You Are So Dark Jokes

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK!

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place.

So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

I've been having really dark thoughts lately,

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Definitely not 9, my basement is still dark

Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.

Dark humour is like food.

Not everybody gets it.

A dark sense of humor is like a hospital.

Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

Joke of the day about blondes.

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.

But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.
I'm now afraid of light.

Two blondes fall down a well

One says to the other ones, "isn't it dark down here" she replies, I don't know I can't see

Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says:

"my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."

The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Dark

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 
 
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Why isn't "dark" spelled a "c", instead of a "k"

Because you can't see in the dark.
You've all been wonderful.

So I came home from work yesterday ....

.......To find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...I was delighted.

How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Five is apparently not enough because my basement is still dark.

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub."

BC now stands for "Before Coronavirus"

and AD is now "After Distancing"
>!Welcome to the new dark ages!<

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."
Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"
The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."
Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

Cops smashed my phone.

Cops smashed my phone. Well it's my fault for having it on the dark mode.

While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store

a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not a c?

Because everyone knows you can't c in the dark.

What does dark humor and health care have in common?

Not everyone gets it...

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."
The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."
The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.
Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."
The woman leaves. The man follows.
The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"
The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.
The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!
Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"

A pessimist, an optimist, and a realist look down a train tunnel

The pessimist sees a long dark tunnel
The optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees that the light is an oncoming train
The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the tracks.