Yesterday Jokes

136 yesterday jokes and hilarious yesterday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about yesterday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your friends laugh with the best of yesterday's jokes! Learn about the fun to be had making jokes about the difference between yesterday, tomorrow, morning, and midday. Get your daily dose of humor with jokes about the past and future.

Funniest Yesterday Short Jokes

Short yesterday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The yesterday humour may include short last year jokes also.

  1. As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
  2. I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
    That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
  3. Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
  4. At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
  5. Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
  6. I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
  7. To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday Can you please stop calling my new phone?
  8. Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  9. what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
    my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
  10. My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"? I said "No man, that would just make us even."

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Yesterday One Liners

Which yesterday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with yesterday? I can suggest the ones about earlier and tomorrow.

  1. What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died? My Korea is over
  2. Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15° And you know what?
    I was 0K :)
  3. An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
  4. I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
  5. So I lost my mood ring yesterday... I'm not sure how I feel about that.
  6. My Korean friend died yesterday So Yung...
  7. Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because he wasn't born yesterday
  8. I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do for him.
  9. Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
  10. I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
  11. I killed four people by looking them yesterday.
  12. I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
  13. I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.
  14. A clown held the door open for me yesterday I thought it was a nice jester.
  15. I ran 3 miles yesterday Eventually I just said here keep your purse

Born Yesterday Jokes

Here is a list of funny born yesterday jokes and even better born yesterday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I tickled my little brother's foot I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,

    "Wait until he is born"
  • I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
  • Why can't you trick a miscarriage? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
  • I am smarter than George Jetson Because unlike him, I wasn't born yesterday
  • Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday
  • A joke about abortion. Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
    Because it wasn't born yesterday.
  • I earned an Oscar for being the best producer. He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.
  • Today is the only day in my new grandson's life that he can't say I wasn't born yesterday . Because he was. We are stoked btw
  • Why are miscarried children very smart? Because they weren't born yesterday.
  • When I was born I had the choice of being rich or having a good memory... I remember like it was yesterday!
Yesterday joke, When I was born I had the choice of being rich or having a good memory...

Giggle-Inducing Yesterday Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about yesterday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean recently jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make yesterday pranks.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Son, I found a c**... in your room.

Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter's p**....

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage v**...

But today I turned 20

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"

Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her and says "okay what's going on, what's the big deal with this frog business, why do you want me to talk like a frog?
The little girl looks at him and says "because mommy said when you croak we get to move to Hawaii"

I was washing the car with my son yesterday

He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is... to win her back.

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old v**......

...i turned 25 yesterday.

A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.
"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.
He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass". He gives the boss 5000$.
"But why would you do that?", asked the boss, bewildered.
"Yesterday I have bet your colleagues 10000$ that today at exactly 3 o'clock they would see your ass through your office window"

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."
The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"
I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto?

He says, I'd take my half and leave you.
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

I got a h**... yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

I was at my bank today...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't e**... ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"
(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing

I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.

I saw the girl i had s**... with on Halloween yesterday

I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

"Yesterday, my wife left me for my best friend"

"Who is your best friend?"
"Since when is Robert your best friend?"

I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.

I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.

I was a 26 year old v**... until last night

Yesterday i turned 27!

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Yesterday joke, "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

jokes about yesterday