You see, it used to get cold outside
I don't have 2020 vision
I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I've had a Canon printer for years.
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.
Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.
I was a complete mess.
I was broke and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.
They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.
And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?
I had no idea he was a barber.
Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
I now live in constant fear
Husband: Darling, I'm home and I brought you some aspirins.
Wife: But I don't have a headache.
Husband: Then let's fuck.
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Years? Well, here are the best Years dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Years pick up lines to share with friends.