The Best 35 Your Ma Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Your Ma jokes. There are some your ma jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these your ma puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Your Ma Jokes and Puns

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."


A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.

Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.

Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to go…I didn't realize you were a cop!

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

You can explore your ma reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean your ma dad jokes. There are also your ma puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.

.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."

"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

"May I see your License Ma'am?"


"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

A man is staying in a hotel.

He walks up to the front desk and says, Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I'm in, can you help me?

The receptionist replies, No problem, sir. This is the lobby.

A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .

When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.

Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.

Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?

Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.

Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.

Cowboy: Well now you have.

Woman: Well?

Cowboy: Well what?

Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?

Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?

Woman: I'm a lesbian.

Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.

Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.

Cowboy: . . . .

The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.

Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

harharhar.


An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.

He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:

"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."

To which the man replies:

"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

An old woman walks into a sex shop

An old woman walks into a sex shop, shaking. "Sir", she asks in a shaky voice,"do you sell vibrators?" "Yes,ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes,ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes,ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired

"Yes ma'am I am"

Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"

The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

A woman says to her doctor "Kiss me!"

He answers "No, I can't."

She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"

Again he says "No, ma'am, that would be unprofessional."

Now she's practically begging "Kiss me! Kiss me!"

He finally yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!

Your mom walks into a sex shop and the clerk directs her to where they keep the vibrators. She points to one she likes and tells him: "I'll take that red one." The clerk responds:

"Ma'am, the vibrators are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."

Use 'discount' in a sentence.

Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.

Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"

A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...

And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask? , said the wealthy homeowner.

3 reasons: Because I'm a better cook than you are , said the maid.

Who told you that?

Your husband. And I'm also better at cleaning.

Who told you that?

Also your husband.

And the third reason why you think I should give you a raise?

Because I'm a LOT better in bed than you.

Hmmm... did my husband tell you that, too?

No, ma'am... the gardener.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the your ma jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working your ma piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes