Yesterday Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?

I said "No man, that would just make us even."

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water

into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" Said the interviewer.

"No" I said, "I always give 110%"

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because they weren't born yesterday...

Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing

I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.

I saw the girl i had sex with on Halloween yesterday

I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...

Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"

The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".

The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".

The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

"Yesterday, my wife left me for my best friend"

"Who is your best friend?"

"Robert"

"Since when is Robert your best friend?"

"Yesterday."

I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.

I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.

I was a 26 year old virgin until last night

Yesterday i turned 27!

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday

But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday...

I made a grave mistake.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

What are the funniest yesterday jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Yesterday? Well, here are the best Yesterday puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Yesterday pick up lines to share with friends.

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