Yorker Jokes

What are some Yorker jokes?

Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.

A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?

The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?

The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?

The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs

Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.

Know why New Yorkers are so cynical?

For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

Caught by a local tribe.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
(my dad told me this one)

Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota?

Because that's where the mini apple is!

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.

The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.

That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.

What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.

He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."

The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.

The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

A man sees a dog mauling a small girl...

...and runs over to help. After the girl gets away, a nearby journalist comes to the man and says "That was incredible! Tomorrow, the headlines will read 'Brave New Yorker Saves Girl'", to which the man replies "But I am not a New Yorker." The journalist then says "Then they will read 'Brave American Saves Girs'", and again the man replies "But I am not an American!" The journalist then asks, "Then where are you from?" The man smiles and says "I am an Afghan!"

The next day, the headlines read "Islamic Extremist Murders Innocent American Dog"

Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."

"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"

The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."

Why are New Yorkers so skeptical about everything?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

None of your fuckin' business! Get owta my fuckin' way!

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan.

And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.

Four guys are walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker. A reporter comes up to them and asks: "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says: "what's a shortage?" The Russian says: "what's meat?" The North Korean says: "what's an opinion?" The New Yorker says: "What's excuse me?"

New Yorkers confuse me...

Half of them keep saying "fuhgeddaboudit" but the rest of them keep saying "Never forget".

A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp...

A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp, so they rub it and a gene pops out. Upon seeing the men the gene says, "I will grant you three wishes, who would like to go first?" The New Yorker raises his hand, "Very well" says the gene, "What is your wish?" The New Yorker answers, "Put all the Texan back in Texas so they can't bother anyone anymore." "Ok it has been done, who is next?" the gene response. "Well I reckon I'll go next." says the Texan. "Since all the texans are back in Texas, take all the non-texans out and put a giant wall around Texas to keep them out!" "It has been done." says the gene, then he turns to the Coloradan and says, "Since you're the only one who hasn't wished the last one goes to you." The Coloradan pause for a moment, "So all the texans are back in Texas and all the non-texans are out and there's a wall around it?" The gene replied, "Yes, not what is your wish?" The Coloradan replies with the first thing that comes to his mind, "Fill it up with water!"

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London.

The waiter approached the table and said, "Excuse me, but if you order the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage". The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian?

A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.

What kind of tooth brush does a Mexican New Yorker use?


New Yorkers are the fastest readers.

80 stories in ten seconds splat!

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker goes to a restaurant.

The waitress says "Excuse me, if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage."

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The New Yorker says, "What's an 'Excuse me'?"

New Yorker confuses me

Some say forget about it and the others say never forget

How can you tell the difference between a Canadian and a New Yorker?

New Yorker says: Eh! Get off my car...

Canadian says: Get off my car, eh...

What did the New Yorker say to the dog that couldn't get a ride to get food?


Why do so many old New Yorkers move to Florida?

Because every part of their body has started to sag, hang lower, or generally head South.

Why did the New Yorker go to sleep under his car?

He wanted to wake up oily.

Why can't New Yorkers play chess?

They're short 2 towers.

Why are New Yorkers always so distracted?

They can barely afford to pay rent, let alone attention.

You know you're a real New Yorker when...

You enter the vestibule of your apartment building, get hit with the stench of urine, and think to yourself: oh good, today's it's only pee.

Three Guys Stranded on a Cannibal Island

So one day, a boat carrying many people crash on a cannibal island. There are three survivors, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New York-er. They are told by the cannibals that the may kill themselves in any whey they like, and that their skins will be used for canoes. So the Englishman pulls out a gun, says, "For my Queen!", and shoots himself. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of poison-laced whiskey, says, "For my country!" and takes a swig. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The New York-er pulled out a fork, says, "Screw your canoes!" and stabs himself repeatedly with the fork.

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

Mind yer own fuckin' business!

What did the New Yorker order from the Liberian waitress?

Ebola soup!

How to make Yorker jokes?

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