Years Jokes

What are some Years jokes?

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don't have 2020 vision

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

Boy: What's a palindrome?


Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid.

The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

I bought a theremin

But I haven't touched it in years.

I'm sorry to anyone who gets it.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

What's the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

How to make Years jokes?

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