youth Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious youth puns

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...


I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.


A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.


I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth... basement door doesn't lock properly


Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.


I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation...

I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.


The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


A priest, a rabbi and a minister are on an airplane with an interfaith youth group

The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes.

"We'll take them and jump," says the minister.
"But the children," cries the rabbi, "we have to save the children!"

The minister snaps, "fuck the children!"

The priest glances back at the terrified kids, thinks a moment, and asks,

"Do we have time?"


My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers

He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.


The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."


A woman sees an ad for labioplasty in the paper...

... So she she decides to get the operation, so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth.

After the operation, she wakes up with three roses on her chest.

Curious, she asks the nurse, "who are the roses from?"

"Well," says the nurse, "The first rose is from your husband. He wanted to thank you for undergoing the operation, and he said he's looking forward to enjoying the results."

"and the second rose?" asks the woman.

"That's from the surgeon," replied the nurse, "He noticed that you had taken some extra time to... prepare the area, and wanted to say thank you."

"Well that was very nice of him!" said the woman, "And who is the third rose from?"

"Oh, " said the nurse, "that's from Eddie in the burn ward. He wanted to say thanks for his new ears."


A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage

He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.

The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with apologetic tone that she is also his sister.

The young man storms out crying and finds his mother outside. She asks him what's up and he tells her the story. She tells him with her motherly soft voice: "Son, go marry any girl you want, that man is not your father".


For some reason the Pope didn't...

sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???


There was once a young man who... his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.


A church father looks at a kid...

.. He sees the kid playing with a bunch of kittens. He goes over and asks him what he was doing.. Promptly the kid replies, "I'm playing with Christian kittens.." feeling proud of how the kid is turning out struts away.
A week later he sees the same kid and wants to share the happiness with his congregation about how good this youth is turning out to be. He calls on kid during prayer and asks him to describe what he was doing with them kittens in front of the congregation.., the kid says "I am playing with atheist kittens.." with a smug smile. The father asks why did he say atheist kittens instead of Christian kittens like he did last week..
The kid says, "the kittens have opened their eyes.."


I'm making a documentary...

I'm making a controversial documentary that reveals decades of covered-up sexual misconduct in youth tennis programs across the country. It's called *15 - Love*.


A youthful child enters a follicle removal facility...

...and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!


A lot of people get all hot and bothered about euthanasia

But what about youth in America???


One baaaaaaad mistake

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you fuck one goat.......


Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.


What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.


Fishing not allowed.

Ok, so I remember one from my youth times, hope itΒ΄s not too overused. here it goes:

A man is fishing in a forbidden zone, with a clear sign showing, when a police truck pulls over to confront the man. Seeing the officer coming in his direction, he hides his fishing rod, and silently watches the water:

man: Good morning, officer, is it something wrong?
officer: Good morning, do you know you cant fish here?
man: I am not fishing, sir, why would you think that?
officer: Really? so, why the bucket with fish here?
man: Oh, that! ThatΒ΄s my fish, my pets, I take them here to a swim and later I whistle and they come back, jump back to the bucket and we go home!
officer: You don't say... care to exemplify?
man: Well, sure!

The man proceeds to empty the bucket with the fish into the water, and waits.

(awkward silence)

officer: So... ?
man: So, what...?
man: What fish?


Good old grandpa!

Grandpa: gatherer around little ones! I am going to tell you a story of my youth!

Kids: yaayy grandpa!! tell us, tell us!!

Grandpa: When I was young I used to be an explorer and a hunter!

Kids: Wooowww really grandpa?

Grandpa: yes yes.. this one time I was in the Amazon jungle hunting a lion!!

Kids: Incredible grandpa tell us more!!

Grandpa: well, I was trying to find a trail when out of nowhere the lion jumped at me and growled GRRRRAAAAARRRRRR!! .. I shit my pants!!

Kids: Well, I bet you were really scared grandpa!!

Grandpa: no no.. I shit my pants just now when I went GRAAARRR!!


A Man Talks to god

Man : You gave me youth, you took it

Man : You gave me nice black hair, you took it

Man : You gave me wife

God : Well..?

Man : Oh, just reminding you.


According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.


Who performs the most assisted suicides.

Youth in Asia.


A man finds a genie in a bottle

He is granted 1 wish. Being that he is old and has erectile dysfunction he wishes that he might one again achieve the firm erection of his youth. The genie grants his wish on the condition that when he finally decides to get the erection, he has to proclaim 1-2-3! out loud. And then when its time to go back to flaccidville, the words 1-2-3-4 must be said at which point his boner would subside.

Excited by his potential he hooks up with a lovely woman that evening. Back in his room they are getting down to business and he is ready to unleash the beast. "ONE TWO THREE!" he proclaims, and the angels in heaven are in awe of his majestical throbber. The womain, taken aback by all the hubbub immediately says "what did you say one, two, three, for?"


Today's youth are getting worse.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.


Youth - most likely [nsfw]

An old man is sitting on a bench in central park when a teenager with a rainbow hair-dyed mohawk spiked up like a punk rocker and a nose ring sits down next to him. The man begins to stare at him for a long time in shock. Then the teenager says, "What you looking at old man?"

The man replies, "Nothing, nothing." Again the man begins to stare at him for a long time and the teen says, "What's your problem, old man, you never did anything crazy when you were a kid?" The old man replies, "Yeah, the thing is when I was a teen I got real, real drunk and fucked a parrot, and I am trying to figure out if you are my son."


At the hunting lodge

During a social meeting at a traditional hunting lodge, one of the newcomers was talking to one of the oldest there. The guy was so old he couldn't even walk or talk properly. And he was telling stories about his youth and about a hunting trip to Africa, long ago. "So my child, I was a bit tired and no animals spotted that day that I decided to take a nap. Laid my body between a tree and a bush. All of a sudden I woke up with a noise and movement behind the bush. Over it jumped a ferocious lion, that looked at me and roared out loud 'RRRROOOOOEEEAAAAAARRHHHHHHHHHH', and I.. I... Oh my god, I shit my pants" The young fella was very sympathetic towards the old man's story that replied: "Well, I would have shitted my pants as well, seeing a huge lion in front of me and so..." And the old man, in great humility said: "No.. No, I shit my pants right now, while screaming 'RROOEEARH'.



A dog applies for a job as an accountant...

So a dog goes in for an interview at an accountant's. Unfortunately the manager HATES dogs for some obscure reason from his youth.

Anyways, the manager tells the dog that it's got to pass three tests, else it can't be hired.

"First, you've got to be good with computers."

The dog immediately gets up onto the computer and displays his amazing prowess at both MYOB and Xero.

The manger, getting angry now, says "Well, secondly you've also got to be able to sort paper work!"

Swiftly the dog bounds along to the filing cabinet and sorts out the disorganized hell that is the firm's paperwork.

The manager, starting to get quite flustered at this point, splurts out "Well, you've also um... You've also got to be bilingual!"

The dog replies, "Meow".

- Credit to a friend from my Scouting days.


Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth

The Boys in the Hood are always hard.


I don't know why everyone dislikes catholics...

They are putting so much into the youth.


A retired priest and a retired rabbi are friends in a reitrement home...

One day, the priest says to his rabbi friend, "Tell me, honestly, have you ever tried bacon?" The rabbi shrugs and says "Yes, in my youth, I gave into temptation and I had bacon, but tell me my friend, have you ever had sex?" The priest shrugs and says "I too, in my youth, gave into temptation." The rabbi leans over and smiles "Admit it, it's better than bacon."


What are the most funny Youth jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Youth? Well, here are the best Youth dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Youth pick up lines to share with friends.

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