Yep Jokes
97 yep jokes and hilarious yep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about yep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Yep Short Jokes
Short yep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The yep humour may include short wow jokes also.
- I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.' - Ah yes, I forgot it! Sometimes I experience both amnesia and dejà vu at the same time, and I'm like:"Yep, I've forgotten this before ".
- I have a pen that can write underwater. Friend: Wow really?!
Me: Yep. It can write other words, too. - Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency. Yep. I do that.
- A husband and wife been arguing all day: They pass a herd of jackasses. He says: Relatives of yours?
She says: Yep, in-laws - Kid comes home with an A in Maths... "Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine." - Can we have a moment of silence for the late Bob Saget ............ yep, that's what his audience sounded like.
- Coining Money. George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money.
Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that?
Yoda: Yep - Wife: Our Disney certified stroller fits through all openings Dad: Yep, it's Universal
This interaction occurred as we left our Disney hotel room heading to the bus to EPCOT. - Did you hear about... Did you hear about that guy they arrested at the park for measuring squirrels?
Yep, they got him for critter-sizing.
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Yep One Liners
Which yep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with yep? I can suggest the ones about aye and oops.
- Voldemort:so I just have to lie? pinocchio: yep.
- I finally stopped eating deli meats... yep, I quit cold turkey!
- Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard? Yep. He's still pushing apples.
- Do you ever look at the way someone has parked in a disabled spot and think... Yep.
- The trending section on YouTube Yep
- Youtube Rewind 2018 Yep that's it
- Tumblr's administration. Yep. That's it.
- So I guess squidward got the last laugh in the end Yep.
- Im a social drinker Yep, I spend my social security checks on booze.
- Feminist Yep, that's the punch line.
- Somebody told me about a revolutionary new music meme. I said "Yep, what a concept."
- What did the blind 'yes man' say to the astronomer? Yep, that's a black hole
- I know a guy with the same name as me. Yep, good ol' John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
- My financial situation. Yep.
- 17 guys walked into a bar... yep.. all 17 of them.
Heartwarming Yep Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about yep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean yup jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make yep pranks.
Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL c**...! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!
Yep, child labour.
A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...
Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"
Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"
Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"
Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"
A state surveyor visits a Maine farm.
He tells the old farmer that it's been discovered that his farm may actually be in New Hampshire, and not Maine. After several days of surveying, checking and rechecking, the surveyor tells the old farmer "Yep, I was right, your farm is in New Hampshire, not Maine."
"Good thing," says the old farmer, "Couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.
Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.
And did he make me too? she asks next.
Of course he did, the old man answers again.
Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on s**...?
Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two p**... are driving in a car
The driver: Stick your head out the window and see if my directional is working. Is it on?"
The passenger:" Uh yep. nope. yep. nope. yep. nope"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A story about a r**... and a Game Warden.
A r**... with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the r**.... "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The r**... said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The r**... released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the r**....
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the r**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
f**... director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?
Schroedinger: Yep.
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...
finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".
"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"
The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"
Dumping garbage
The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'"
Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter...
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three old men
Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."
Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)
Patient: doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far
Doctor: really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?
Patient: well that's the sun
Doctor: yep! so how much further do you want to see
Cowboy walks into a bar.
A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".
What do you call a pile of cats?
A MEOWTAIN.
Told this one at work after two weeks straight of 12+ hours days and laughed so hard I got sent home for the rest of the day to get sleep. To this day, every time I tell it I start giggling uncontrollably... Yep.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older woman's husband dies during a b**... session.
She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the h**...'s Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my n**...".
A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead
The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, "yep, he is dead, that will $535." The man was outraged and asked "Why it is so much?", the vetanarian replied, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."
A man goes to the doctir to have a bump checked
The doctor takes a quick look and goes "Yep, that's definitely a sting from the new poisonous bees. 8 out of 9 cases are fatal, but you're very lucky, because in your case it's bee nine."
So theres a rich arabian prince driving through a foreign country and he's passing through some farmland and sees a farmer leaning on a post so he decides to stop and have a chat.
Is this your land? He asks the farmer. Yep, from that post down to the river. Responds the farmer. The prince smiles and says, on my land i can get in my car and drive the whole day and not see the other side! And the farmer says:
Yeah i had a car like that once.
Every joke needs one
A priest and a rabbi walk into a wedding party looking for something to drink. The priest approaches some folks standing with empty glasses and asks a man "Pardon me, is this line for the punch?" To which the man replied "yep, this is the punch line."
I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.
"Ow!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"
"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."
"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.
"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery." And then she went into labor.
Pope Benedict and Pope Francis are about to watch the World Cup Final...
Francis says, "sorry, but I spoke to Jesus last night and he said he'd do all he can to help Argentina win." Benedict says, "that's too bad, I spoke to Satan and he said he'd do everything he can to help Germany win." The game starts, and Francis says, "is that referee Italian?" Benedict says, "Yep. Hail Satan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kermit the Frog has a bit of European ancestry.
Yep, he's a tad Pole.
A guy walks into a bar
... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."
I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."
A hot woman goes up to a guy at the bar and asks "Are you the manager?"
He smiles and says "yep"
She puts her arm around him and says "so it's your job to take care of this place"
"uh huh"
She sticks her fingers in his mouth and whispers in his hear "can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He emphatically nods whiles mumbling "yes"
"There's no toilet paper in the ladies room"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."
Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.
Shazza walks into the kitchen and finds Bruce with a fly swatter.
"Waddaya doin?" She asked.
