Yes Sir Jokes

98 yes sir jokes and hilarious yes sir puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about yes sir that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Yes Sir Short Jokes

Short yes sir jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The yes sir humour may include short madam sir jokes also.

A general walks up to his private "Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!"
What are the options? Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"
Passenger: "What are the options?"
Air Hostess: "Yes and No."
"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool." "But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board."
A flight attendant asks a man: -Sir, do you want something to drink?
-What are my options?
-Yes and No
Sergeant Miller! Yes sir?
I didn't see you at the camouflage training yesterday!
Thank you sir!
A guy goes to a cake shop and says: - Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
- Yes sir.
- Well, I'll order five of those.
The driver & Police Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
Sergeant: I didn't see you at camouflage practice this morning Private! Private: Yes Sir! Thank you sir!
Food snobs "May I take your order? " the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? "
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "
Prof to the student: Did you study geography? Student: Yes sir.
Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?
Student: At page 35 prof.

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Yes Sir One Liners

Which yes sir one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with yes sir? I can suggest the ones about pardon me sir and sir mix.

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery. Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.
Yes Sir, Officer. I saw the stop sign. I just didn't see you.
What did mr t say when asked if he had any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.
Soldier! - Yes, Sir?
- I didn't see you at camouflage training today!
- Thank you, Sir!
Hey kid, you're an orphan right? Yes sir, what gave me away?
Your parents.
In Victoria Secret shop... sir can i help you?
yes...does this come in children sizes?😐
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
I had quite an argument today with the boss, but I had the last word. "Yes sir."
What did the tumor say when asked if it could kill its host? "Yes I can, sir."
You will refer to me as captain and captain only! Yes sir captain only!
"Yes, I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL c**..., please." "Sir, that's a sleeping bag."

Yes Sir Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about yes sir you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mister jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make yes sir pranks.

An American and a Russian are arguing about who's country is better

The American says, "See in America you can walk into the president's oval office, pound his desk and say, Mr.President I don't like the way you're running your country."
The Russian says, "Well, I can do that."
The American questions, "You can?"
The Russian explains, "Yes, I can walk into the president's office, pound his desk and say, Sir I don't like the way the American president is running his country."

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

A Lithuanian couple in a hotel

A Lithuanian couple go to a hotel in USA. They spot a mouse in the room.
"A mouse! Dear, call the lobby, you know at least some English, right?!"
The man picks up the phone.
"Helou."
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, dū jū nau Tom and Džeri?"
"Yes sir, of course."
"So, Džeri iz hier."

Lessons.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Old man driving alone

An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Out on the Town

A man is standing n**... on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."
Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get n**... and go to town. "
I guess I beat her here.

911?

Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

A man is waiting in line and sees another man...

He says, "excuse me sir, are you an attorney?"
The other man says, "yes. I am."
The first man says, "what is your fee?"
The attorney says, "$400 per four questions."
The man says, "isn't that terribly expensive?"
"yes." says the attorney. "what is your fourth question?"

Man walks into a doctor's office

Doc: Sir, I'm afraid that you have a very serious case of... onomatopoeia
Patient: Oh no! is tha-
Doc: Yes... it's exactly what it sounds like

A man walks into a bar...

and glances at the menu.
* **Sandwiches, $2**
* **Hand jobs, $5**
He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties.
"Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?"
She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am."
"Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."

Who said r**... aren't real smart?

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.

2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone

Hello! Crime branch?
Yes.
This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir! The floor is still wet!

An farmer walks in to a lawyer's office in Alabama...

And he says to the lawyer, "Sir, I'd like to get a divorce."
To which the lawyer says, "Well, do you have a suit?"
"Yes, I sure do", the man replies. "Wear it to church every Sunday."
"That's not what I mean. Do you have a case?"
"No, you see I've always been a John Deere man myself. Never had a Case in my life."
"Sir, do you have any issues with your wife. Did she cheat on you, is she a n**...?"
To which the farmer replies, "No, but the baby is. And that's why I want a divorce."

Two policemen . . .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.

The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.

"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.
"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.
"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but... are all your boys named Mike?"
"Yes sir," she replied.
"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.
"No, they all have different last names."

Yes, very brave

I went to the dentist to have a tooth removed, as I was in a rush I said, 'Look I don't want any anesthetic, no laughing gas, I just want you to remove the tooth as quickly as possible'. 'That's very brave of you sir', said the dentist. 'Now which tooth is it?'. I turned to my wife and said, 'Go on honey tell him which tooth'
.

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."

Waiting for... eeeeeer... someone?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies:
- "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds:
- "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.
"Yes", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
"I know, but she's good with the kids."

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'
The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

I'm a moth

I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, I'm a moth.
The dentist said, You're a moth?
I said, Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!
The dentist said, Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall.
I said, I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.

A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:
'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'
'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'
The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'
'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'
'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right t**....'

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said...

Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?
I said, What are the options?
She said, Yes and No.

