Your Ma Jokes
108 your ma jokes and hilarious your ma puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about your ma that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Your Ma Short Jokes
Short your ma jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The your ma humour may include short you mam jokes also.
- A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship. A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
- A woman walks into a butcher shop "How much for the pig's head?"
"Ma'am, that's a mirror" - A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I'm in, can you help me?
The receptionist replies, No problem, sir. This is the lobby. - The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?" Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did" - I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday.... It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
- "When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?" "Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
- Use 'discount' in a sentence. Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"
- Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn? Or is it just me?
- There is really no easy way to say it, ma'am, but your son has just fallen into the Eyjafjallajökull.
- Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window. Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.
Share These Your Ma Jokes With Friends
Your Ma One Liners
Which your ma one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with your ma? I can suggest the ones about your papa and your nana.
- "Look Ma, no hands!" Saudi Mother: "I did warn you about stealing!"
- "Look Ma, no hands!" "Well, didn't I warn you about playing with the chainsaw?"
- How does Yo-Yo Ma answer the phone? Cello?
- Today I learned that Dr. Seuss' mom was a pioneer in physiotherapy. Ma Seuss.
- What did the child say after World War II ended? "Look, ma! No Hans!"
- What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike? Look ma, no hands!
- What did the man with bad acid reflux say? Oh ma GERD
- So I gouda cheesy pun. But I'ma Swiss it out for somethin' chedder.
- What do you call a hen that can count her own eggs? A Math-Ma-Chicken
- A young muslim thief returns home, he says "Look, ma! No hands!"
- Is your last name Ghandi? Because you're Mah Hot Ma
- I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot. It caused immense pain to ma toes.
- My maid was a victim of ID theft... Now she's my ma.
- Jason Momoa ran down my lawnmower. He was chasin' ma mowa
- Sir Isaac Newton dies Everybody: ma
Gather Around for Fun Your Ma Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about your ma you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean your nan jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make your ma pranks.
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,
This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage
I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
"Whoever smelt it, dealt it..."
"...so technically officer, this is YOUR m**..."
Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...
St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.
-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.
Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.
-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!
-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?
Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That's because I've laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.
Joke's on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.
I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, We're looking for someone who's responsible.
Well, I'm your man!! I replied, In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
One spelling mistake can destroy your marriage, a husband sent a text to his wife reading
I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you was her.
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...
how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
Your mama is so fat…..
On one edge of her passport photo, it says continued on next page.
A little help with your math
A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."
Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.
Blame her and her mother.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?
Bill.
A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention
He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.
A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"
Your mama is so ugly
Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.
It was called a jumpoline...
...until your mama got on it
Johnny Joke
Tell me, Johnny said his teacher, if your father borrowed $100 and promises to pay $10 a week, how much will he owe in 7 weeks?
One hundred dollars, said Johnny.
I'm afraid you don't know your math very well, said the teacher.
I may not know my math, said Johnny, but I know my father.
A lion goes into a restaurant
He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."
My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."
When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
I started a new gay club called "The Post Office"
You can get your male there.
A man goes in for a job application...
...and the interviewer asks, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality-telling what's real from what's not."
"Okay," said the interviewer, "and what about your strengths?"
"I'm Batman"
Your mama is so ugly...
The whole world faked a virus just to make her wear a mask.
I read that having s**... every day for a year could transform your marriage.
It worked so well I'm thinking of suggesting it to my wife.
A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...
A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!
Coming to work drunk, it's like a computer games
Your main task is get pass the boss.
If your man says he will do the job, he will d**... do it
There is no point in reminding him every 6 months
Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.
What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?
Matt.
What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?
Skip.
What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?
Bill.
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...
...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?
She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?
No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Your mama's so fat...
She's got dollars in one pocket and yen in the other.
The Sun Mission
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
Your mama is so ugly
She fell into a gorilla exhibit and got shot.
Blind Girl
If a blind girl tells you your manhood is massive…
…she's probably pulling your leg.
How do you know if an Asian person has robbed your house?
When you come home, your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.
A "your mama joke for the books.
Your mama is so s**... she puts lipstick on her forehead... Just to make up her mind.
Ladies. If your man is giving you both the moon and stars
You should be willing to sacrifice uranus
Your mama's so fat...
Her shirts have more X's than Taylor Swift.
Your mama is so fat...
The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?
