Your Girlfriend Jokes
100 your girlfriend jokes and hilarious your girlfriend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about your girlfriend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Your Girlfriend Short Jokes
Short your girlfriend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The your girlfriend humour may include short young girlfriend jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.
- Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean? - My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
- Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
Share These Your Girlfriend Jokes With Friends
Your Girlfriend One Liners
Which your girlfriend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with your girlfriend? I can suggest the ones about girlfriend boyfriend and old girlfriend.
- My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but also imaginary.
- My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
- I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy It's not like I did anything
- My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Or did she?
- My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyónce
- My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
- My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
- My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
- My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
- My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh more.
- At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant then I changed her mind
- My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump... I said ok.. Biden
- What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
Hilarious Your Girlfriend Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about your girlfriend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ex girlfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make your girlfriend pranks.
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's h**... Positive?
Try to act surprised
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?
If she fits in your wife's clothes.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Cop pulls over bad driver
Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)
Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.
Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"
Dad: " You know you can do better."
Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."
Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"
"In your daughter" is the wrong answer
If your girlfriend starts smoking..
Use some lubricant.
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game
Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?
The knife has a point.
What's the difference between a h**..., your girlfriend, and your wife?
When you're having s**... a h**... says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."
Marriage joke
My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?
A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.
"How old is your girlfriend?" "She's52"
"Haha, dude, she could be your mom!"
"Yeah, actually it's yours"
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.
I once told my dad
that I had an imaginary girlfriend.
My dad sighed and said, You know, you could do better.
Thanks, Dad, I said.
My dad shook his head and said, I was talking to your girlfriend.
I went to a restaurant.
Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me.
What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend?
"It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."
Just told my friend his gf is a cheater
I sent him a text saying the y in your girlfriend is silent
Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.
Cute names to call your girlfriend with
1.sugar
2.honey
3.flour
4.egg
5.1/2 lb butter
6.stir
7.pour into pan
8.preheat to 375°
Why are relationships complex?
Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man I'm sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend's been hit by a truck.
The man replied, Yeah, but she has a great personality
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...
What's the difference between your boss and your girlfriend?
Your girlfriend appreciates when you come late.
How can you tell if you have a high s**... count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...
Do it with a parachute.
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?
Because she tried on your wife's pants and they fit.
They told him: your girlfriend is cheating on you..
He wiped away his tears & asked : Which one ?
Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.
Every time they would have s**..., she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had s**... with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she fits in your wife's jeans.
I told my dad that I have an imaginary girlfriend.
Dad: "You could do much better."
Me: "Thanks dad"
Dad: "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA
you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says
Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?
Because she's an upgrade to that h**... you had earlier.
A man walks into work one morning...
A man walks into work one morning with a n**... black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."
"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"
"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."
On a scale of 1 to 10
How old is your girlfriend?
Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.
Dad: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.
A Gynecologist walks into an exam room
Gynecologist walks into an exam room. The woman on the exam table shows the doctor two strange green dots, one on each inner thigh. Puzzled at first, the doctor examines them more closely. He then asks the woman "Would you happen to be a lesbian?" The woman answers "Why, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with these dots!" The doctor replied.. "Tell your girlfriend to get some REAL gold earrings!"
Dogs vs Girlfriends
If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.
How can you tell when you play RPGs way too much?
When your girlfriend's/wife's pants become a rare drop!
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings
You know she's a keeper.
A son tells his father...
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend.
The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad!
Father: I was talking to your girlfriend.
My son came home and said he had an imaginary girlfriend. I said, you can do better than that!
He said, thanks Dad, that really means a lot.
I said I was talking to your girlfriend!
What do your girlfriend and KFC have in common?
Once you're done with the thighs and the breast, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone.
When to leave your girlfriend?
When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
I got chatting with a girl in a bar....
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"
What do locking your keys in the car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common?
Both are easily fixed with a coat hanger.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant...
...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she fits into your wife's clothing.
The long distance relationship
A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times," the guy says. "And the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend, too."
When is it okay to kick a midget?
When he compliments how nice your girlfriends hair smells.
What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?
A gf gif gift grift
Guy tip:
If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.
what's the difference between your girlfriend and your job
in 5 years your job will still s**...
The most annoying thing about being a necrophiliac...
Is that your girlfriend never returns your calls.
When your girlfriend tells you to go deeper...
... but you already ran out of poems to recite.
When do you kick a midget in the b**...?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??
Slow down and grab some l**...!!
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
After all, if you can't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she won't tell your wife?
How did you get your girlfriend to have s**... with you while she was on her period?
Let's just say I pulled some strings.
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking.
Use more l**....
What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?
Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember.
What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?
Sorbet
Rick and John
Two friends Rick and John meet after a long time in a bar.
Rick: "Last few weeks it is not too bad - I had s**... around twice a week with my girlfriend."
John: "Same here - at least twice a week"
Rick: "Very good. Listen, I was not aware you had a girlfriend, you never told me ?"
John: "Ohh, I thought we are talking about your girlfriend"
Note to self...
When your girlfriend says you can stick it anywhere you want , that doesn't include her sister.
Difference between e**... and perverted
You can be e**... by gently s**... your girlfriend with a feather. But its perverted if you take the whole goose to do it.
How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?
She starts fitting into your wife's clothes
What happens when you play a modern country song, backwards?
Your truck fixes itself, your dog comes back to life, your girlfriend comes back to you, and your beer refills itself.
what does Geico and your girlfriend have in common?
Shes so easy a cave man could do her.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking...
Stop and apply lubrication
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down or use lubricant
Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While J was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
Jack said, "My wife found out."
How to make friends with girls...
Ask them to be your girlfriend.
Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?
Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?
How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?
www.AshleyMadison.com