"Huntin Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Kill any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 blokes, 2 sheilas," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How'd ya know that?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Wife and I were watching a re-run of ALF.
There's a kid in the oncology ward and a couple of people talking in the hallway outside his room. One says to the other "What do you tell a kid who won't live until Christmas?"
My wife says "Shop early!"
Yep, that's why I married her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... from Alabama are sitting, drinking. . .
When one turns to the other & declares "I'm finally dating a geeeenuuuuine m**...!"
The other looks up & says: "Really, Jim Bob?"
"Yep!" Jim Bob replies. "She's fifteen but she only got 3 kids."
A man walks into a bookstore and asks the young assistant,
"Do you have the book on constipation?"
She replies, "It's not out yet"
"Yep, that's the one"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two dogs are sitting in a field.
First dog turns to the second dog and says d**... man you smell like s**...! Have you been rolling in s**...?
Yep.
Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?
Nope.
Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?
Nope.
Is it some weird f**... that gets you off?
Nope.
Then why would you roll in such pungent p**...!?
So I can sit in peace and not be bothered. Figures it wouldn't work on a German Shepherd
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my b**... fell asleep the other says
yep i heard it snore a couple of times.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"
John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself."
One evening my car broke down. A drunk stumbled over to me and asked me what was wrong. "Piston broke" I said.
"Yep, me too!" he responded.
Mississippi's Education/Testing scores are the worst in the nation...
yep, we're ranked 53rd.
Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?
Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Old Men
Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just s**...t my pants."
A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.
He said, Yep, they're 79 cents each or two for a dollar. She said, Okay, give me two, I'll eat one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two p**...?
Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)
You can tell a lot about a person by their house
Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dating Developers
D1: Hey did you tried that dating website I suggested?
D2: Yep, It s**....
D1: Why you didn't get any interesting matches.
D2: No, I got many matches, but the website was developed in php.
Me: Hey babe, are you a federal student loan?
Me: hey babe, are you a federal student loan? Because it looks like you have low interest
My date: Yep.
Me: oh
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An immigration officer asks a drunk man if he's hungarian
he says "yep, but my name's not a**..."
Couldn't sleep
So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.
Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?
Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.
(Stolen but golden) Stevie Wonder is in the recording studio at the end of a long hard day.
He's chewing the fat with a few of the technicians.
One of them asks:
It must be hard being blind Stevie.
To which Stevie replies:
Yep, it's hard but at least I'm not black.
Did you know you can get nitroglycerine pills to cure sickness?
Yep, just pop one and you'll never be sick again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is that dog p**...?
A guy is walking down the street and sees a brown lump ahead. "Is that dog p**...?" He thinks to himself.
He approaches it to examine if it is dog p**.... "Well it looks like dog p**...." He bends down and sniffs it. "Smells like dog p**...." He grazes the substance with his finger. "Feels like dog p**...." His finger scoops up a part of the p**..., and he licks it. "Tastes like dog p**....... Yep, this is dog p**... alright."
"Well, good thing I didn't step in it."
Angle: so what your saying is you want me to put hair on the outside, and milk on the inside?
God: yep
Angel: ...OH! Well if you wanted me to make another mammal then why didn-
God: Nope
Angel: Wait what?
God: were making coconuts.
I start to reminisce about the music that I listened to as a kid
"Yep. Still as bad as I remember it."
Smoking the good stuff
me: "Dude, NASA faked the moon landing!"
friend: "Wait, u mean-----"
me: "Yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere!"
Might be their last one...
At school one day the teacher said to one of her students "So Johnny, I hear your mom is pregnant."
"Yep," said Johnny, "And I know what they are going to name it."
"Really," said the teacher, "what are they going to name it?"
"Well," he said, "If it's a girl, they are going to name it Charlene, and if it's a boy like me they are going to call it Quits."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a lazy overeater and a flirtatious emo?
One is Sloth the Gluttonous the other is Goth the Sluttiness.
Yep made that up on the way home today... Sorry.
A police man stopped a man with a laser pointer.
Policeman: Sir, what's the power on that laser you have there?
Man: 75.
Policeman: 75 what?
Man: Yep.
A boy was walking his dog down the street, when one of the neighbors said: Aww! He's so cute! What's his name?
"James." he said
"Yep, that's my name!" said the boy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know those round bales of hay you still see in fields were outlawed?
Yep. The cows weren't getting a square meal.
**Great road trip joke—never gets old* ^(to ^me)
What did the ghost mother say to her ghost son?
Don't spook until you are spooken to.
Yep, 5yr old sibling dropped this on me as I was cooking...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl goes the doctor's office.
She says, Doc, I need some contradiction.
He says, You're ignorant.
She says, Yep. Three months.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Klu Klux k**... members are loved in the wizarding world?
Because everybody hates black magic practitioners.
(Yep I saw the joke and modified it for a darker turn.)
"Today on the programme we're going to be preparing Goose..."
--"Goose, are you prepared?"
-- "Yep."
--"There you go everyone, bon appetit!"
Father and son are having discussion who is smarter
"Dad, do you know who invented AC motor?"
"Of course I know! Nikola Tesla"
"Yep Dad, Nikola Tesla, not his father."
Magic used to say Byrd could play like he had 3 legs.
Yep. Something Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul and Wilt know a lot about.
Did you hear the latest United Airlines joke? Passengers thought it was hilarious.
Had em rolling in the aisles
Yep, still milking it....
Did you know that half of all Harleys ever made are still on the road?
Yep, they never made it home.