Cos-medics
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don't do it on porpoise
My Indian engineering teacher told us this today
Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
Mi son then went on to say !!! I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
My 11-year-old made me laugh with these !!!
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A woman gets up in the morning.
She enters the bathroom, brushes her teeth, gets dressed and finally steps onto the weighing scale.
She looks down to see the results, and suddenly starts screaming happily.
"HONEY, I've lost 6kg since yesterday!", she yells.
The husband looks up from his newspaper and answers:
"Don't be so surprised, you haven't put on your make up yet!"
A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section
'Your Macbooks aren't breaking are they?' mused the slightly concerned customer.
The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.
'Don't worry, it's just a Dell.'
your mama so poor
she can't even pay attention
A dog may well be a man's best friend…
…but a cat will never tell the police where your m**... is.
The queen of England f**... and quickly looked for someone else to blame.
"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"
Please put on your mask. It saves lives.
Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.
Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's
Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"
My 5yr old sis is smarter than me
Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce
Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!
What's the difference between the Secret Service and the Postal Service?
One protects your secrets and one goes through your mail, and you'll *never* guess which is which.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny had to use the bathroom, so he raised his hand in class to get the teacher's attention. The teacher pointed at Johnny.
He replied, "Can I use the bathroom."
The teacher replied, "where are your manners? May I use the bathroom?"
Johnny said " Alright ladies first, but make it quick".
What do you do?
So, you are walking around in a forest and see a girl lying on the floor, half n**... and clothes tattered. She is weeping heavily, and you can tell she has just been r**....
What do you do?
You check your map, because you have been walking in a circle.
MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"
KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."
THE NEXT DAY
MOM: "No more TV until you finish your guitar practice!"
KID: "Aww, Mom!"
Your mama is so ugly that when she met Bill Cosby
he made her espresso.
Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!
The rest is your mama
Your mama so fat
When she hauls a**, she has to make two trips.
There are three brothers. One is named Shut-up, the next is named c**..., and the last is named Manners
Shut-up was driving home when he was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer asks for his name and he says "Shut-up."
The officer gets mad and said "Sir I need your name!"
"Shut-up."
Officer "That is very rude! Tell me your name right now!"
"I said Shut-up!"
Officer "That's it, I've had enough with you! Where are your manners!?"
"At the gas station picking up c**...!"
Your mama's so fat...
...they call her m**... impossible.
Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.
"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."
The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."
"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake. "I fear you do now."
Your mama so fat
I accidentally ran a marathon while trying to pass her on the street
Two magnetic fields are talking to each other
Magnetic field 1: "Aren't you mad that all the coils above you are parallel to your magnetic field?"
Magnetic Field 2: "Nope...I give zero flux!"
I was thinking that 6 years for your masters was a long time...
But black people used to work 60 years for theirs.
Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...
...estimate your IQ.
The old man and the elevator.
An old man from the country takes his family to town for the first time. They're at the mall and the mall has an elevator. Him and his son are watching this thing in amazement as they never saw one before and was not sure what it was. An older lady at least 80 with Gray hair in rollers and a walking cane walks into the elevator. A few minutes later a beautiful 25 year old blonde with huge t**... walks out. The old man says to his son "Quick go get your mama".
What is a Sailors motto?
Never leave your mates behind...
An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road
Suddenly, he sees a f**... procession driving slowly down the road.
So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.
2 hours later, the f**... director comes up to the man , this time by himself.
"That was very respectful, what you did. I want to thank you for your manners."
"Well," says the man, "it's the least I can do for my wife."
Your mama is so fat
When she went to the court house and the judge said 'order, order', she said 'a burger and chips please!'
At a recent job interview
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not. And your strengths? I'm Batman.
Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."
Nostradamus calls his son and asks him:
Why are you going to get a D in your math test, tomorrow?
I was a bit paranoid about my s**... prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -
"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".
"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.
"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.
How can you tell if a letter in your mailbox is a boy or a girl?
If it's a bill, it's fee mail.
Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter
Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy
Your Majesty, the peasants are revolting!
I know, I wish they would wash..!
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I have 5 cookies, and I give you 2, how many cookies do I have left?"
Little Johnny replies, "Zero, you're giving me more than just 3 cookies. I'm taking all 5 baby!"
The teacher just facepalms herself. "I can strongly suggest that you work on your math skills Johnny." the teacher suggests.
"Oh I know math, one man plus one girl, subtract a c**..., equals a baby!" Little Johnny says.