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"

A man is charged with first-degree m**... and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

Did you commit the crime?
No sir, I did not.
I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?
Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for m**....

A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...

And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food! The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.
"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.
"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.
"And you? Did you see my face"
"No, sir. But my wife did"

I was at a liquor store

An employee asked me: "Do you need help sir?"
"Yes but I came anyways"

The husband calls the hotel reception: "Hello, can you send someone over? I'm arguing with my wife..."

"...And she says she's going to throw herself out the window!"
Receptionist: "Sir...that...that is a personal matter"
Husband: "Yes, I get it... but the window does not open...and that's is a hotel maintenance problem...!"

Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?

"Adam"

And your wife's?
"Eve"
Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?
"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."

A young first officer asks his Captain

A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."

A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....

...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.

A man goes to a restaurant..

A man goes to a restaurant and is ready to order
' So what would you have, sir?'
Yes, I would like to order lasagna please
'Sir.. this is a Chinese restaurant..'
Oh I'm so sorry! I would rike to order the rasagna prease!

Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner

After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a q**... please."
"A q**...?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."

'Hello, is this Trump's office?'

'Yes, how can we help you? '
'Can you guys tell me a good joke?'
'Sir, please, we are serious people and we are working very hard all the time, we don't have time for jokes.'
'Hahhahahahaahah, good one, thank you very much.'

So Jesus walks into a restaurant with his disciples...

...and asks the maitrre'd for a table for 26.
"26? Is your whole party here sir?" He replied.
"Oh yes" said Jesus.
"But there are only 13 of you here" replied the maitrre'd.
"Well we always sit on the same side of the table" said Jesus.

„Soldier!

„Yes, General?
„I didn't see you at the disguise training this morning!
„Thank You, Sir!

This guy stopped me in the street.

"Sir," he said, "have you got a few minutes to complete a survey on priorities?"
I said, "Yes," and walked away.

Sir, your son was smoking m**... at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?

FOBs will understand.

3 new men - an Irish man, an English man and a Samoan - arrive at the army camp. The next day, the colonel, salt of the earth, rough as guts type fellow, decides to go psych the newbies up.
He calls them to line up and approaches the Irish man...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"
"Good."
He walks over to the English man...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"
"Good man."
Then he approaches the Samoan...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR NO SIR!!"
"What??"
"I CAME HERE YESTER-DIE!"

Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption
Adoption Agent: wth..?... sir...you must be mistaken ...we...
Me: *crying* Please...help...
...I can't raise them on my own

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"
"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."
"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?
"Yes!"
So you're vampires?
"Yes. We have pamphlets"
Vampires have missionaries now?
"How else would we get new vampire members?"
But don't you just like, bite people?
"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.
They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.
"Sir, do you know this woman?"
"Yes it's my wife"
(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."
The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given
the money, he turns to a customer and asks,' Did you see me rob this
bank?'The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

The guy who wanted to change his name

A guy goes to a registry office to change his name. This is how the conversation goes with the officer:
\- You need to have a convincing reason to change your name, sir.
\- But my name is terrible!
\- Well, what's your name?
\- Johnny s**...
\- Oh, well, yes that's pretty convincing. What do you want to change it to?
\- Jimmy s**....

A joke about eggs

An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."

Man: Why do I have to do it myself? I've donated blood before and a nurse draws it.

Receptionist: Yes sir, but this is a s**... bank, it doesn't work like that here.

Received a call from the recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir i have two openings for you".

I replied: Yes. I know
There was a long silence and then she said: a**...
I replied: I prefer the other one.

When I first came to the US. I stayed at a hotel with a rodent problem. I tried to call front desk but I didn't know how to say mouse in English.

Hello sir how can I help you?
Do you know Tom and j**...?
Yes sir.
j**... is here.

A Mortal Kombat character walks into a store..

Employee: "Finding everything okay, sir?"
Character: "Yes, I'm just Lui Kang."

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: Protection?
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?
Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...

After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"
The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."
The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"
The guy goes "I'm dyslexic so it's taking me a while to get through the 3rd paragraph."

A man asks for v**... in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of v**... cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but you started it.
*That joke almost got me fired... but it was worth.

At the u**...

Two man, p**... side by side.
"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"
"Erh... yes I am."
"You are from Krakow?"
"Yes."
"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"I don't think so. But you were born between 1970 and 1980?"
"Yes, could you finally tell me where we met?"
"We have not met, sir. But in the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street in Krakow, Rabbi Goldberg war responsible for the bris in between 1970 and 1980. And the good Rabbi never managed to make a clean cut. And you're p**... on my shoes".

The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Old lady on a cruise...

i tried using an ai to generate a joke with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar"

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one, and he's forty.
"what will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

Do you mean to say, he asked, that with this card I may take out any book I want?
Yes, she answered.
And may I take out vinyl records too?
Yes, you may.
May I take you out? he ventured.
*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only. *