yep Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious yep puns

Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.

Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: or a female partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: And that means you're bi.

Me: Yep

Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Did you just...

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Voldemort:so I just have to lie?

Pinocchio: yep.

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A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

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Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"

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"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

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A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich Β£5

Ham Sandwich Β£5

Handjob Β£5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the Β£5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

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Living with a small penis

Me to Librarian - Have you got a copy of the new title, Living with a small penis?

Librarian – I don't think it's in yet.

Me to Librarian - Yep that's the one.

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[NSFW] Johnny is in sex-ed class...

...and the teacher draws a diagram of a penis on the board. She turns and asks the class,
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Johnny's hand shoots up and he says, "Yeah, I know! My dad has two of them!"
The teacher gives Johnny a quizzical look and asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yep," Johnny says with confidence. "He uses the little one to pee, and he uses the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth!"

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A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...

Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"

Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"

Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"

Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get onto the elevator...

...in their apartment building. The brunette notices a stain on the wall, and comments, "That looks like dried cum!"

The redhead leans over and sniffs it. "Yep, it smells like dried cum, too."

The blonde leans in, licks the stain, and exclaims, "Well, it's not from anybody in this building!"

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I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.

Yep, home schooling has its perks.

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Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.

The seller responded, "One dollar."

"Wow, only one dollar?"

"Yep, one dollar."

Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.

"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.

"So the volume is always turned up?"

"Yep."

"And it's only a dollar?"

"Yes, one dollar."

"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"

"Yep."

"Wow! Can't turn that down."

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A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.

The sheepdog says: "I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!"

"You sure you got them all?" The farmer replies.

"Yep! All 40 of them!" Says the sheepdog.

"40? But I only have 37 sheep." Replies the farmer.

The sheepdog answers: "I know. I rounded them up for you."

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Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.

Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two a$$ holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.'

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The 100 mile per-hour goat

Two rednecks are walking through the woods in West Virginia when they come upon a large hole in the ground. They are examining the hole when one turns to the other and says "Maaaaan... that sure looks like one DEEP hole. How far down do you think it goes?" The other replies "I can't really tell, but yep... it sure looks deep. Let's find something to throw down there and see if we can hear it hit the bottom."
The two walk off a little ways and find an old rusted truck engine in the weeds. They work together to pick it up and drag it to the edge of the hole. Then, with a big heave, they push it over the side to watch it drop.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a goat running head-long at the hole at what seems to be 100 miles per-hour. The goat gets to the edge of hole and without hesitation plunges head first into the abyss.
The rednecks are standing there startled and confused when an old farmer approaches. "Hey - either of you fellers seen a goat around here? I can't find him..." The rednecks tell the old farmer about what they saw and the farmer stands there scratching his head.
"Well that's just impossible!" says the farmer. "I had the damn thing tied to an old engine!"

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Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."

So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.

So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.

"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:)

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A story about a Redneck and a Game Warden.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

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Bisexual Son

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.

Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.

Me: Yep.

Dad: Or a female partner.

Me: Yep.

Dad: And that means you're bi.

Me: Yep.

Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

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Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!

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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!"

"Yep, I definitely recommend it."

And they go about the rest of the day.

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk.

"Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says.

"Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming.

He grins back. "Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

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Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He's a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

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A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce

at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.

"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"

"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.

"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."

The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

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Devil in the church

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Family surroundings.

A social worker from Boston recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia . She was on a tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door, "this is the outhouse!"

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a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...

finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

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COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."


Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather........"

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie..... "

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Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency.

Yep. I do that.

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"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"

The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."

"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"

"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"

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Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't give it up for the world! How bout you? You end up finishing your degree?"

Tom - "Yep, Software Engineering. I make a pretty comfortable living and it's rewarding work. I can't believe it, it's been so long. It was great catching up with you."

Jerry - "It was, it was. Just one last question."

Tom - "Shoot."

Jerry - "Would you like fries or onion rings with your burger?"

Tom - "Fries."

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Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

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NSFW - Young man goes into a bar after a bad day

A young man goes into a bar and orders six shots of the cheapest vodka. The bartender pours them up and watches as he downs them all. He says, "It looks like you've had a tough day."

"Yep," the young man replies, "I found out my big brother Frank is a homosexual."

"Oh, I see." The bartender leaves him to stew over his troubles.

The next day, the young man comes in again and places the same order.

The bartender asks, "Still worried about your big brother Frank?"

"Well, yes, but today I found out my big brother Bill is also queer."

The next day the young man comes in again and places the same order and the bartender says, "Surely you don't have another brother you found out is a queer."

"Oh no," the young man replies, "today I found out my dad is gay, too."

"Well, it sounds like you've had a rough week. You better be careful though, all that cheap vodka will cause your ass to burn."

"Is that right? And here I was convinced it was the sex."

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Dumping garbage

The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'"

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(Apples ) oldie but goodie!

Jim was driving through the country when he saw a sign reading, "Apples $5 each."
"That's a lot of money for one apple!" he thought, so he stopped to see what's up.
Jim asked the farmer, "Why are your apples so expensive?"
The farmer replied, "Because they are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
Jim took a bite and said, "Yep, that tastes like peanut butter, all right. But I can't taste any jelly."
The farmer said, "Turn it around."
Jim did, gave it a chomp and, sure enough, jelly! "These are great; give me a dozen!"
The farmer said, "If you like those, how about a ham and cheese apple? Here, try this," handing Jim an apple from behind the counter.
Jim bit into it, and said, "Son of a gun. Ham!" He turned it around and took another bite. "Yep. Cheese. You better give me a dozen of these, too."
As the farmer gave him the bag of apples, he said, "You know, I've got some really special apples under the counter, but they're fifty bucks a piece."
"Fifty bucks?!" exclaimed Jim. "What are they?"
"These are pussy apples," said the farmer. "Here. Try one."
Jim took a bite and spat it out, saying, "Ugh! This apple tastes like shit!"
The farmer said, "Turn it around!"

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What are the most funny Yep jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Yep? Well, here are the best Yep dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Yep pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes