Yelled Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

I was walking around town the other day...

I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"

Anyways, they arrested me.

Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

I was so startled, I almost fell in.

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

A man walks into a bar with a gun..

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.


A voice from the back of the room called out, You need more ammo!

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...

A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this one guy.

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool

Scared me so much I almost fell in.

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day...

.. and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"


Both of them ran away.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

I am 38, last night i was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ...

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

A man was out on a fishing trip

When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.

He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"

I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...

"Does anyone know CPR!?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, except for this one guy.

[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when

she fell onto the floor.

She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist......

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.

A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.

"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".

He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.

A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay...

"Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.

"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

A dad sends his son to his room

"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.

"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.

The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion...

I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"

Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

So I saw these two guys walking down the street...

So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them,

"Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"

Yeah they arrested me.

Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're stupid!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're stupid?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

I kidnapped this girl last night...

And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

A man stopped breathing today at a bar...

A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole damm alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...

her class what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

A robber burst into a bank brandishing a gun and yelled at the teller.

"Give me the money! One false move and you're geography!"

The teller said "Don't you mean history?"

The robber screamed "Don't change the subject!"

I got into a car accident with a midget...

He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"

"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

"I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'.

I think she's seeking attention.

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled "Who slept with my wife?"

and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

What's the best place to meet women?

I tried this door marked "Ladies" and they just yelled at me.

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge

The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"

My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?"

What a weird way of starting a conversation!!

A caring son

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "

"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "

"Under the wagon. "

The dog is dead.

My dog wanted to go out and do his business, but I didn't have time to walk him. So I let him out to run around on his own. A few minutes later I heard screeching tires and a thud. I ran to the window and yelled "NO!". A thousand times I had told that dog not to drive my car. I'm going to kill him.

Edit-spelling.

What are the funniest yelled jokes of all time?

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