yer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious yer puns

You could be a 1, you could be a 10, but in the restroom...

... yer an eight.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him?

Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?

The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?

Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.

And yer hand? asks Marty.

When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.

OK, but what's with the eye patch?

I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.

But ya don't go blind from no seagull poop.

True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Irish Prostitute- An old joke but still good!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.


Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?


The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."


"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."


"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."


"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."


Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.


Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.


"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hillbilly Ma says to her son,

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."

"What fer ma?"

"Jis go 'n hava look."

So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.

"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.

"Still don't see nuthin," he says.

"Stick yer head in the hole."

"But, Ma."

"Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole.

Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck."

"Aggravating isn't it?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Anheuser-Busch

A woman goes to a bar and the bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The woman says, "I guess I'll just have a beer."

The bartender says, "Anheuser-Busch?"

The woman says, "Just fine, thanks! An' how's yer cock?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pirate walks into a bar...

Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub.

The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches,

"Are you really a pirate?" he asks

"Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service."

"Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?"

"Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink."

Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen.

"Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..."

"Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?"

"Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..."

"Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?"

The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury...

"Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..."

"What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?"

"Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says:
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts:
"Screw off, ya freakin little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks: "Was that cross enough?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

That fucking guy.

Three guys are drinking at a bar. There is a guy who is completely wasted by himself at the bar, sitting near them. He looks at the group of guys and says, "I boned yer mother last night!" "He's drunk just ignore him," says one of the 3. "Yer mother sucks my cock!" Screams the drunk guy. The 3 guys just ignore him, again, but their patience is running low. The drunk guys then says, "I boned yer mother up the ass last night!" One guy finally has had enough, he stands up and says, "Dad your drunk go the fuck home."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old man walks into a bar.

He sits next to this scary biker fella. After few drinks he turns to the biker and says, "Your moms got a tight ass", the bar falls silent but the biker just looks at the old man and goes back to drinking.

After a few drinks the old man again turns to the biker and says, "I gave it to yer mum real good last night". The biker is visibly pissed but doesn't do anything, he just walks off to another table and resumes drinking.

The old man is now thoroughly drunk and has been telling everyone in the bar how he fucked the bikers mom, the biker gets up walks up to the man and says, " GOD DAMMIT DAD!! You're drunk. Go home"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Pirates

My mom just sent me this one, thought it was good


Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet 
in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?

Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.

And yer hand? asks Marty.

When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.

OK, but what's with the eye patch?

I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.

But ya don't go blind from no seagull poop.

True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Politican sees the scottish barber

A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".

A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."


Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent.

The Mother Superior answers.

"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"

"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."

"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"

"No, little man"

"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"

"No, little man."

"So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns?"

"Yes, as far as I know in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns." The line of questioning becoming tiresome, the Mother Superior closes the door and goes away.

One leprechaun turns to the other and says, "Ah, well ye see, Seamus, I told you it was a penguin we fooked."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Beers for me brothers

So, there's a man in a small Irish village who comes to a local pub at least once a week. When he came around, he would always order three beers and sit and drink all three before leaving.

One day a new patron came into the bar and while sitting at the bar noticed the man order three beers. Out of curiosity, the patron asked him, "'Scuse me mate. I notice you ordered three beers and drink all three yer self. Why is that?"

And the man said, "Well me and my two brothers used to come to this pub and drink. But, my eldest brother moved to New York and my younger brother moved to Manchester. So, I come down and drink for them and they do the same for me when they go out."

The new patron smiled and left the man to his drink. About four weeks later, the man who order three drinks came into the pub, but only order two beers. The pub was silent and a lot of the patrons held their head down in respect. The new patron felt that someone needed to console the bloke so he walks over to him an says, "Mate, if there is anything I could do. Hell, anything the pub can do, let us know."

The man is a little confused: "What do ya mean?"

The patron says, "Well, you only ordered TWO beers tonight instead of your three. I mean, I hope the loss of one of your brother's hasn't been too hard."

The man looked around and says, "Oh, no mate, no one died....I just quit drinking!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Scottish man in a kilt is having a few drinks with some friends...

...when the barmaid asks him "do you wear underwear under that kilt?" He smiles and says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". She declines, but as the night wears on her curiosity grows so she asks again, and again he says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". she decides to call him on his bluff and suddenly jams her hand under the kilt.
Slowly a look of Horror spreads across her face and She says " OH MY GOD! IT'S GRUESOME! The Scotsman says "I know! Keep ya hand up there an it'll grew some more!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Tiger's balls

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says,

"Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer crotch there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Spanish pirate walks into a bar... [OC]

A Spanish pirate walks into a bar, and he appears down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks,

"Aye, what'll ye be havin'?"

