yesterday Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious yesterday stories

What are the best Yesterday puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Yesterday? Well here is a complete list of Yesterday to have fun with:

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

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Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

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I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.

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Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

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Bar Psychic

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

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My favorite dad joke that I've only gotten to tell three times

You know how as kids get older, someone always says "It feels like just yesterday he/she was born"? Well...

I have three kids. The day after my first was born, I was holding him in the hospital rocking chair, and this joke just kind of popped into my head.

I looked up at my wife and said "Honey, he looks so big already." She smiled. I looked back down at my son with tears of love in my eyes and said, "It feels like just yesterday he was born."

She rolled her eyes at me and groaned.

I have a vasectomy now, so sadly I will no longer be able to tell this joke.

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2 engineers on a bike

two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

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So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

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(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional...

'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!'
'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest.
'Hell no.'
'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks.
'What sins?' asks the man.
After a slight pause the priest says, 'my son, what kind of Catholic are you?'
'I'm not, I'm an Atheist.'
Confused, the priest finally asks, 'so why are you telling me this?'
'Are you kidding?' replies the man. 'I'm 90 years old and I fucked two young girls at once. I'm telling EVERYBODY!'

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Yesterday, I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps

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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

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Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

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I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

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Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

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I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next to me.

Suddenly, they all yelled "YEEHAW" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere, and 18 wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, and killing everybody in it instantly.

For several long moments, I sat in shock. I thought "Damn, that could have been me".

So today, I woke up bright and early. I went out, and applied for a job as a truck driver.

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Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday

But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

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I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday...

I made a grave mistake.

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I was at my bank today...

... there was a short queue. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

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I was waiting at a stop light yesterday...

Up next to me pulled a small car. It was full of Muslim terrorist types shouting in a foreign language. The car had a half burnt American flag hanging on the side with "Remember 911" spray painted on the side. One of the men stuck his head out the window and shouted "Death to America!!!" They sped off right after before the light changed to green.

Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler slammed into the side of the car, crushing it and killing them all instantly.

I sat for a minute in shock. I thought to myself, that could have been me.

So this morning I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

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Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

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A woman was desperate for finding a boyfriend...

So she decided to put a Newspaper Classified with her address saying this:

"I'm looking for a man who loves me, a man who doesn't hit me, one that won't run away from me and that pleassures me in bed."

The next day her doorbell rang and there was a man with no arms and no legs waiting outside. When she opened he said "Im here for the ad you posted yesterday"

The woman laughed and said "What makes you think you can make me happy?"

The man aswered. "As you can see, I have no arms so i will never hit you. Also I have no legs so I will never run away from you"

"And what about sex?" Said the woman.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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How are girls and school similar?

You can only fuck around between the periods.

I don't know if you guys will find this funny, but I thought of this at lunch yesterday, may just be highschooler humour!

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So, I was on the train yesterday ...

... and this hot Thai girl got on at the next station and took the seat in front of me. I was thinking to myself: "Please don't get a boner, please don't get boner." But she did.

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A stranger and two penguins.

A man was walking down the street with two penguins following behind him. A police man sees this, thinks it's a bit strange, pulls over and says to the guy.

Cop 'hey, where did you get those two penguins from'?

Guy 'they aren't mine, they have just been following me all day'.

Cop 'those are exotic animals. Do me a favour take them both up to the zoo'.

The man agrees he will. The next day the cop is driving down the same street and he sees the same guy, still with two penguins following behind him. He pulls over again and says.

Cop 'hey! I thought I told you yesterday to take those two penguins to the zoo'!

Guy 'I did. I'm taking them to the cinema today'.

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An old guy walks into a church...

"- Father, I'm 92 years old, am married to a 70 year old wife and have 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I gave a ride to 2 young college girls; they were beautiful, nice, modern, you know? After a little chit chat we stop by a motel. I had sex with each one of them 3 times."

The priest remains silent for a few moments, but seeing that the old guy doesn't have anything else to say, he asks:

"- Are you regretful of your sins?"

"- What sins?"

"- What kind of catholic are you?!"

"- Catholic? Me? I'm an atheist."

"- Then why come here and tell me that story?"

"- I'm telling everybody."

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Go fly a kite

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"

The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."

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I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

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A cop pulls over a man with 16 penguins in his car.

The cop says, "what the hell are you doing!? Are these your penguins?"

The man nods and the cop says, "Well take them to the zoo right this instant!" And the man drives off.

The next day the same cop sees the same man driving the same car with the same 16 penguins and again the cop pulls the man over.

"I told you yesterday to take these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did," says the man. "And today we're going to the beach!"

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A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

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What engineers want.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Sergeant Miller!

Yes sir?

I didn't see you at the camouflage training yesterday!

Thank you sir!

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

The police charged one and let the other one off.           

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they fired me." "And what about the Potato Peeler?" I asked. "They fired her too."

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A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

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I swallowed two bits of string yesterday.

When they came out the other end they were tied together. I shit you knot!

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Hi Alan – It's John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn't want to tell you face to face so decide to message you. Sorry buddy.

Damn Straight it wont happen again says Alan as he stares at the screen of his phone. With this, he goes to the bedroom, takes his gun and goes into the kitchen where his other half is preparing dinner. Without a word he shoots her twice in the head.

As her lifeless body drops to the floor, Alan's phone receives another message: John again from next door – stupid autocorrect, sure you saw the typo. Anyway we have our own router and broadband now, it wont happen again.

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I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work
on the side of the road.
People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.
He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck the naked cardboard men were
doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn't believe he didn't know!
So I told him .... "Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ....
They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

I go to court in August.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best yesterday jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty yesterday gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these yesterday jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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