you Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious you puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

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For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

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"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

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Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

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Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

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TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once

Whoops, wrong sub

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If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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My boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

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How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

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What are the most funny You jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about You? Well, here are the best You dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and You pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes