Your Fella Jokes
123 your fella jokes and hilarious your fella puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about your fella that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Your Fella Short Jokes
Short your fella jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The your fella humour may include short fella jokes also.
- "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
- I ran over 2 Miles yesterday Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.
- So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport.... He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"
The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed." - What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat? A shh-kebab.
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I love you too, fellas. - The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That's a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch. So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.
Be proud fellas - Three penguins walk into a bar Three penguins walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Fellas! Who's getting married?!
- Heard a Beach Boys song that sang, We could be married…And then we'd be happy… And I was like Whoa, fellas - you can't have it both ways.
- Fellas, if your girl has some form of Polyethylene terephthalate in the shape of an equiangular quadrilateral with the hex code of ff0000 get out fast, that's a red flag.
- A cop, a cowboy, and a construction worker walk into a bar.... The bartender says "Hey fellas, the YMCA is down the street."
- My wife gave me a mouse and a keyboard for my birthday. I learned to play "KLONKY DONKEY" on the keyboard and trained that little fella to dance.
Share These Your Fella Jokes With Friends
Your Fella One Liners
Which your fella one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with your fella? I can suggest the ones about your daddy and girlfriend boyfriend.
- Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian it was the least i could do for the poor fella
- What do you call a fella who keeps on making puns until you feel suffocated? Pun-gent.
- I was talking to a guy about favourite numbers... He said his was 7. What an odd fella
- What do you call those guys who cut down trees? Fellas
- Santa only comes once a year. Poor fella.
- My friend died of gluten yesterday The poor fella choked on the bread
- Word of advice fellas...
- My friend called me dyslexic... I told him that he's a smart fella.
- I once had a brain eating amoeba the poor fella died of starvation
- What did the frog say to the h**...? "Stribbit".
Don't worry fellas, I know my way out. - Flame Broiler? More like Lame Broiler! Amirite fellas?
Your Fella Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about your fella you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean my missus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make your fella pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.
So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea.
Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?
How did it turn out?"
"She loved it.
She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"
Get to know your mate.
If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front.
And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up.
Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, "I've been wanting to know, what's your name?"
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two dyslectic fellas sat in the kitchen.
..
Fella 1: "Ere, can you smell gas?"
Fella 2: "Who me? No... I can't even smell my own name!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "
Hey, you wanna hear a r**... story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a r**.... And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a r**..., too. Now, do you still want to tell your r**... story?"
The fella says, "Naw, you're right... I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
Pickle Slicer
So a guy comes home from work, kinda bummed out, and his wife asked "What's wrong dear?" The fella says "Every day when I leave work I have the urge to stick my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer." His wife replies "Well, if it bothers you that much then do it, but I don't want to hear about you getting hurt."
So the next day the guy comes home with a black eye and his wife asks what happened. "Remember what I said about putting my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer?" And the wife says "Uh, yeah - how did that work out?"
"Well, I should have asked her first!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)
...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that s**... when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."
Blind man walks into a bar..
He sits down, pint for him, shandy for the dog. The bar man asks him "So fella, what ya been up to recently?"
"Skydiving" said the blind man.
"Skydiving?!" said the barman astonished "How long have you been doing that now?"
"A few months now, did my first solo jump there last weekend."
"That's amazing." said the barman still astonished, "Tell me this though, how do you know you're getting near the ground?"
"Oh that's easy." says the blind man. "I wait for the dog's lead to go slack."
A boy was walking in the park when...
A boy was walking in the park when he found a little bird. The bird was was on the floor, alone and crying. The little boy bent down and asked the bird "What's wrong there, little fella?" The bird, still crying replied "I h-have no friends, and i-im all alone." The boy sat for a minute to think about this. Finally he told the bird "Well, God's your friend!" The little bird looked up hopefully at the boy and asked, "Who's God?" Smiling, the boy took the bird in his hands and began to tell it what a nice person God was and how he loved everyone and everything, even lonely birds. The bird got so excited he started to chirp "I want to meet him! I want to meet him!" The boy took the bird in close and said, "You really want to meet him?" The bird cried "Yes! Yes! Right now!" The boy whispered "Ok..." and smashed his hands together as hard as he could.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Good Polish Joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
birthday
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
3 young lads trying to get into heaven.
One Christmas eve three young fellas were out on the crawl drinking and partying. All at once a bus came and killed them outright. They came to St Peter at the pearly gates and he told them there was no entry unless they had a Christmassy item to give him. The first fella rumaged in his pockets and pulled out his keys, he shook them and said, 'These are Christmas bells.' The second man pulled out his lighter, held the flame in the air and said, 'It is the star in the east.' St Peter turned to the third man and raised his eyebrows, 'what about you' the man pulled out a pair of ladies knickers. Peter was shocked and exclaimed, 'what are those', the man replied, 'They're Carol's'
Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom...
...they were discussing where they were going to sleep. The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected." The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."
The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept. The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested. The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head. The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night. I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining! Then it got dark and started thundering, if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"
(Kind of juvenile, I know, my grandmother told me this when I was about 8. Funniest thing I'd ever heard and never forgot it. Just wanted to share.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant t**... merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him b**... into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
Geriatric problems
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
A man and wife are in bed one night
when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.
"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.
"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.
"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"
"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.
Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.
"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were two fellas working for the town council one day, walking through the park.
One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill it in. They worked furiously all day without rest, o**... digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we're a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today."
A day at the construction site
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Appalachian couple get married
Jethro and Ellie Mae get married, and after the wedding party they happily drive off in his 68 Ford truck for their honeymoon. But about an hour later, Jethro storms back into his parents house, angrily slamming the door.
The father asks what's going on, and Jethro says, "The weddins off!" The father says, "Well, now sit down there young fella. I don't understand it. Uns had a nice big weddin, all the clans showed up, you youngins seem perfect for each other, what could go wrong?" Jethro says, "I know pa, but she's a v**...!" And the father says,"Well then you dun the right thing: if she's not good enuf fer her own family, she ain't god enuf fer ours."
An Italian fella
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin match......."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a southern sheriff is investigating a m**......
...and is writing where they died. the sheriff writes "the first fella died in the d-i-t-c-h." then he goes to the second body and writes "this fella died in the d-i-t-c-h." then he goes to the third body and writes "this fella died in the ~~b-o-w-l~~ ~~b-o-l-e-v-a-r~~ ~~b-u-o-l-o-v~~" and then he moved the body into the ditch.
Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..
First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"
Second fella says "A kilt of course!"
First fella "What's the tartin?"
"She's wearing white" says his pal
This is the real no arms no legs on the beach joke, not that lame one. - So there was this guy with no arms and no legs...
... and his friends are all like, "we have to make a good thing for him since he's depressed and stuff."
So they decide to take him to the beach. They dug a small hole, positioned the handicapped friend on the sand, with a little table and a drink with a straw.
Over time the tide comes up, and all his friends are playing football far away. They forgot about no arms no legs man. Completely forgot about him.
As the tide almost reaches his belly, a drunk man approaches. The handicapped guy is screaming on the top of his lungs by now.. help!
The drunk guy says "nothin to worry little fella, I'll help"
So he grabs our unlucky protagonist and drags him to the ocean. The drunk man is eager to wish him good fortune: "Go little turtle, go in peace... "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
NCAA poetry contest was last night.
It got down to two finalists. A rich law student from Duke and r**... from Texas A&M. For the final round the contestants got five minutes to come up with a four line poem that uses the word "Timbuktu." After about a minute and a half the rich fella from Duke stands up and says:
Out upon the dusty sand
Traveled the roaming caravan
Camel and man traveling two by two
Destination Timbuktu
The crowd went wild. Everyone was wondering if the r**... would be able to top that. About 30 seconds before his time ran out the r**... hit the clock, eased up out of his seat, and said:
Tim and me a-hunting went
came upon three w**... in a pop up tent
They were three and we but two
So I buck one and Tim buck two
...The r**... won.
There was a white doctor in African village
After a while the local realised that some women had white babies. It didn't bother them much but they was curious about it for months. So after a while they decided to ask him and the leader went to the doctor with some fellas. They asked the doctor;
"Doctor, we don't have any trouble with it but we got to ask that you know some of our women gave born to white babies."
Doc answered "Yeah?"
"So we were curious about if you were related to it?"
Then doctor said "You know not always black people gave born to black babies. For example, there are white horses in the farm but they sometimes gave born to black baby horses.
Then the leader get shocked and shouted "Okay, you forget all about the horses, we forget women!"
Sorry for bad grammar
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the one where Sailors abroad will randomly view the ocean as full of d**...?
Did you hear about the one where Sailors abroad will view the ocean as full of d**...?
Well I'm here to tell you...
...It is a Fallacy, That the Fella's see, A Phallus Sea.
