York Times Jokes
72 york times jokes and hilarious york times puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about york times that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest York Times Short Jokes
Short york times jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The york times humour may include short york city jokes also.
- A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live? Moo York.
- Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York city? That's because you don't live in New York City
- My first dad joke My step daughter told me she wanted to write a book called The Language of Farts. I said knowing her it would be a New York Times best smeller!
- A Japanese business man visiting New York City walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a "Stoli with a twist" The bartender leans over the bar and say "Once upon a time...
- The New York Times just contracted me to row a boat for a upcoming story. I'm the Times's new Row-man
- "Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day
- Scientists have opened a dimensional rift in one of New York's most popular tourist spots. They're now calling it Times Squared.
- Trump Administration blocked CNN, BBC, New York Times, LA Times from media briefing Looks like Little Donald needs a safe space...
- Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City? Times Square New Roman.
- A blonde woman calls the airport - Good morning! How much time will it take for me to get from Los Angeles to New York?
- Just a moment.
- And back?
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York Times One Liners
Which york times one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with york times? I can suggest the ones about new yorker and york jets.
- Which newspaper is most popular around cows? The Moo York Times
- First time trying New York Chinese takeout and was asked how I liked it. It was Tso Good.
- If you say "Unique New York" (5 times fast) is it easy or hard?
- Did you hear about Hugh Hefner's memoir? It made the New York Times Breastseller List.
- What kind of newspaper do cows read? The Moo York Times
- What time is it in New York City? 5 past Lundqvist
- Why does the New York Times hire Jews? So they can put out a paper on December 26th.
- t**... attack in New York Thousands of people scream as Mariah Carey bombs Time Square
Uproarious York Times Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about york times you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean newspaper headlines jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make york times pranks.
Chuck Norris once killed a man in New York while practicing Bruce Lee's one inch punch.
..
Chuck Norris was in San Franscisco at the time.
A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York.
At the same time in South Texas is getting a b**... from a 85 year old lady.
What are both men thinking?
Don't look down.
A guy rang up to air port and said: "
Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to Sanfransico?
The lady replied "A moment..."
Then the guy said "Thank you" and ceased conversation.
George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent:
"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati."
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent.
"That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route."
The pope was visiting New York
His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"
So there is this bar on the 15th floor of a building in New York
And this dude walks in like he owns the place. He walks up to the bartender and orders 4 of his "Special Drinks". Then he jumps out the window and flys around the building 10 times.
When he jumps back in he goes to this girl at the bar and says "Did you see that?" She says no and he orders 4 more drinks and flys around the bar again. This time she was walking to the window while he was flying and she still didn't see it. He comes back in, orders 4 more drinks and tells the girl to wait at the window. Flys around the building and this time she sees it.
When he jumps back in she is ecstatic. "Oh my god! That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Bartender, give me 4 of those drinks."
She jumps out the window and falls to her death.
The bartender turns to the man and says "Superman, you're a mean drunk"
Pack your Bags
A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage.
As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, "I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."
The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the women and says, "I'm sorry, we can't do that!"
The woman says, "Well why not? You guys did it last time without me even asking?"
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
Old technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely sod all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Fathers
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father of many".
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
A Jewish lady wants an obituary for her husband.
A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says "I want an obituary for my husband." The person at the times says "it's 10$ a word". "10$ a word!" The lady exclaims. "Fine" she says "Burnstein dies". The lady says "there is a minimum of 5 words". "Fine" she grumbles, "Burnstein dies Buick for sale".
Another Irish Joke
Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says "What will ya have?" At the same time the two men say "A pint of Guinness." They look at each other and one says "You look familiar, are you from Ireland?" The man replies "Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually." The other man replies "Me too! What town!?"
The man says "I'm from Belcamp." The other man replies "Me too! What street?"
Man replies "Clonshaugh Road." The other man again replies "I grew up on Clonshaugh Road!"
So the two men carry on drinking and laughing and talking about the old country for a few hours and then go on their way. The evening manager eventually shows up and sees the bar empty. He asks the bartender if it has been slow. The bartender replies "We haven't had any customers yet except for the O'Brien twins."
One last time
On a flight from London to New York, a lightening strike takes out an engine.
The pilot calmly announces "Ladies and gentleman, due to storm conditions we have lost an engine. Please dont worry, the remaining engine is fine and we will be landing at JFK in about 90 minutes."
20 minutes later another bolt of listening takes out the remaining engine and the powerless aircraft is losing altitude.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, we have lost our remaining engine, it doesn't look good, we are losing altitude and will fall into the Atlantic in approximately 10 minutes. May God have mercy on us all."
Upon hearing this, the chief stewardess bursts into the cockpit "Captain is it true?!" She says.
"Afraid so Cindy." He says.
She looks at him and tears off her blouse "Captain, before we die, make me feel like a woman one last time."
The pilot rips off his shirt, gives it to the stewardess and says to her "Here you go, iron this."
So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.
Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor
So this Jewish rabbi
is tired of where he lives. He lives in New York City and everyday he hears stories about crime and sees drug deals and people getting mugged. One day he has finally had enough, and he packs up his things and leaves. He goes to the airport and tells the clerk to give him a random ticket to anywhere. He flies for a long time and arrives to the land of Sneed where are the people are called Snids. Things are going great until a week after he got there and he sees this giant ogre giving all the Snids in the land of Sneed a good kick. This continues and one day the rabbi goes over to the ogre and says "Mr. ogre why don't you kick me? I live here too and i think we should all be treated equally." The ogre responds, "SILLY RABBI! KICKS ARE FOR SNIDS!"
Zipper joke.
(Heard this today from a nice women, so not mine obviously. Thought itd be good here. )
In New york the new buses have a pretty steep first ledge to get on them. A woman wearing a tight skirt tries to get on. She reaches her leg up but it is no good. So she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt down just a little. She tries again and still can't. So she unzips it even more down, but still isn't enough and unzips it down more again.
Finally the man behind her picks her up by her waist and puts her on the bus.
The woman gasps "thats rude how dare you touch me."
The man responds, "well after you unzipped my pants three times i figured we were friends."
A child falls into a lion pit at the zoo...
The crowd is shocked, but a man jumps into the pit, punches the lion, and returns the child to safety. Another man runs up to the hero and says "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and what you did is incredible! This deserves to be on the front page tomorrow, just tell me what your occupation is and your political affiliation is."
The hero replied "I'm a marine, and I'm a Republican." The next day, the front page of the New York Times reads
"REPUBLICAN MARINE PUNCHES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS LUNCH"
So, I'm taking a walk around New York...
With my pet snake. We're walking around having a grand ol' time and then I see it, a small little hot dog stand! I go up to the guy and ask, "Could I get a hotdog, plain please." Now, this hot dog is the best I've ever had! So I think, naturally, that I have to get one for my snake so I ask the man, "Could I get another hot dog for my snake," and the guy informs me, "sorry, but I just ran out of buns," to which I reply, "My Andaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun."
A New York Times reporter is interviewing some people
The first question asked is "What is your honest opinion about the shortage of meat in the world?"
The interview was a huge failure...
The African asks "What does meat mean?".
The American asks "What does shortage mean?".
The Chinese person asks "What does opinion mean?".
The Russian asks "What does honest mean?"
The North Korean just waits. The reporter asks again, and is told "The Interview is no good!"
True Story.
My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'
I'm 10 times more likely to get mugged in Colorado than I am in New York City.
Because I don't live in New York City.
I wonder if Einstein thought of his theory of general relativity...
in New York's Time Squared...
Bill Clinton is working at a newsstand. A woman asks him "How can I buy the New York Times?"
He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.
Hot dogs
Two foreigners arrive in America for the first time, in New York City. They step out into the city and see a hot dog stand. One says to the other "wow - they eat dogs in America? Well I guess we should give it a try". They each get a hot dog and sit down to eat. After a minute of just staring at his hot dog, one turns to the other and says "hey... what part did you get?".
Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...
"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.
According to a New York Times article last week, statistically speaking, masseuses have a 27% higher chance to be anti-feminist than the average person.
It's because they are massage-inists.
My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...
We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."
When I heard about 9-11...
Considering I was living in New York at the time, as it was happening it occurred to me how easily that it could have been me involved
But then I realised I had no idea how to fly a plane
New York Times study on gay youth.
90% say they are born with these feeling.
The other 10% are s**... into it.
Have you heard that the juridprodence fetisist got off on a technicallity?
He was defending a case belonging to the estate of a New York Times Award Winning author, he really was a cunning linguist.
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.
There is a plane of children along with a priest, a rabbi, and a rapper is flying to New York
Suddenly, the engine catches fire. The rabbi says, "We must save the children." The rapper yells back, "Screw the children!" The Priest responds, "Do you think we have enough time?"
Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, s**... every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...
The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.
When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"
There's an amazing bar in New York...
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.
Did you see the Browns game?
Not the first time the Browns have crashed the Jets in New York
Feline Frustrations.
The New York Times recently released a story about the rampant feline a**... that happens at veterinary offices.
Apparently, the cats are starting the #meowtoo movement.
New York City just went a weekend without a shooting fir the first time in decades
They'll have to make up next weekend
People of New York, Los Angeles & Miami, did you know you are living in 3 cities at the same time?
The Tourist
An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
Sam Adams decides to pay Thomas Paine a visit ...
He knocks, and Tom comes to answer the door. Sam says, "I notice that you use the New York Times instead of a doormat. "Yes," says Tom. "These are the Times that dry mens' soles."
The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle
He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.
After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.
He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself t**... and looks down and sees a spit with glowing coals warming up below him.
He screams for mercy and says You don't understand, I'm the chief editor of the New York Times!! .
The head cannibal replied, relax…
Soon you'll be the editor in chief…
Common misconception about New York, we don't have 24 hour subway service.
We actually have 12 hour service because it doesn't work half the f**...' time
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
Vladimir Putin is called to New York to answer before the United Nations for his invasion of Ukraine
Putin gets to the customs officer and presents his passport.
Customs agent: And what's the purpose of your visit, Mr. Putin? Business or pleasure?
Putin: Business, of course.
Customs agent: Occupation?
Putin: No, not this time. Just visiting.