You Got Burned Jokes

97 you got burned jokes and hilarious you got burned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about you got burned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest You Got Burned Short Jokes

Short you got burned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The you got burned humour may include short burned jokes also.

Why do hipsters always burn their mouths eating pizza? They got into it before it was cool.
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
My friend got sent to prison for pulling out 3 people from a burning building Unfortunately, it turned out they were firefighters
My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it... That's why I got her a candle
My coworker got third-degree burns on his tongue. I was going to make a joke about it, but decided it would be in poor taste.
In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal
Beer was lit An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar and shaken awake. The firemen frantically ask him, 'How did the fire start?!'
'Beats me.' He says, 'It was already burning when I got here.'
I have a friend who got severe burns on his hands, to the point that he is virtually senseless. I feel for him.
A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off. They called it neigh-balm.
I got burned by a piece of metal on my pants when I pulled them from the dryer. It was a hot button issue.

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You Got Burned One Liners

Which you got burned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with you got burned? I can suggest the ones about badly burned and fire burn.

I got a black girlfriend now. I burned my hand on the stove.
Your momma is so hairy When you was born you got carpet burn.
Why did the arsonist quit starting fires? He got burned out.
What's the name of the Disney princess that got burned? Cinder-ella
I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves
Yo mama so hairy when I hugged her I got a rug burn.
You can buy an Elon Musk flamethrower for $500 Who's got that much money to burn?
I Googled "how to burn a forest down" I got 45,877 matches
America got the burn that it wanted... and not the Bern that it needed.
With oil prices falling... Burning the midnight oil just got cheaper.
A bear goes and sees a car burns He got into that and burned away
When you throw a match at your fridge... You know you've got serious freezer burn.
Then there was the Indian guy who stayed in the sun too long... He got a Sikh burn.
A bear walked through a forest and saw a burning car. he got into it and burnt away
A bear rambles in a forest and sees a burning car He got in that and burned away

You Got Burned Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about you got burned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sunburn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make you got burned pranks.

Would you like some Aloe Vera?

Because you just got burned.

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes
"Now thats what I call.....elbow grease"
Whole kitchen stops dead in their tracks, including the guy who got hurt, and bursts out laughing. He's now our favourite.

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars." The blonde added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!" The blonde replied, "I know, that's why we'll go at night, I'm not that s**...!"

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Yo mama so hairy...

Yo mama so hairy that when she gave birth to you, you got carpet burn!

An old one my late grandmother used to tell

In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."

"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"

"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"My dad got burnt."
"Oh, that's terrible. I hope he wasn't burned too badly."
"Nah. They really know what they're doing at those crematoriums."

What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?

He got fired.

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his way to the top floor, after quickly rushing through a sea of flames and sprinting past an inferno that was fueled by the skeleton of what used to be a staircase. Upon finding a beautiful young lady upstairs, seemingly his own age, he exclaimed, "come quick! The roof won't last much longer! We've got to go!" She revealed that her ankle was hurt and she told him he had to carry her. He hoisted her up, carried her towards the front door and tells her, "you know, you're the first pregnant girl I've ever rescued." The young lady was surprised and somewhat offended at this, replying, "but I'm not pregnant?" And the fireman, with a wink, suavely replied, "well you're not rescued yet."

Air Force one goes down.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

A large plane crashed...

Air Force One crashes in a field..

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?

He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.
Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Roland,
Roland,
Roland on the River!

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)
The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the sofa on fire. They pull the man up, put out his burning clothes, and hose down the sofa. Crisis averted.
Afterward, one of the fireman asks him, "Sir, did you see how the fire got started?"
"No, I'm sorry," he replies. "It was like that when I lay down."

Could have been me...

Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Americans!"
and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been
me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

A young boy was obsessed with tractors..

He got a toy tractor and tractor pyjamas for his birthday, and he loved them with all his heart. 2 years later he got his first mini tractor, and rode it everyday until it became too small. Skip forward again, it was his 16th birthday, and his dad bought him his first real tractor. He takes it out to work around his dad's farm, which is what he always wanted to do. After a month he suddenly decided that farming wasn't for him and he was no longer interested in tractors. Skip ahead another 5 years, and the man is walking home from his office job when he spots a house burning down. He walks over to the house and positions himself in front of it. He suddenly takes a huge breath and s**... in all the smoke, the fire goes out, and the people are saved. A bystander asks him "How on earth did you do that?!" The man replied calmly, "Easy, I'm an ex-tractor fan"

Man....that could have been me!

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green. Suddenly, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me.

They had a wild-eyed look as they yelled "Allah HuAkbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" & waved their fists at me. Then they took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran right over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

When I grow up!

One day a child and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they came upon a burning building. The fire department had just showed up and all the people inside were saved by the strong firemen. The little kid looks to his mother and says "mom, when I grow up I'm gonna be a fireman!". The mother replies "you're not going to grow up!, you've got luekimia!"

Disrespectful parrot.

A little girl is playing around her sleeping dad, when she notices that her dad is n**... from the waist down under the blanket. Curious, she wakes up her dad and point to his junk and asks him what is it? Her dad embarrassed tries to explain keeping her innocence,
"sweetheart, this is a parrot, the one's in the bottom are its eggs and the foliage surrounding it is its nest". Saying that he sends her away and goes back to sleep.
A few hours later the girls mom comes home and is shocked to find EMT's taking her husband in an ambulance. While the little girl sits terrified and crying. The mom runs to her and asks what happened?
"Mommy, i got bored and decided to play with the parrot, but after a few minutes of playing the parrot spit on me and i got angry. So i cut the parrots neck, smashed its eggs with a wrench and burned its nest".

