Your Honor Jokes
119 your honor jokes and hilarious your honor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about your honor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Your Honor Short Jokes
Short your honor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The your honor humour may include short your honour jokes also.
- The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
- A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man." - "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
- My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice." - The show "COPS" is no longer filmed honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work. It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
- Your honor, I have one last thing to say: If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.
- A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud. Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."
Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."
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Your Honor One Liners
Which your honor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with your honor? I can suggest the ones about honorable and judge.
- In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table? Sir Cumference
- " Your honor, if you are what you eat then My client is an innocent man".
- What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69? Your Honor.
- What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi? The Honor Roll.
- But your Honor, if you are what you eat Then i really am an innocent child
- What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
- How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
- Last week I fought for a woman's honor Apparently she wanted to keep it.
- What's better than honor? In her.
- White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee And surrender.
- In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
- A church sign says "Come Honor Faith"... Mike Tyson starts giggling.
- What does NASA stand for Need Another Seven Astronauts
- Why do pirates have trouble learning the alphabet? Because they spend years at Sea!
- Le Pen honored an age old French tradition. Losing.
Your Honor Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about your honor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean court jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make your honor pranks.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.
At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
"6," the old lady responded.
"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."
"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"
What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has s**... with under age teens?
In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".
Judge going through the file of an accused
Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!
Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
A man in rural Arkansas is brought before a judge for his prelimnary hearing.
"What is the charge, counsel?" The judge asks.
"Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives."
"You idiot," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."
A man is arrested for killing a condor
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
An elderly woman appears in court for stealing
A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."
"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"
A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
She was brought before the judge who asked, How many peach slices were in the can?
Six, she replied.
Ok, I'll give you six days.
Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.
My friend told me I cant joke about r**....
So, your honor, I had to follow through with it.
A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days
He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then s**... off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I went over the wall". "Case dismissed" declares the judge
The b**... says "I didn't build that, Your Honor."
The judge points at the picture of the pile of logs in the river and says "we have damming evidence against you"
I'll see myself out
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"
A guy moves into a new neighborhood...
And a r**... knocks on the door. The guy opens and the r**... says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!"
The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The r**... replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"
How much English can you speak
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
Funny husband in court
A divorce court judge said to the husband, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week.
That's very fair, your honor, he replied. And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.
She said yea. So I rubbed my finger across her top lip and that's how the fight started, your honor
Chad wants to divorce his wife.
He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.
He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.
The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.
Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake
They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in
Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too.
Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles
A man is on trial for m**....
The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.
The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on the apple peel and falls right on top of my knife."
The judge inquires: " And all this happened 16 times?"
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.
"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"
- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before
A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their s**... lives
The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."
Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lead you to besmirch these good people's reputations?"
The man shrugged and responded, "Islander."
(this just came to me)
- Your Honor, I beg you. I have a wife and three children. I cannot go back to this nightmare.
\- I'm sorry, Mr. Smith. You served your time and you are now a free man.
My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out s**... life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.
And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.
A Man was on trial for cannibalism
Judge:How do you plead
Man:your honor if the phrase you are what you eat applies then I am an innocent man
The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"
"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
A man shot his wife
Judge: Sir, why did you shoot your wife?
Man: Well your honor, it was easier than shooting a different man every night.
During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".
The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."
I found my wife in bed with a judge. The judge said, " It's not what it looks like!"
To which I replied, "your honor!"
A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...
The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"
"Yes," the woman says.
"And what did you steal?"
"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.
"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.
"Six," the woman replies.
"Alright. Then I think it is just your sentence be six days in jail," the judge declares.
"...Uh, Your Honor?" the woman's husband says.
"Yes?"
"I think she stole a can of peas as well."
Trick or treat..
Smell my feet, give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear.
And that's why I was arrested, Your Honor.
Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...
Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?
Machiavelli once said, "It is better to be feared than loved"
And that, your honor, is why I killed our dog in front of my children.
Doctor tells his patient he only has 6 months to live...
Upset, the patient shoots the doctor.
At his trial, the judge sentences him to 30 years to life in jail and asks him if he feels any remorse.
