Amusing & Witty Yelled Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
I got into a car accident with a midget...
He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"
"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"
The wife was screaming at her Husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?
Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.
A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.
I was walking around town the other day...
I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two j**...-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.
I got caught peeing in the pool the other day
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.
A plane was going down....
A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to c**... in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"
So I saw these two guys walking down the street...
So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them,
"Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"
Yeah they arrested me.
I kidnapped this girl last night...
And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a v**...!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.
You can explore yelled exclaim reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean yelled stood dad jokes. There are also yelled puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man stopped breathing today at a bar...
A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole d**... alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...
Hipsters
I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
One man in the crowd then yelled
Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
Getting drunk
at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for o**....
During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body
o**... said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"
My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.
"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."
I saw two blind men fighting
And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"
Then they both ran away
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.
I hate cops.
Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...
a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for o**....
The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.
I was so startled, I almost fell in.
A dad sends his son to his room
"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.
"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.
The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"
A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay...
"Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."
I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa
She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that
Johnny
A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're s**...!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're s**...?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."
I was at a restaurant....
and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this o**....
"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.
"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."
My wife walked in on me m**... to a picture of an optical illusion...
I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"
I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "p**...!"
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool
Scared me so much I almost fell in.
Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
Swimming pool
I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!
I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the high dive!
I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...
"Does anyone know CPR!?"
I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, except for this o**....
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.
I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
An English bloke's gold ran away..
"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.
I saw two blind guys fist fighting,
I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.
A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book s**...! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"
The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand
The man yelled at the top of his lungs
"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"
The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied
"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"
A man was out on a fishing trip
When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.
He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"
My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
My mom opened the door and caught me m**....
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
The other day i saw two blind guys fighting
I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!
They run away from each other
I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable
The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
My wife just yelled...
...from upstairs and asked "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sound concerned, I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How about now?"
I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked...
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned I replied "No..."
She responded "How about now?"
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except o**....
The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :
I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
My wife is madder at me than she has ever been.
She tripped and fell while carrying clothes she just ironed.
I didn't move.
"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me.
"Watching it all unfold," I said.
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.
I told him my door is always open.
A girl was cleaning the toilet with her younger brother.
Then their mom walked in and yelled, "Get his head out of there!"
A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.
"Pullover!" he screamed.
"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.
My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."
She yelled back, "How about now?"
One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"
So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."
Show me where the money is! , yelled the bank robber.
Teller: ........... .
Robber: *waving his gun* Tell me where the money is or I'll shoot!
Teller: ........... .
Penn: He always does this .
A man that can't talk goes to the doctor
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
My wife yelled at me "are you even listening to me"
I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"
So this guy lost his right foot in an accident
Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.
Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.
Horrified, she straight called her mom.
"Mum, you wouldn't believe it. He only got one foot!"
The mum then yelled back at her "g**... child, be grateful! Your dad is only six inches!"
I got caught peeing in a pool today.
The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in!
I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive o**...! Needless to say I stormed off…
But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for o**... acting.
I walked in on my brother m**...
He yelled "Close the d**... door, and stop playing with yourself!"
I went to a psychic…
I knocked on her front door
She yelled who is it?
So I left
My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a go vegan shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.
I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.
I had a dream the other night
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Grandma saw on TV news that a car is driving against the traffic on the highway.
Remembering that grandpa is coming back home from the city on the same highway, she called him to warn him.
"Honey be careful driving, apparently there is a person driving in the wrong direction on the road."
"What do you mean a person?" Grandpa yelled, "Everyone is driving insanely today!"
When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked What's your excuse this time? He shrugged and said I overslept. d**... it she yelled, at least tell me something I haven't heard before!
He replied, You're looking lovely today
A mama pickle was walking past her son's room when she heard some thumping coming from inside.
She banged on the door and yelled Quit gherkin off in there!
I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...
"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"
