yorker Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious yorker puns

Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

👍🏼

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.

A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?

The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?

The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?

The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?

👍🏼

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

👍🏼

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

👍🏼

A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are dining at a restaurant.....

The waiter comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I'm sorry to inform you there's a shortage of our special, the triple-meat burger, this evening. Please consider some of our delicious regular menu options".

The Californian says, "what the fuck is triple-meat?"

The Texan says, "what the fuck is shortage?"

The New Yorker says "what the fuck are excuse me, sorry, and please?"

👍🏼

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

"Go fuck yourself!"

👍🏼

As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs

Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.

👍🏼

Know why New Yorkers are so cynical?

For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

👍🏼

Caught by a local tribe.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
(my dad told me this one)

👍🏼

A southern belle and a snobby New Yorker meet on a plane...

The southern belle says, "So, where are you from?"
The New Yorker replies, "Where am I *from*? I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition."
The southern belle thinks about this for a moment. Then, she says, "So, where are you from, bitch?"

👍🏼

Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota?

Because that's where the mini apple is!

👍🏼

Bitch

A lady from South Carolina meets up with a woman from New York

South Carolina lady: Where y'all from?

New Yorker: Where I'm from, we don't end a sentence with a preposition

South Carolina lady: Oh okay, Where y'all from, bitch?

👍🏼

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.

The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.

That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.

👍🏼

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."

The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.

The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

👍🏼

What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.


He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.


He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"


The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"


The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"


The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"


The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"

👍🏼

A man sees a dog mauling a small girl...

...and runs over to help. After the girl gets away, a nearby journalist comes to the man and says "That was incredible! Tomorrow, the headlines will read 'Brave New Yorker Saves Girl'", to which the man replies "But I am not a New Yorker." The journalist then says "Then they will read 'Brave American Saves Girs'", and again the man replies "But I am not an American!" The journalist then asks, "Then where are you from?" The man smiles and says "I am an Afghan!"

The next day, the headlines read "Islamic Extremist Murders Innocent American Dog"

👍🏼

Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

👍🏼

A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."

"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"

👍🏼

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The Chief goes to the Frenchman and says, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" But, being a considerate tribe, the Chief offers the Frenchman a last request. The Frenchman asks for a large cognac. Naturally (since this is the way things work in jokes) he is granted a large tumbler of cognac, and is then killed.

The Chief says to the Englishman, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" and offers the Englishman a last request. The Englishman chooses a pint of ale, after which he is killed.

The Chief says to the New Yorker, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" and offers him a last request. The New Yorker asks for a fork.

"A fork?" asks the Chief.

"Yes, a fork."

So the New Yorker gets his fork. Immediately he starts stabbing himself over and over again while shouting, "Here's your fucking canoe!"

👍🏼

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"

The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."

👍🏼

Classic

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says "we're going to kill you, eat you and sow your skins to make a canoe. But you get to choose how to die."

The English man pulls out a revolver, yells "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself in the head.

The Frenchman grabs a bunch of cyanide, shouts "Viva la France!" drinks the poison, and dies.

It's now the New Yorkers turn. He pulls out a fork and, as he stabs himself all over his body, shouts "Fuck your damn canoe!"

👍🏼

Why are New Yorkers so skeptical about everything?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey

👍🏼

A New Yorker, a Californian, and a Texan meet on a beach while vacationing in Europe...

The New Yorker complains, "These European women are so uptight. Why, where I come from you can just walk up to a woman, buy her a drink, and you can stick your dick in her."

The guy from California adds, "That ain't nothing. Where I come from, you can just walk up to a woman and stick your dick in her!"

The Texan hitches his belt buckle a bit and adds, "Where I come from, you stick your dick in a woman, and then you walk up to her."

👍🏼

A woman agreed to out on a date with a guy under one condition.

She tells him to dress how he generally feels about life.

He shows up to her house and she answers the door. He had his thumb in a pear, was wearing a dress, and had his dick in a bowl of custard.

She asks him to explain.

(In a new Yorker Italian guy kind of voice)

"Well, I'm in dis dress, I'm in dis pear, and I'm fucking dis custard."

👍🏼

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

None of your fuckin' business! Get owta my fuckin' way!

👍🏼

A British man, a Scottish man, and a New Yorker are caught by cannibals

The cannibals say to the British man, we are going to make spoons out of your bones and a boat out of your skin! But before you die, what would you like? The British man asks for a cup of tea, and then the cannibals kill him.

The cannibals then say to the Scottish man, we are going to make spoons out of your bones and a boat out of your skin! But before you die, what would you like? The Scottish man asks for a shot of scotch, and then the cannibals kill him.

The cannibals finally say to the New Yorker, we are going to make spoons out of your bones and a boat out of your skin! But before you die, what would you like? The New Yorker asks for a fork, and the cannibals are curious... But go and get him the fork. They give it to him and he starts stabbing himself saying HERE'S YOUR FUCKING BOAT!!

👍🏼

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

👍🏼

If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan.

And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.

👍🏼

Four guys are walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker. A reporter comes up to them and asks: "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says: "what's a shortage?" The Russian says: "what's meat?" The North Korean says: "what's an opinion?" The New Yorker says: "What's excuse me?"

👍🏼

A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp...

A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp, so they rub it and a gene pops out. Upon seeing the men the gene says, "I will grant you three wishes, who would like to go first?" The New Yorker raises his hand, "Very well" says the gene, "What is your wish?" The New Yorker answers, "Put all the Texan back in Texas so they can't bother anyone anymore." "Ok it has been done, who is next?" the gene response. "Well I reckon I'll go next." says the Texan. "Since all the texans are back in Texas, take all the non-texans out and put a giant wall around Texas to keep them out!" "It has been done." says the gene, then he turns to the Coloradan and says, "Since you're the only one who hasn't wished the last one goes to you." The Coloradan pause for a moment, "So all the texans are back in Texas and all the non-texans are out and there's a wall around it?" The gene replied, "Yes, not what is your wish?" The Coloradan replies with the first thing that comes to his mind, "Fill it up with water!"

👍🏼

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London.

The waiter approached the table and said, "Excuse me, but if you order the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage". The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

👍🏼

New Yorkers confuse me...

Half of them keep saying "fuhgeddaboudit" but the rest of them keep saying "Never forget".

👍🏼

What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian?

A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.

👍🏼

What kind of tooth brush does a Mexican New Yorker use?

Orale-B

👍🏼

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Yo, why the fuck do you want to know, Asshole? Mind your own goddamn business, OK, fucko!

👍🏼

What are the most funny Yorker jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Yorker? Well, here are the best Yorker dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Yorker pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes