Heartwarming Yep Jokes that Make You Laugh
Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
Voldemort:so I just have to lie?
Pinocchio: yep.
A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"
Husband takes his wife to a disco.
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"
Marital Argument
A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."
"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.
"What?! Really?!", I said.
"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."
It's disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL c**...! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!
Yep, child labour.
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
Friend: Wow really?!
Me: Yep. It can write other words, too.
A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...
Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"
Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"
Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"
Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"
A state surveyor visits a Maine farm.
He tells the old farmer that it's been discovered that his farm may actually be in New Hampshire, and not Maine. After several days of surveying, checking and rechecking, the surveyor tells the old farmer "Yep, I was right, your farm is in New Hampshire, not Maine."
"Good thing," says the old farmer, "Couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."
You can explore yep skeptically reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean yep uhm dad jokes. There are also yep puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.
Yep! He certainly did, the old man answers.
And did he make me too? she asks next.
Of course he did, the old man answers again.
Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.
I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.
Yep, home schooling has its perks.
A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on s**...?
Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back
I finally stopped eating deli meats...
yep, I quit cold turkey!
Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale
"How much is this TV?" the man said.
The seller responded, "One dollar."
"Wow, only one dollar?"
"Yep, one dollar."
Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.
"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.
"So the volume is always turned up?"
"Yep."
"And it's only a dollar?"
"Yes, one dollar."
"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"
"Yep."
"Wow! Can't turn that down."
Two p**... are driving in a car
The driver: Stick your head out the window and see if my directional is working. Is it on?"
The passenger:" Uh yep. nope. yep. nope. yep. nope"
My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII.
Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: "I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!"
"You sure you got them all?" The farmer replies.
"Yep! All 40 of them!" Says the sheepdog.
"40? But I only have 37 sheep." Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: "I know. I rounded them up for you."
A story about a r**... and a Game Warden.
A r**... with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the r**.... "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The r**... said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The r**... released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the r**....
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the r**....
f**... director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?
Schroedinger: Yep.
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Bisexual Son
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: Or a female partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep.
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
My dad's a magician
Bob: What does your father do for a living?
Joe: He's a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...
finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".
Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency.
Yep. I do that.
"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"
The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"
Dumping garbage
The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'"
A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV
Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"
C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"
S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"
C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?
S: "Yep"
C: "Wow. Can't turn that down"
A husband and wife been arguing all day:
They pass a herd of jackasses. He says: Relatives of yours?
She says: Yep, in-laws
Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter...
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Three old men
Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."
Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)
Patient: doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far
Doctor: really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?
Patient: well that's the sun
Doctor: yep! so how much further do you want to see
Cowboy walks into a bar.
A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".
What do you call a pile of cats?
A MEOWTAIN.
Told this one at work after two weeks straight of 12+ hours days and laughed so hard I got sent home for the rest of the day to get sleep. To this day, every time I tell it I start giggling uncontrollably... Yep.
An older woman's husband dies during a b**... session.
She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the h**...'s Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my n**...".
A woman walks into the kitchen...
And sees her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"Killing flies?" She asked.
"Yep, two males and three females," he responded.
"How can you tell?"
"Easy, the boys were on the beer and the girls were on the phone!"
How many dads does it take to change a bulb?
One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator
He says to the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
Bartender says, "Yep, sure do!"
The guy says, "Great! I'll have a scotch neat, and my alligator will have a lawyer."
A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead
The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, "yep, he is dead, that will $535." The man was outraged and asked "Why it is so much?", the vetanarian replied, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."
Kid comes home with an A in Maths...
"Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine."
How to Tell the s**... of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Can we have a moment of silence for the late Bob Saget
............ yep, that's what his audience sounded like.
A man goes to the doctir to have a bump checked
The doctor takes a quick look and goes "Yep, that's definitely a sting from the new poisonous bees. 8 out of 9 cases are fatal, but you're very lucky, because in your case it's bee nine."
So theres a rich arabian prince driving through a foreign country and he's passing through some farmland and sees a farmer leaning on a post so he decides to stop and have a chat.
Is this your land? He asks the farmer. Yep, from that post down to the river. Responds the farmer. The prince smiles and says, on my land i can get in my car and drive the whole day and not see the other side! And the farmer says:
Yeah i had a car like that once.
Every joke needs one
A priest and a rabbi walk into a wedding party looking for something to drink. The priest approaches some folks standing with empty glasses and asks a man "Pardon me, is this line for the punch?" To which the man replied "yep, this is the punch line."
I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.
"Ow!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"
"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."
"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.
"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery." And then she went into labor.
A young man, walking down the street, passes a woman sitting next to a TV with a For Sale sign on it.
Him: Hi, how much for the TV?
Her: One dollar
Him: Only one? Wow that's a bargain!
Her: Yeah, it's cheap because the volume is stuck on maximum
Him: Ah, Ok. So the TV is one dollar because the volume is always right up?
Her: Yep. Do you want it?
Him: Well I guess I can't turn that down!
Coining Money.
George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money.
Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that?
Yoda: Yep
Pope Benedict and Pope Francis are about to watch the World Cup Final...
Francis says, "sorry, but I spoke to Jesus last night and he said he'd do all he can to help Argentina win." Benedict says, "that's too bad, I spoke to Satan and he said he'd do everything he can to help Germany win." The game starts, and Francis says, "is that referee Italian?" Benedict says, "Yep. Hail Satan."
"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"
I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."
A Russian boy walks up to his grandfather...
"Grandpa, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster at the Chernobyl Power Plant?" he says. "Yes, there was." replied the Grandfather, patting the boy's head.
The boy then says "And is it true that there were absolutely no consequences of it whatsoever?". The Grandpa says "Yep. None at all." and pats the boy's second head
Kermit the Frog has a bit of European ancestry.
Yep, he's a tad Pole.
I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.
She replied Yep, all the rest were sevens and eights .
Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard?
Yep. He's still pushing apples.
A guy walks into a bar
... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."
Wife: Our Disney certified stroller fits through all openings
Dad: Yep, it's Universal
This interaction occurred as we left our Disney hotel room heading to the bus to EPCOT.
In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."
I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."
A hot woman goes up to a guy at the bar and asks "Are you the manager?"
He smiles and says "yep"
She puts her arm around him and says "so it's your job to take care of this place"
"uh huh"
She sticks her fingers in his mouth and whispers in his hear "can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He emphatically nods whiles mumbling "yes"
"There's no toilet paper in the ladies room"
There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS..
Yep, they're going to be called "FedUp"
This guy was selling a TV for a dollar.
I walked up to him and said, Wow! You're selling that thing for just a dollar?! He replied, Yep. But why? The thing is, the volume is cranked all the way up, and there's no way to make it quieter. That's the only problem with the TV? Yep. And you're selling it for 1 dollar? That is correct. Boy, can't turn that down!
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."
Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.
Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.
Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!
Shazza walks into the kitchen and finds Bruce with a fly swatter.
"Waddaya doin?" She asked.
"Huntin Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Kill any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 blokes, 2 sheilas," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How'd ya know that?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Wife and I were watching a re-run of ALF.
There's a kid in the oncology ward and a couple of people talking in the hallway outside his room. One says to the other "What do you tell a kid who won't live until Christmas?"
My wife says "Shop early!"
Yep, that's why I married her.
George Washington: "We should put 'We trust in God' on our money"
John Adams: "Brilliant idea! Did you get that?"
Yoda: *taking note* "Yep"
Two r**... from Alabama are sitting, drinking. . .
When one turns to the other & declares "I'm finally dating a geeeenuuuuine m**...!"
The other looks up & says: "Really, Jim Bob?"
"Yep!" Jim Bob replies. "She's fifteen but she only got 3 kids."
Did you hear about...
Did you hear about that guy they arrested at the park for measuring squirrels?
Yep, they got him for critter-sizing.
A man walks into a bookstore and asks the young assistant,
"Do you have the book on constipation?"
She replies, "It's not out yet"
"Yep, that's the one"
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding…
...and the cop says, "license and registration, please."
The blonde replies, "I have my registration, but I don't have my license."
The cop then asks, "how can you prove who you are?"
So the blonde pulls out a mirror, looks at her reflection, and says, "yep, that's me."
She hands the mirror to the cop, and the cop says, "I didn't know you were a cop!"
Two dogs are sitting in a field.
First dog turns to the second dog and says d**... man you smell like s**...! Have you been rolling in s**...?
Yep.
Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?
Nope.
Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?
Nope.
Is it some weird f**... that gets you off?
Nope.
Then why would you roll in such pungent p**...!?
So I can sit in peace and not be bothered. Figures it wouldn't work on a German Shepherd