"Agua, por favor."

"Hm, whatever floats yer boat, lad."

"...SΓ­."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irishman was telling a Scott about his trouble sleeping.

The Scott asks if he's tried counting sheep. The Irishman says that stuff doesn't work, it's for wee babes in mums aarms. The Scott says, Ney laddie, werks ever time. But 'ye got ta meek it reel lifey like in yer heed. See ever lil' detail, ever lil' soond dontcha do any meer wandrin bye.

The Irishman asked if that really worked and the Scott said, Ever time as true as the dew in tha morn. I coont one sheep - an really see 'er. Then two sheep. Three. By sevn er eight I'm hard as a habit. I have a kweek wank and sleep like a babe.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So two good ol' boys are talking on the porch…

…and one says to the other, "Heard you an' yer wife're havin' a yung'un."

The other says, "Yup."

First one says, "Gonna be boy or girl?"

Other says, "Don' know. Still tryna figger out if I'm a dad or an uncle."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month cattle drive, asks the barman for 4 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"We still ain't got no girls here, but Pretty Larry is still out back in the alley, if'n yer desperate enough."

"Not yet. . ." says the cowboy.

The next time, the cowboy walks in after a 6 month cattle drive. He asks for 6 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"Still no girls," says the barman, "I don't suppose yer desperate enough for ol' Pretty Larry in the back alley?"

"Well. . ." says the cowboy, "as long as we can keep it a secret I suppose I *am* desperate enough this time."

"Oh sure!" says the barman, "No one will know 'cept me, you, Larry, Jim, and Roy."

"Who're Jim and Roy??" asks the cowboy.

The barman says, "They're the ones who hold Larry down."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a Pirate say before he plans on having sex with his wife?

[Can I plunder yer booty?](#s)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin."

-Eli Whitney

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Best read in an Irish brogue

I see yer new in th'area, boyz, so ai'll give ya some free advice. Be careful wat yer known far, as da locals can be a bit stickish.

Lookit me 'uouse, wouldja. I built it wit me own two 'ands, drew da plans up, too. But do dey call me "Billy da 'uouse-builder?" Naw.

That bridge, over awn the the udder side o'da meadow. Built it meself, wit da 'elp o' dose Flannigan boys. An' d'ya tink dey call me "Billy da bridge-builder?" Naw.

An' da meadow itself, I layed out da plot, all right and proper, mind ye. Sunk da fence, too. Do dey call me "Billy da surveyor?" Naw.

But ya get drunk an' fuck one goat! *Just one!*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What doya call an Irishmann with no arms nor leggs hangin from yer ceilin'?

Sean DuLier

(Not original content, but aye couldn't fynd it heahr)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So an Irish guy walks into a Scottish doctor's office

The Irish guys says "Doc, I'm feelin' ill"
Doctor hands the Irishman a cup and says "All right, piss in the cup"
The Irishman says "Go shit in yer hat!" and the fight was on.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In Belfast, Northern Ireland...

A man walking down a dark alley is stopped by a thug with a revolver.
"Freeze, ya Protty bastard!" Says the Thug, "Yer a dead man!"
"Don't shoot!" Cries the man, "I'm not a protestant! "

The Thug smiles "A-ha! I knew it! Time to die ya croppy Papist shite!"

"Don't shoot!" Cries the man again, "I'm not a Catholic either."

The man pulls out a Star of David and smiles.
"See? I'm not a Protestant or a Catholic. I'm a Jew!"

"Oh," says the Thug, surprised.

"Well if you're a Jew..."
He smiles and cocks the revolver.

"Then I'm the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So two farmers were talking . . .

and Jed says to Zeb, "So, what are yeh going to do fer yer vacation this year?"

"Wall," says Zeb, "I figger I'll try somethin' different this year."

"What d'yeh mean different?"

"Wall, remember three years ago when I went to Disneyworld? My wife Earline got pregnant."

"Yep, I remember," says Jed.

"And then the next year I went to Vegas. And Earline got pregnant again."

"Yep."

"And then last year I went to New Orleans. And dang if Earline didn't get pregnant again!"

"Yep," says Jed. "So what're y'all gonna do different this year?"

Zeb says, "This year I'm takin' Earline with me!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Yer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Yer? Well, here are the best Yer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Yer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes