Your Wife Jokes
134 your wife jokes and hilarious your wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about your wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Your Wife Short Jokes
Short your wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The your wife humour may include short wive jokes also.
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June - A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
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Your Wife One Liners
Which your wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with your wife? I can suggest the ones about your mrs and beautiful wife.
- My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee. - What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
- TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- What do you call a hippies' wife? Mississippi
- The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
- My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
- My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
- My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
- My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
Delightful Fun Your Wife Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about your wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean future wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make your wife pranks.
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a b**...?
The b**.... You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a b**....
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"
"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry
My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"
I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."
The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
My mate asked me why I have s**... noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during s**....
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?
If she fits in your wife's clothes.
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?
I said "No man, that would just make us even."
«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven
The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.
A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
How do you make your wife scream during s**...?
Call her and tell her about it.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
The next time your wife gets angry...
put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"
Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.
Do you look at your wife's face when you are having s**...?
I did once and she looked really angry.
Why angry?
Because she was watching from the window!
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.
The Devil made him an offer. I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife's soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends. The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, But what's the catch?
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
A guy is asked by his friend: What would you do if your wife cheats on you?
He answers I'd throw his dog through the window and break the stick
Friend: what stick? What dog?
To what the guy replies: If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!
The doctor handed me a baby...
The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!"
A son walks up to his dad
A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."
s**... BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."
The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.
Me: *\*handing baby back to him\** bring me the one my wife made.
Dentist: This will hurt.
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
Two r**... are having a beer together...
One r**... asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other r**... responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."
A friend of mine said, Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.
I said, Well, they were separated at birth.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night
"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."
Your dog loves you more than your wife does.
Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.
What's the difference between a h**..., your girlfriend, and your wife?
When you're having s**... a h**... says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".
OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"
What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still s**....
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.
Man: I know, but she has a great personality.
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.
John: "I have s**... with my wife once a month"
Jack: "We do it twice a week"
John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"
Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"
Judgement day
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said I'm sorry— your wife didn't make it.
I said, Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?
Cops turned up at my place last night
"I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."
I said "Yes but she has a great personality."
A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said 'it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck'
I said 'I know'
What is the worst your wife can say during s**...?
"Honey, I'm home"
I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn't prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.
It just changes the color of the baby. :(
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The s**... is the same but the dishes pile up.
A guy walks into a bar...
...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.
"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"
"He's upstairs with my wife."
"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.
Or at least that's what my mailman said.
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"...
Me: "...How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".
Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".
Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
Subway is a lot like prostitution.
You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.
The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...
"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.
"Yes", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
"I know, but she's good with the kids."
Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".
Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?
A golden opportunity
Your dog is better than your wife.
Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having s**....
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
The Lawyer
Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for decades to come. All I ask in return is the souls of your wife and your three children."
The lawyer sits with his head in his hands, thinking for several minutes. Finally he says, "Okay, what's the catch?"
Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.
Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.
How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.
If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a t**... with,....
Do not give two names!
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
'What's up?' says the driver.
'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.
'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'
A joke from ancient Rome
Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity."
The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!"
And so the first said, "Thank you for the offer, my good friend, but what was seen cannot be unseen."
A police officer knocked on my door last night.
He held up a picture and said to me, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes, that's her", I replied to him.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this" the officer said, "but it looks like she's been in a car c**...".
"I know" I replied, but she has a lovely personality".
Drunk guy at a bar
So there's a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to v**.... Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me! Says the drunkard. Let me help you with that , says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. But you said 10 dollar , replies his wife. Yes but the idiot also s**... in my pants!