He replies, "no, your honor. The doctor gave me 6 months to live, and you gave me 30 years."
Innocence
Lawyer: Your Honor, my client was trapped in a penny, she could've never stolen anything.
Judge: What do you mean?
Lawyer: She's in a cent.
The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?"
Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*
Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*
Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY! It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***
Birthday
The Judge asks the defendant, When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?
-
February 20th, Your Honor.
-
And what year?
-
Every year, Your Honor"
A slug was assaulted by a snail...
...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.
At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."
The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."
A woman stole some food from a store...
...and she was caught shoplifting. When she went to court, the judge asked her, "What exactly did you steal?" The woman admitted that she took a can of pears. "How many pears were in the can?" asked the judge. "There were six pears, Your Honor." she replied. "To be fair, then, you must go to jail for six days."
The woman's husband, who hated her, piped up and said, "Your Honor! She stole a can of peas too!"
Chuck Norris went to court once.
The judge turned to him and opened with, Your Honor, may I speak freely?
A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.
Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.
But your honor, I didn't mean to hurt anyone when I was playing with fire.
I was just arson around!
no further questions, your honor
Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?
Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.
Why did the black man walk backwards?
I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.
The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"
The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."
The judge has a puzzled look on his face.
Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."
Judge:You are sentenced to death.
Judge: You'll be hung.
Wife from down the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG!
Me: Your Honor please uncuff me so I can high five my wife.
What do you call the law student who graduates last in their class?
"Your Honor"
Lawyer's Joke for Lawyers
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
Ans: Your Honor.
Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?
A man on trial for murdering his wife of 20 years.
Judge: "Why did you kill your wife after 20 years of marriage?"
Defendant:"Laziness, your honor."
Judge:"What do you mean"
Defendant:"Well, I kept procrastinating it"
What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
A serial r**... was caught and put on trial
and the prosecutor asked the r**... "What inspired you to do what you did?"
He replied, "Your honor, I couldn't have r**... those women because I am gay!"
A look of relief spread across the judge's face and he leaned back contently in his chair... "Finally, some biblical justification to punish you!"
Posted a BYU/Utah joke yesterday. Here's another
Did you hear about University of Utah's honor code?
Yes, your honor. No, your honor. Thank you, your honor.
me: "I plead insanity, your honor."
judge: "its just a parking ticket"
All My Life I Wanted to be the Person so Committed to Something I Would Die for it
And that is why I'm not appealing my execution, Your Honor.
Mrs Rosenfeld is suing Mr Ramsay for calling her a pig
Mr Ramsay asks the judge: "is it i**... for me to call Mrs Rosenfeld a pig?"
The judge replies: "yes, of course it's i**...."
Mr Ramsay asks again: "ok, but am I allowed to call a pig 'Mrs Rosenfeld' your honor?"
The judge says: "well yeah, there is no law against that."
Mr then goes to Mrs Rosenfeld and says: "Hi Mrs Rosenfeld!".
But, your honor...
she told me she s**... it!
Lawyer: my client is trapped in a penny
Judge: what..?
Lawyer: he's in a cent your honor
Your Honor, here's a penny with Abraham Lincoln's face on it.
This shows I'm in-no-cent.
A judge walks into a bar
The bartender says, "What do ya want, your honor?"
Judge replies, "Just ice."
The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1
Lawyer Mom: Your Honor, my client is accused of m**... in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?
Everyone looks around at each other, confused.
Judge: Um, no?
Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) Well then how can any of you tell my client that m**... is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?
In the Supreme Court of Composition...
"Your honor, this man has - with malice aforethought - clearly, wantonly, and remorselessly copied my newest song's Time Signature.
You might call this a clear-cut-case of Four-Forgery."
Me and the judge in the Traffic Court.
Me: your honor, i'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
Judge: i see, repeat infractions?
Me: Ok i'm here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
What is the proper way to address a lawyer that graduated last in his class?
"Your Honor..."
Conjoined twins go before a judge.
One twin says, "Your honor, my husband is cheating on me."
Judge asks, "With whom?"
"My other half."
The judge asked the defendant..
Mrs. Nancy, are you being truthful?
"Yes your honor, I am being a Frank Sinatra."