Young Girlfriend Jokes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you t**... clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The n**... girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm n**... and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her p**..., the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has s**... with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has s**... with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.

He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you t**... clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The n**... girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm n**... and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her p**..., the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

A young couple is going to have dinner...

A young couple is going to have dinner at the girl's parents' house, and after that, they plan to have s**... for the first time. The boy goes to buy a c**... from the pharmacy before going to his girlfriend's house. Obviously, as a v**..., he has no idea what he's doing. The pharmacist there sees the boy and goes to give him help. Soon they have been talking for over an hour as to which condoms are best. The boy buys a c**... and thanks the pharmacist for all of his help.
The boy then goes off to his girlfriend's house for dinner. He says hi to the father and mother, but quickly suggests they say Grace. Even after the father as finished saying Grace, the young boy keeps his head down, first for a minute, then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and then a half-hour has gone by. The girl leans over to the boy and whispers "You never told me you were so religious" and the boy responds "You never told me your dad was a pharmacist"

Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!

Dinner with the parents

A young man began to go steady with a girl who he had been dating for several months. She decided it was time for him to meet her parents and invited him over for dinner that night. Deciding that he may get a chance to get lucky that night, he stopped at the pharmacy to pick up condoms before he went to his girlfriend's house. He got there, sat down for dinner, and everyone bowed their heads in prayer. One minute passed and everyone except the young man began to eat, as the young man kept his head bowed. Five minutes passed, and he still kept his head down. After ten minutes, the girl whispered to the guy, "I didn't know you were so religious." The young man whispered back, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.
The young driver pulls over rushes to check on the animal. When the young guy finds the poor dead thing on the side of the road he finally breaks down, and starts to bawl.
A female driver sees this scene, and pulls over to help this hysterical man. She approaches and asks if she can help, but the only thing the man can do is just cry. The woman stops, thinks, and then goes back to her car.
She comes back with a can, and sprays the dead rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It hops away about ten feet then turns and waves. The rabbit keeps on doing this. Hopping about ten feet, then it would turn, and wave.
The male driver can't believe it. He looks over and reads the can. HAIRSPRAY: Revitalize dead hair and add wave!

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!!

Oscar

• Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius
• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
• When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
• Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
• Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
• I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
• What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
• Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
• A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
• I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
• Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.
• And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.

it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on
And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

W E N D Y

A couple just got married and before their honeymoon to Jamaica the young man decided to get his new gals name tattooed on his junk, forever marking it as belonging to her. Normally only the W and Y are visible, but when he gets excited it spells out W E N D Y.
While in Jamaica they decided to visit a n**... beach, and while at the beach the young guy couldn't help but spot a local with what he thought was the same tattoo. He walks up to the local and asks, "Hey man, do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy? It seems we have matching tattoos!" The Jamaican replies, " Na mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day.'"

Bobby buys condoms

Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a bit too immature for me but I'm still gonna pop her cherry. Might as well wear it out before I kick her to the curb". The pharmacist shakes his head and sells the boy the condoms.
Later that night, Bobby knocks on his girlfriends door and the pretty teenage girl answers. With a big hug she says, "Come, I want you to meet my family". "This is my mother and father", the young girl said. "Hello ma'am, hello sir, I was going to take your daughter to a movie and come straight back but only if I have your permission and blessing." With a big smile the girl says "Bobby, you never told me you were such a polite gentleman". Bobby sternly looked at her and said "yeah... and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist".

A young man, about 15, visits his local pharmacy ...

...and heads straight to the family planning section. He takes a look around the c**... section and appears a little unsure of himself.
The pharmacist, an older gentleman, comes over and asks, "Excuse me son, what seems to be the trouble?"
The young man says, "Well, you see…I have a date tonight with my girlfriend. Actually, I'm going to meet her family for the first time. And then..well, I was thinking of…losing my…well, having our first.."
The young man mumbles a bit, but the pharmacist smiles and replies, "You want to make the night special, right?" He seemed like a good natured fellow, so the young man allows him to help him pick a pack of condoms. He rang up the price and the young man left.
Still very nervous, the young man goes to his girlfriend's house. After hugging his girlfriend, she introduces him to her parents.
After exchanging some pleasantries, the family and the young man sit down for dinner. The young man says that he will give the prayer before they eat and they all bow their heads. After about five minutes, the young man and the family are still praying. After another few minutes of prayer the girlfriend leans over and whispers "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious."
The young man leans over and replies, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

3 Wishes

A young couple are walking along the beach when the come across a man sitting atop a giant hill of money, surrounded by beautiful women fawning over him. Upon closer inspection they see that the man has a horrific looking giant melon shaped head.
The young man and his girlfriend are intrigued and approach the man and ask "Hey what's going on here?"
The man looks down at them and says, "I was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie came out and granted me three wishes." The couple look at each other and back at the man and ask "What were the wishes?" The man says "Well, first I asked for more wealth than I could ever spend" and he motions to the pile of money he's sitting atop. "Then, I wished to be surrounded by beautiful women who love me" he points at all the beautiful women surrounding him.
The couple look amazed. "And for your third wish?" The man looks at them and says "A GIANT MELON SHAPED HEAD."

God Will Provide

A young, very religious man goes home with his girlfriend to meet her parents for the first time. Her father is naturally very skeptical of the young man, and after dinner has a quick heart-to-heart with him.
"Now I know you are interested in marrying my daughter. She is the apple of my eye and I cannot trust her with just any man. My first question to you young man is how do you intend on providing for my daughter?"
"God will provide" he replied.
Not satisfied with this response, the father asked again "No seriously, how do you intend on taking care of my daughter?"
Again he said, "God will provide."
Realizing he wasn't going to get a better answer, the two exited the room. Later that night the father was talking with his wife while cleaning the dishes.
Mom asks "So how did your talk with our daughter's boyfriend go?"
Father goes, "Well...he thinks I'm God."

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Young man and the Pharmacy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.
"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some s**... time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?
"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?
"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"
As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.
"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. s**... time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."
Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.
His girlfriend says.
"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"
The young man then answers:
"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."

Meeting the Irish Mother

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.
The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"
The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a p**...."
Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining consciousness, she asks again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly. What is your occupation?"
Again the girl says, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a p**...."
The mother laughs, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

A young couple had just finished having fantastic s**...

A young couple had just finished having fantastic s**.... Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, What happened to the five other condoms?
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, Errmm, I m**... with them.
The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, Have you ever done that?
He replied, Yeah, a few times.
She said, You mean you've actually m**... with a c**... before?
Oh! he said, I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend.

Two high school kids decide to have s**... for the first time.

He goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 2 dozen of his best condoms in preparation for the evening.
Before their big date, he goes to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet her family.
Before they eat, her father asks the boy to lead the prayer.
He leads a beautiful lengthy prayer about resisting temptation and maintaining purity.
As the young couple is walking out the door to go on their date , she says Johnny, I didn't realize you were so religious.
To which he replies, yeah, well I didn't realize your Dad was a pharmacist!

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub
The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub when the bully interjects, and attempts to start bullying the kid by pointing out in an annoyed voice: "That definitely looks shorter than six inches!"
The kid was undaunted, however, and propped his arms against the counter and in the sweetest voice, replied, "Dude, you need to stop listening to your girlfriend."