Years Jokes

Make this New Year's Eve extra special with some corny and stupid New Years jokes from the last decade! From the golden years to the recent past, we have a collection of hilarious jokes to celebrate and start off the new year with a laugh.

Silly & Ridiculous Years Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

jokes about years

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

Boy: What's a palindrome?


Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Years joke, Boy: What's a palindrome?

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

You can explore years yrs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean years month dad jokes. There are also years puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

Years joke, Virginity is like a car

Not everything Donald Trump says is s**....

The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don't have 2020 vision

I bought a theremin

But I haven't touched it in years.

I'm sorry to anyone who gets it.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....

Turns out her sister had it all along...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050

​

​

Years joke, In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things coul

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.

Now they're spreading like wildfire.

Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.

"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

I encountered a m**... at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

opens her door

turn on the light

and she yells towards upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake?

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?

Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!

The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."

This subreddit is 10 years old now.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:

Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.

I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?

Valentine's....

For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this!

I broke up with a guy years ago due to his obsession with counting...

.... I wonder what he's up to these days.

Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!

Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.

Guys, abortion may be i**... soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she's an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3.

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

A lawyer goes to heaven

St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"

St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."

The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"

St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

The fortune teller told me I'd lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 years old and you're the principal!"

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

A Taxing Situation

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

*As published in "Reader's Digest" 78 years ago.*

Auto

John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Dave: "Really? What did he get?"
John: "Fifteen years."

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

My house mates are convinced that our house is haunted...

I've been here 235 years and haven't noticed a thing!

What do u call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the years golden years puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working years new years piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes