Giggle-Inducing Yesterday Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
Son, I found a c**... in your room.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday
it was a risk I was willing to take
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
My Korean friend died yesterday
So Yung...
You can explore yesterday midday reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean yesterday tuesday dad jokes. There are also yesterday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
So I was at my bank today.
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?
I said "No man, that would just make us even."
Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.
Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday.
An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage v**...
But today I turned 20
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
Guess who's no longer a 24 year old v**......
...i turned 25 yesterday.
My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...
...how to win her back.
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°
And you know what?
I was 0K :)
So I lost my mood ring yesterday...
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.
Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight
Sigh...
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"Thomas."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.
And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday
So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.
R.I.P. dad
My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________
An African man visits his friend in the US
I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."
The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.
"He stopped calling for help yesterday
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store
"A guardian of the galaxys"
my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
I was washing the car with my son yesterday
He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….
reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.
But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.
I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.
I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."
The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"
I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."
An Apple fan walks into a bar....
Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter's p**....
Police suspect that the crime is race related.
To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday
Can you please stop calling my new phone?
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…
Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.
Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.
Yesterday I donated my phone, wallet and watch to a poor guy...
You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.
Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.
It's still no match for me at kickboxing though.
A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"
The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"
The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
"I think," says the surgeon gently, "this means your cataract operation was a success."
Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"
Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her and says "okay what's going on, what's the big deal with this frog business, why do you want me to talk like a frog?
The little girl looks at him and says "because mommy said when you croak we get to move to Hawaii"
My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.
Polly gone.
my husband got slapped yesterday!
he walks into an elevator and sees a woman with huge breasts, and can't stop staring. finally, she rolls her eyes, and says could you please, just press 1?. and he did!
A man goes to Spain on vacation
While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal
The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its testicles"
The next day the man asks for the same side dish but notices that its tiny compared to the ones yesterday
He asks the waiter why they're so small and the waiter says "Sometimes the bull wins"
