Yer Jokes
57 yer jokes and hilarious yer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about yer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh along with funny jokes from Yer Da, Yer Ma, and Yer Maw! There's something for everyone , from Fers and Mahs to Aights and other hilarious jokes!
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Funniest Yer Short Jokes
Short yer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The yer humour may include short fer jokes also.
- What's the most common phrase heard in West Virginia on a Friday night? Get off me daddy, yer crushin' my cigarettes.
- Q: Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting: "GIVE US YER LOOT!"
A: They were both blonds.
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Yer One Liners
Which yer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with yer? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Why was the number 7 covered in pee? Because 7 said to next number "Yer an 8".
- "Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin." -Eli Whitney
- What did Hagrid say to Harry after he was bitten by Lupin? Yer a hairy wizard
- Newfie word of the day: defeat Jesus Murphy mudder shouts, yer shoes go on de feet.
- Yer dads Yer dads the tallest Muslim in Scotland, he's called Mind Jaheed.
- What did the Indian pirate say to the boat Captain? "Argh, gimmie me alla yer Buddha!"
- Yer da gets a chest infection and spits in a bucket Calls himself fleminem
- what did Hagrid say to Gandalf? stop playing with hobbits, yer a wizzard!
- It's hard being a middle sibling in the South Yer always gittin' squished
- Guys guess what I did last night Yer mum
- What did the hairy guy say to the skinny 11 year-old? ##Yer a wizard, Harry.
- Life is like a chalk of boxlets... Ya never know what yer gonna ship.
- You could be a 1, you could be a 10, but in the restroom... ... yer an eight.
- What did one l**... say to another? Got yer nose!
- Yer man's no chicken anyways... Who's no chicken?
Donald duck.
Rib-Tickling Yer Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about yer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make yer pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him?
Yer a Blizzard, Harry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Captain's Drink
Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!"
America turns to Crunch, "Why's he suddenly "irate"?
Crunch says, "Well, that's what happens when you take the P out of a pirate"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.
The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... are talking about their s**... lives.
"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a t**...?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.
Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..
First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"
Second fella says "A kilt of course!"
First fella "What's the tartin?"
"She's wearing white" says his pal
Politican sees the scottish barber
A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".
A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."
Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says,
"Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer c**... there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."
A Spanish pirate walks into a bar...
A Spanish pirate walks into a bar, and he appears down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks,
"Aye, what'll ye be havin'?"
"Agua, por favor."
"Hm, whatever floats yer boat, lad."
"...Sí."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election
One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."
The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
"Arrr, an Aye for an eye it is, then."
So two good ol' boys are talking on the porch…
…and one says to the other, "Heard you an' yer wife're havin' a yung'un."
The other says, "Yup."
First one says, "Gonna be boy or girl?"
Other says, "Don' know. Still tryna figger out if I'm a dad or an uncle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What doya call an Irishmann with no arms nor leggs hangin from yer ceilin'?
Sean DuLier
(Not original content, but aye couldn't fynd it heahr)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a Pirate say before he plans on having s**... with his wife?
[Can I plunder yer b**...?](#s)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" p**... replies "No I only live round the corner".
Childhood was easy
When I was a kid, I used to love playing pirate. We'd dress up in our hats and eyepatches and run to people on the street yelling 'we're pirates, give us yer money!' Some would play along and some would be a bit intimidated. Apparently this isn't excusable if you're 22.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pirate pick-up lines
I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest.
Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.
See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.
Nice p**... deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?
Avast, me pretty! Strike your p**... and prepare to be boarded.
I've hidden b**... all over the Caribbean — but never have I seen one like yours!
That's NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!
That's a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there.
My peg-leg's ribbed for your pleasure.
Why not climb my main mast and I'll visit your crow's nest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Unfortunate pirate
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?
Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.
And yer hand? asks Morty.
When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.
OK, but what's with the eye patch?
I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.
But ya don't go blind from no seagull p**....
True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.
Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...
...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the Burns unit! Happy Rabbie Burns Day
Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent.
The Mother Superior answers.
"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"
"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"
"No, little man"
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"
"No, little man."
"So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns?"
"Yes, as far as I know in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns." The line of questioning becoming tiresome, the Mother Superior closes the door and goes away.
One leprechaun turns to the other and says, "Ah, well ye see, Seamus, I told you it was a penguin we fooked."
Three strings walk into a bar...
and want to order a couple of beers. The first string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, 3 beers for my friends and I please.". The bartender replied"I don't serve your kind here.". The string goes back to the table and says"Sorry guys, he doesn't serve our kind..". Eager to get beers for him and his buddies, the second string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, can you get me 3 beers for my friends." He yet again replied with " Look buddy I told yer friend I don't serve your kind here!". The string comes back angry. "Still wont serve us.". The final string, fed up with being denied drinks, ties himself into a knot, and frayed the top of his head and says "watch this, I will get us beers." and walks up and says to the bartender"Hey man, can you get me three beers." The bartender says "Oh, sure coming right u- wait WAIT A MINUTE. I thought I told your buddies I DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND!". The string replies with"I'm a frayed knot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day...
And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that "when in Rome", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling " dogs here, get yer dogs!" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked, "which part of the dog did you get?"
Drink for free
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... Ma says to her son,
"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."
"What fer ma?"
"Jis go 'n hava look."
So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.
"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.
"Still don't see nuthin," he says.
"Stick yer head in the hole."
"But, Ma."
"Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole.
Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck."
"Aggravating isn't it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish p**...- An old joke but still good!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a p**......."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a p**... dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
A Scottish man in a kilt is having a few drinks with some friends...
...when the barmaid asks him "do you wear underwear under that kilt?" He smiles and says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". She declines, but as the night wears on her curiosity grows so she asks again, and again he says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". she decides to call him on his bluff and suddenly jams her hand under the kilt.
Slowly a look of Horror spreads across her face and She says " OH MY GOD! IT'S GRUESOME! The Scotsman says "I know! Keep ya hand up there an it'll grew some more!".
So two farmers were talking . . .
and Jed says to Zeb, "So, what are yeh going to do fer yer vacation this year?"
"Wall," says Zeb, "I figger I'll try somethin' different this year."
"What d'yeh mean different?"
"Wall, remember three years ago when I went to Disneyworld? My wife Earline got pregnant."
"Yep, I remember," says Jed.
"And then the next year I went to Vegas. And Earline got pregnant again."
"Yep."
"And then last year I went to New Orleans. And dang if Earline didn't get pregnant again!"
"Yep," says Jed. "So what're y'all gonna do different this year?"
Zeb says, "This year I'm takin' Earline with me!"
