Your Dog Jokes
136 your dog jokes and hilarious your dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about your dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Your Dog Short Jokes
Short your dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The your dog humour may include short kids dog jokes also.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- I entered my chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
- As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate. - • My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
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Your Dog One Liners
Which your dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with your dog? I can suggest the ones about dog sitting and dog owner.
- I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
- In America, dogs are k-9s But in China, dogs are e-10
- Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
- I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
- My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
- What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
- Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
- A lost dog strays into the jungle..
- Did you know all dogs are made up of only 3 elements? Calcium, nickel, neon
- I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
- My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
- Being a dog walker is so easy It's a literal walk in the park.
- Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Where you left it.
- How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!
- What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!
I am not sorry.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Your Dog Jokes
What funny jokes about your dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean my so called dog jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make your dog pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
Your dog loves you more than your wife does.
Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.
"What are your dogs names ?"
"Calvin and Klein"
"Like the underwear?"
"They are boxers."
So a cop knocked on my door this morning.
He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'
The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."
"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"
"Because my arms are getting tired."
Why is a cop like a box of chocolates?
They'll kill your dog.
Dear Charlie, We've been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.
When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.
And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.
I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.
Cordially, Harry
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He's standing right behind you.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
A crazy ex is like a box of chocolates
If you're not careful, they'll kill your dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.
My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:
"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."
If animal organs were compatible with humans...
Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film
He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"
The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a dog better than your wife ?
Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit
Guess who'll be happy to see you
Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be?
Because it's sad when a dog dies.
So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.
So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.
Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?
Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.
Teacher: And how does this even related?
Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....
If you think your husband or wife is your best friend than think about this.
If you lock them and your dog in your trunk for 3 hours. Who do you think is going to be happy to see you when you open the trunk.
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
A girl goes to a movie theatre…
…with her dog.
The movie didn't have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said That's absolutely amazing. I can't believe your dog is crying
She responded: I can't believe either …. because he didn't like the book
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..
..they'll kill your dog.
Exes are like chocolate.
They'll kill your dog.
Cops come to house to report my dogs.
The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."
I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
Dogs vs Girlfriends
If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
My dad loves telling this joke to women
Robert is walking down the street and sees two hearses followed by hundreds of men walking. At the front of the line, one man is walking his dog.
Robert walks up to the man and asks,
>"What happened?!"
The man- "My wife and mother in law died."
Robert - "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. How did they die?"
The man - "My dog bit them."
Robert - "Your dog bit them and they died?!"
The Man - "Yup"
Robert - "...Can I borrow your dog?"
The man simply smiles and says, "Get in line."
For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...
My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.
Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive?
Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead
2 hearses.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.
Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!
It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"
I love riddles. Before reading the answer, I sat down with my wife and we spent a while pondering the possible answers.
Eventually, curiosity overcame us. We turned over the note to see the answer.
It read:
"Your dog.
I'm really sorry.
I ran it over."
I hate riddles.
Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian?
He has a sign on his door: Either way, you get your dog back.
A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.
Dog Bar Mitzvah
A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.
Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here
Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!
Man: Please, I'll do anything
Rabbi: No, it can't be done
Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue
Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!
How do you know if your dog is calling you?
Check his collar ID.
The man's best friend
You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!
A Londoner is walking his dog...
...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
What's the difference between a wife and a dog?
After five years, your dog is still happy to see you when you come home from work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best part about owning a pet.
You can blame your dog for f**...,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
What's your dogs name?
An elderly couple were outside one day enjoying the fine weather. The wife was sitting on the porch. The old man was in the yard playing with their dog. A little girl walked by and was delighted to see the dog and said, hello mister, I like your dog, what's its name.? The old man paused for second and said, uh what's the name of that pretty flower, it's red. The little girl says , you mean a rose? The old man says yeah that's it! And he looks towards the porch and yells, HEY ROSE, WHAT DID WE NAME THE DOG?
Cops are like chocolates
Both will kill your dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From the AnnCoulter AMA...
Dogs are better than people and I can prove it: Put your ex and your dog in the trunk of your car and drive around like crazy for an hour. Open the trunk. Who's happy to see you?
A joke
The human body has 206 bones and you still think your dog loves you for no reason?
A friend of mine is a veterinarian. He is also a taxidermist...
A friend of mine is a veterinarian.
He is also a taxidermist.
He has a sign on the side of his car that reads, Either way, you get your dog back.
Why is a dog mans best friend?
Lock your dog and wife in a trunk for an hour and see who's happier to see you when you let them out.
So I was at a book store the other day and I saw a Vietnamese cookbook...
It was called "How to Wok Your Dog".
"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Dogs are truly woman's best friend
If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.
The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"
Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."
The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."
What's the best thing about going to a veterinarian that doubles as a taxidermist?
Either way, you get your dog back
My momma always said "Life is like a box of chocolates..."
"...it'll kill your dog."
You should always feed your dog well,
You don't want a bad yelp review.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Things not to ask to your dog:
What's your role in this t**...?
A dog is a man's best friend
A dog is a man's best friend. Don't belive me?
Put your wife in the trunk, put your dog in the trunk, wait a couple of hours. After open the trunk and looks who's happy to see you
A friend sent me a message the other day, "Your dog is such a lovely angle."
Acute dog, indeed.
Where should you go if your dog is missing?
The lost and hound.
Father wakes up his son and asks him a question.
What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?!
No Jimmy, it's your dog...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nothing says, "I don't take you seriously"...
...like your dog wagging it's tail while you scold it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cops are like a box of chocolates
they kill your dog
Iowa, the only state where you can...
watch your dog run away for 3 days.
What do crazy girlfriends and chocolate have in common?
They both kill your dog
Step 1: Name your dog miles.
Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day
First post: unconditional love test
Lock your wife/husband in the trunk of your car for an hour, then your dog. Guess who's still happy to see you...
When you hear "I do not love you but we can be friends" it's like...
your mother says "Your dog died but you can keep it".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do know you are ugly?
Your dog keeps it's eyes closed whilst h**... your leg
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was sitting on a bench in the park when a woman walking her dog was passing him
The man asked, Taking your b**... out for a walk?
The woman replied, How dare you refer to dogs that way!?
The man replied, I was talking to your dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Want to know if your wife loves you as much as your dog?
Lock them both in a trunk of a car and see who's happy to see you
when you open it to let them out
A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg
There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.
My friend told me her dogs breed was Havanese
And i told her, of course your dog has knee's, how else would it be able to walk?
How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?
Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