A midget walks into a bar
A midget walks into a bar. The stools are a bit high for him, so he looks up at a pretty blonde bartender and asks her, "can you help me get onto the stool?"
Always wanting the please the customer, she comes around the bar, picks the little fella up and puts him on the stool.
He sits and drinks for awhile, puts down some money, and starts to leave. Seeing this, the bartender runs around, grabs him, and puts him down on the floor.
He looks up at here and says, "Sweetie, I only needed your help getting up, not off."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
Why wasn't the fella able to get out when he fell in the river?
Cause it was on a Sunday and the banks were closed?
Three Old Men
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm 75 years old. Every morning at 7:00, I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm 80 years old. Every morning at 8:00, I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas, I'm 90 years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 sharp I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.
The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*.
When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a n**... red slap mark on his face.
The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."
The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."
A fella visited his doctor and says
" hi doc, I'm totally depressed and suicidal because I can do crosswords very easily and quickly"
Doctor says " hey come on now, don't get two down"!
2 Texans are bragging about how big their ranches are
The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread."
The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"
Happy Friday - Blonde Joke :)
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Jared's biggest mistake
Do you know what Jared's biggest mistake was?
Losing enough weight to where could actually catch the little fellas
My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....
We're going to church.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was sitting in a pub discussing classical music and the bartender said
we've had about just enough of your s**... Bartok fella
An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...
Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.
"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."
The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.
"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."
"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"
"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde joke in a bar..
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A dog walks into a saloon...
Says: "I'm looking for the fella that shot my paw"
(LOL, I'm a dad, I'm allowed.)
A blind man walks into a bar
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Two Kerry men driving through Cork
One fella says "That's where Michael Collins died"
The other fella "Tis a bad bend aright"
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My Grandad's joke: Hey, young fella! Want to see something swell?
Hit your thumb with a hammer!
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A pregnant woman calls her husband...
A 9 months pregnant woman wakes up in the middle of the night. She can't find her husband, so she calls him on the phone.
The husband picks up.
"Honey, where are you ?" asks the woman, worriedly.
Husband answers (obviously drunk) : "Heeeyyyy babe !! I'm at the cluub with some fellas ! OOOHHH my man Jim just got oursevles a 3rd bottle of v**... !"
The wife is sweating, she takes a deep breath and says "honey, I'm in pain, I think our baby is coming."
Sobering up, the husband replies "But darling, I don't think the bouncer is gonna let him in."
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3 guys walk into a bar...
Guy 1: Oh boy, I'm not drinking with you fellas. Last time I drank with you I got in trouble with the wife. Her parents were home for the night and when I got home I blew chunks in the living room in front of them.
Guy 2: That's nothing! When I got home my wife's mother was over and instead of sleeping with me wife I slept with her mother!
Guy 3: Well when I last drunk with you fellas I got home, My wife was with her friend who was getting married and I spewed all over the dress.
Guy 1: Fellas you don't understand... Chunks is my dog.
Did you hear about the half Black, half Japanese fella?
Every December 7th he'd have an urge to bomb Pearl Bailey.
A cow, a pig and a chicken walk into a bar
The bartender says "fellas, this isn't a protein bar."
A man walks into a bar in Iraq
Traveling through the middle east a man walks into a bar. As soon as he sits down, he realizes the entire bar is filled with ISIS soldiers. he nervously orders a drink trying not to draw attention, The head ISIS leader comes over with a knife in his hand.
"You're not from around here are you"? ask the ISIS leader.
"n, no... I'm from America" the man says.
"are you an American soldier?"
"actually... I'm a taxidermist." Says the man.
"What in the world is a taxidermist?" the leader asks him.
"Well... you know.. I mount animals" the man replies.
A big smile comes over the ISIS leaders face..
"He's ok fellas... he's one of us!"
The condensed version...
A Phillipino, a Korean, a Chinese fella, a Burmese lady, and a Vietnamese guy all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
Three pieces of string walk into a bar.
First one goes up and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says 'sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of strings here'. The string sits down and his mate says 'I'll give it a try'. Again, the bartender explains that they don't serve pieces of string in the bar. The third piece of string says 'don't worry fellas, I'll get this'. He ties himself in a bow to neaten himself up, messes up his hair and walks up to the bar. He asks for three drinks. The barman looks at him and asks 'are you a piece of string?' 'No, I'm a frayed not.'
This entire net neutrality is getting out hand fellas, let's relax and see how Congress can handle this.
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Three old guys are sitting around talking.
One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.
First guy says "you ever zipped your f**... into your jeans? That's pain.."
Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the t**... and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg and the toilet seat??"
Third guy says "That's nothing, you ever been out in the woods hunting, went to go squat behind a tree to do some business, and accidentally dropped your nuts on to a bear trap?"
First two fellas cringe, interrupt, and start agreeing that's probably the most painful thing they've heard.
Third guy, "that's not pain... Pain is when you run out of chain."
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A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.
The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.
"What happened?" asks the husband
"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."
"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a p**...? " asks the husband.
"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."
"You confronted him?"
"No, I gave her $50."
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A blind tourist asks for directions...
A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.
He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"
The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "
The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and walks away...
As he left, looking back, the fella now just realizes what he did wrong so he run back to the tourist and said "My apologizes mister, for being so s**..."
The blind man smiles. The fella hands him a map.
Coin collecting seems more popular in the bigger cities, whenever i visit one i always have people asking me
"Sir, sir do you have any change?" Whatcha looking for fella a 1937 wheat penny??
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I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall...
I thought, that's a little condescending.
Two hunters are walking through a wooded farmland...
when they come across a giant hole they can't seem to find the bottom of. They wanna know how deep it is, so they see a rusted anvil close by, drag it over, and throw it down the hole. Seconds pass, and they never hear it hit the bottom.
A few seconds later, a goat comes sprinting by, and jumps right into the hole. The farmer comes walking by and asks the hunters "fellas, have you guys seen my goat around here?"
The hunters reply "well he just came running at us 80 mph and jumped down into that hole there!"
The farmer says "well that can't be! He was chained to an anvil!"
A fella walks into a pet shop...
A fella walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
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A guy notices a crowd of women at the end of the bar
Curious, he walks toward the end and sees an immensely ugly guy being hit on by several ladies. He sits next to another fella and asks "So, what's this guy's deal? Is he rich or famous?" "Dunno," says the other guy, "he just sits there l**... his eyebrows."
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Fellas if you're gonna r**... someone
Wear protection, having a child unprepared could ruin your life
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You know, if you're struggling to get women, fellas, you should come to me.
That way I don't have to cry alone.
Did you hear about the blind fella going from house to house trying to sell his dog?
He was Labrador-to-door salesman
Three men at a bar
Man one turns to the other two and says:
Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a Doctor
Man two and three reply:
How do you know?
Man one says:
because I found a Doctor's-medicine bag under the bed
Man two says:
Well Fellas I think my wife's cheating on me with a construction worker
Man one and three reply:
How do you know?
Man two replies:
Because I found construction tools under our bed
Man three says:
Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse
Man one and two say:
A horse?
Man three says, yeah because I found a cowboy under our bed
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An old man in his 90's
is watching tv and a s**...
commercial comes on. After the ad the old fella realizes he has a s**.... He gets up and shuffles into the kitchen to show his wife. "MARTHA!!! MARTHA!!! Look at this. What should i do with it?" His wife looks up at him and replies," You might as well clean it now that you got the wrinkles out of it".
What's the difference between a handsome man and Ross from friends searching for a melon?
One's a good looking fella and the other's a food looking Geller
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An Irishman Came Home from the Pub on St. p**...'s Day...
and walked into his house and laid a 30 lb. turkey on the table. His wife looks wide-eyed and asked, "Liam, where'd ya get the tarkey?"
"Well Mary, all the fella's at the pub had a little contest for St. p**...'s Day. The fella with the biggest member won the tarkey."
Mary turned ghostly white and stammered, "Lord Jaysus, Liam, ya didn't pull that thing out in front of the whole pub, did ya?"
"Just enough to win, Mary, just enough to win..."
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A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!
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Old folks home
Three old fellas are seated on the front porch of their old folks home. The first one says " I like this place but the only problem I have is I can't pee first thing in the morning. " The second guy says I like our place too It's really really nice but I can't p**... first thing in the morning. " The third guy says about 6:00 every morning I pee like a racehorse. And then about 8:00 in the morning I c**... so good it would amaze you. Only problem I have is I don't wake up till 9:00.
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A Kiwi fella Steve and an Aussie bloke Wayne headed out fishing one Saturday and started downing a couple of beers on the boat.
After a while, Aussie Wayne steve says to Kiwi Steve, "mate, If I snuck over to your house and had some wild raunchy s**... with your wife while you were out, and she got knocked up and had a child, would that mean that we were related?" Kiwi Steve paused for a while and then says, "Well mate, I'm sure if that would make us related but it sure would certainly make us even!"