There are also zealand puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

These are my reigning champion two-liners.

What do you call a kingdom with a lock?

Gate Britan.


What do you call an opinionated island?

View Zealand.

A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail.

He took a sip and said "Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"

What would New Zealand be called if it had a fascist government?

Not Zealand.

Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?

Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?


Zealand joke, How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?

The Climate of New Zealand

γ€€γ€€Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
γ€€γ€€Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
γ€€γ€€Teacher: Wrong.
γ€€γ€€Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided...

...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous.

You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

So, I just heard about the 7.5 earthquake in New Zealand...

Seems a lot of people are shaken up about it.

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical?

It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia.

My mom's in New Zealand, and just texted to tell she's 12 hours ahead

Anyone wanna know what happens in the future?

Do you know why New Zealand has banned blind people from bungee jumping?

It kept scaring the life out of the seeing eye dogs.

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."

Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."

The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."

Trump promptly hangs up.

I was fired for flying my plane from New Zealand to Hawaii.

They said I really crossed the line.

What did the New Zealander with one leg shorter than the other say?

"Not even bro".

[nsfw] i was driving along a country road in new Zealand and saw a farmer f***ing a sheep

I called out to him "mate, shouldn't you be shearing it?"

He said "shearing it? I ain't shearing it with nobody"

Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for North Korean aggression...

He'd have invaded New Zealand by now...

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say?

Hey Bro

(Read in your best Kiwi accent)

Why did the New Zealand dairy Make the Greek dairy go out of business.

Their cows were feta.

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?

Rather enjoyable

Why do the New Zealanders prefer drinking in the living room?

Because it's home, brew.

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

What do you call a bachelor from New Zealand? Two Thirds

Because of the recurring SIX

Why Lord of The Rings was shot in New Zealand?

Because there are no Two Towers in U.S.A.

Did you hear that New Zealand is about to be officially renamed to Middle Earth?

The opposition is being way too precious about the situation.

Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?

They saw what they did to the sheep.

What did the New Zealander say to the Jew?


How does a New Zealander greet Jews?


Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing?

Because it combines the two things they are best at,
sitting down,
and going backward....

Where do New Zealanders bury lobsided people?


A New Zealand man wants to have lots of kids.

"Would you have a baby with me?" he asks his wife.

"Of course!"

"Would you have two with me?" he asks.

After a pause, she says "Yeah that sounds like a good number."

"How about four? Would you have four with me?"

She thinks harder this time. "I suppose four wouldn't be so bad."

Encouraged, he asks "Would you have six with me?"

"Well how the hell else are we going to get all these kids?"

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with ewe..

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the zealand bahrain jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working zealand zealander piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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