The Best 62 Yesterday Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Yesterday jokes. There are some yesterday tonight jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these yesterday tues puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Yesterday Jokes and Puns

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Yesterday joke, I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.


Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.

Yesterday joke, I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

You can explore yesterday midday reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean yesterday tuesday dad jokes. There are also yesterday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

Yesterday joke, I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?

I said "No man, that would just make us even."


Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.

Lucky it was a soft drink

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!

You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.

Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.

"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."

At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto?

He says, I'd take my half and leave you.

She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."

It was my birthday yesterday and I got given a rubbish thesaurus

It was rubbish

Doctor says "I've got bad news and worse"

John says "Oh, no, what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "Well, the bad news is that you've got 24 hours to live"

John: "That's, that's awful, what could be worse than that?"

Doctor: "Well, I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday"

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

Yesterday I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm suffering from deja vu

Didn't I see you yesterday?

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police …

The police are now searching for hardened criminals.

Got my wife during the game last night

Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:

Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?

Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago

Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?

Me: no it's Las Vegas

Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up

Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words


She didn't like it as much as I did :D

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the yesterday midmorning jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working yesterday ended piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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