You Are Older Than Jokes
85 you are older than jokes and hilarious you are older than puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about you are older than that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest You Are Older Than Short Jokes
Short you are older than jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The you are older than humour may include short you are old jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys. But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees
- As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase
- I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
- What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth. I said it must be because he has the better dentist.
- As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
- A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
- As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
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You Are Older Than One Liners
Which you are older than one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with you are older than? I can suggest the ones about older than and you are so old birthday.
- My parents named me after my older brother. And before my younger brother.
- I was named after my older brother. And before my younger brother.
- hot older men in your area Want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat?
- Few people knew about Albert Einstein's older brother Frank He was a total monster.
- Why is a field of grass always older than you? Because it's pasture age
- I was named after my older brother. I was also named before my younger brother.
- I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like? Depends...
- Why are archeologists great husbands? The older the wife the more they are into them
- Why were older computers heavier? Because they used a FAT file system!
- I like my women like I like my whiskey Irish, 18 years and older
- I already know what I want to be when I get older.. Younger
- Can older adults be circumcised? Or is there a cut off date ?
- Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
- Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV? His parents weren't 18 or older.
- My reddit account is now one year old! That's older than most anti-vax kids!
Entertaining You Re Older Than Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about you are older than you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean year older jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make you are older than pranks.
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
An older man walks into a bar...
...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
So my girlfriend is getting a bit older and her teeth are starting to fall out.
It's okay, though. They'll grow back.
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Two men are walking down the street
When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"
I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years.
I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
A man is sitting at the doctor's office
As he is doing this, he playfully rotates the wedding ring on his finger. An older gentleman across from him beckons and whispers "Son, there ain't no combination that's gonna unlock that thing".
Guy is looking for a new secretary...
Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?
A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...
When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"
A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...
The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!
2 older couple were having breakfast
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
Billy was sleeping in his room
Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked ''Who are you?''
The man responded with "I'm you from the future"
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"
The older Billy locked the door and said "A p**..."
What do you call a r**... v**...?
A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the s**... persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
My father used to do this to me...
- Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."
- Me: "But... I'm the oldest."
- Dad: "Now."
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a f**... approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a s**....
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?
Her belly button.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.
An older couple is getting married...
An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"
I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.
We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter t**...", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Gorilla
A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained that's your gorilla and it's getting hair. Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed my gorilla is getting hair! . The older sister looked at her and said that's nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.
Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your s**... jokes when you get older
Me "when I what"
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, Don't cry over skilled m**....
As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.
It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
My best friend passed away recently..
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.
Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.
He asks a student "Who is your father?
The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."
Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"
The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."
Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"
The student replies "An orphan."
As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way
Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...
The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!
The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."
The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."
He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.
Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"
The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
When he was a teenager, little Johnny's father caught him reading one of his older sister's magazines. Son, why are you reading that s**... magazine? he asked.
There's an article that tells women where to meet men, Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine's cover. I need to know where I'm supposed to be.
Two brothers
Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say d**... and you say a**...." The younger brother agrees.
Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some d**... Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.
She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your a**... it won't be Cheerios!"
I grew up in a religious household and I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle
As I got older I learned that God and praying didn't work this way. So I stole a bicycle and ask God to forgive me
b**... is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.
Now I just hide her glasses.
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
I just found out my older wife was cheating on me
Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah
Sport b**...
At age 25 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf
The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your b**... get
Noah and the snakes
According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.
The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.
Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.
You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.
Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.
One says, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimes in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. The third one responds, Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, That must be the door, I'll get it.
Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.
Dave: Oh yeah? What'd you see?
Sam: We'll it's kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get n**..... I mean that could only mean one thing..
Dave: Which is?
Sam: Exactly
A daughter and mother are talking.
"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"
"But I love him!", she interrupts.
"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"
"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"
"I think you misunderstood me."
My father made this joke and now that I'm older I appreciate it more:
Driving by cemeteries he'd ask how many dead people do you think are in there?
I'd guess: maybe a hundred or whatever
He'd say: *All* of them
Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…
The younger one says I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh
The older one replies and says I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said 'you ruined my life you drunken b**...'
Why shouldn't you pick on older children that still believe in Santa.
bc, I know grown ass men that still think Fords are reliable.
My son was frustrated because apparently he just doesn't understand girls. I assured him saying that that'll change one day.
Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women.