Embarrassing Trip to the Local Swimming Pool

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.
To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.
This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.
**"Depth 1.8metres"**
Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.
More stares came her way...the sign read:
**"Men's entrance"**
She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.
Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.
**"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back"**

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday...

...minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch e**..., and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, What are those for?
The old man replied, There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming… and the smell of burning rubber!

A man walks into a bar..

..and sits down. A little man about the size of a foot was sitting on his shoulders. The little man walks off and heads towards the bars piano and begins to play. The bartender asks where the patron got the little man. The patron replies, "There is an old wizard out back granting everyone wishes." The bartender rushes out to ask the old genie for a wish. The bartender comes back with a burned hand and says "Hey, i thought you said he could grant wishes? I asked for a red hot wife and he handed me a red hot knife!" The patron chuckles and said "I forgot to tell ya he can't here very well, that is why I now got a twelve inch pianist."

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**......

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

Would you like to eject from the drive?

CAUSE YOU JUST GOT BURNED!!!

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.
One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the s**... things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained
Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.
The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

I've got a burning question.

What's a UTI?

A w**... got burned down today...

Some came out running, and some ran out cummimg.

What did the Hulk say when he got trapped in a burning building?

Hulk ash!

The bass drop

In school, I once dropped the base.
The kid next to me got severe alkali burns. . .

There's been a plane c**...

The police show up at one of the victims doors;
Wife: Hello, do you have any news on my husband?
Police: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid we have some good news and some bad news concerning your husband.
Wife: Well tell me the good news first, I need something to raise my spirits.
Police: Well ma'am, the good news is, despite your husband being burned to a cinder, we were able to identify your husband by his dental records.
Wife: Sweet merciful! Well what on earth is the bad news?
Police: He's got a pretty n**... cavity in his upper molar.

Did you hear about the school that burned down in Beijing, China?

25 children died. It was truly tragic.
And the worst part is, they all got out of the building fine, but they just ran around it and then darted back inside.

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

So I ate Mexican food for dinner yesterday

...and this morning I got t**...-degree burns.

The CEO of a big company got abducted...

The abductors released a message through the PA system:
"Prepare ten million by noon or we burn him alive!"
The employees frantically decided to gather, and one proposed to pitch in together in order to help out.
Some pitched in five litres, some pitched in ten.

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

Did you hear about the Elvis museum that got caught in the path of the California fires?

Now it's just a Hunka Hunk of Burning Love.

A man went to a gas station

To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possession of a firearm.

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."
Worst son-burn ever.

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

They say a thief stole the secret of fire from the gods...

...Unfortunately, he couldn't fence it, as it was too hot. He really got burned on that deal.
Courtesy of Men At Arms by Terry Pratchett.

A teacher found a w**... farm in his school

He got rid of it by burning it

I got twelve upvotes the last time I made a 9/11 joke here.

I guess you could say it crashed and burned.

b**... your head against a wall for one hour burns 150 calories.

It also got me banned from the local gym.

My wife said to me that if i got another s**... gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i brought her a candle

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.
"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.
"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient and arrives on time every day without fail. 20 years, and never a minute late, quite incredible."
"Secret ingredient?"
"Oh yes, he adds mussels and oysters to the fuel. Reckons it gives a boost."
"So why is he late today? Think he got fed up and quit?"
"Oh no, not Bob. He just has low shellfish steam."
I make no apologies.

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.
One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the emergency room.
He came to as they got him to the emergency room, and that's when the nurse on staff told him "it appears you have suffered from first, second, and third degree burns."

A city lawyer goes to visit his farmer cousin in the country.

On arrival, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.
He asks his cousin, "What's the deal with that pig?"
The farmer replies, "Oh, he's special. When my daughter Susie was trapped in a burning barn, he ran in and saved her. And when my son Owen fell down a well, he came and got us and led us right to him."
"That's amazing!" said the lawyer. "But how did he end up with a wooden leg?"
"Well," said the farmer, "a pig that you don't eat all once!"

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Time to see a doctor

A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. "I've got to try to get in to see a doctor soon," he confides to the bartender. "It really hurts when I pee." "Does it burn?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "I never tried to set it on fire."

Man gets lost in the countryside

Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l

The Hitman gets fired!

A very dumb fella wanted to be a Hitman for the Mafia. But he got fired after he failed miserably on his first job!
He burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was suppose to blow up!

Newlyweds and their problems

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."
The second night, he comes home from work and she says "I'm sorry honey, I messed up dinner." He says "That's all right honey, let's just go to bed wink wink."
The third night he comes home and she's sitting on the radiator. He asks what she's doing? and she answers "Warming up supper."

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks he approaches the bartender, "Hey, maybe you can help me out. I've just got hit with horrible heart burn, gas and stomach cramps, but I can't leave to get anything because I'm supposed to meet my blind date here in 15 minutes and I don't want her to think I stood her up. Have you got anything?" "No, I feel fine," the bartender replies.