Years Jokes

166 years jokes and hilarious years puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about years that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make this New Year's Eve extra special with some corny and stupid New Years jokes from the last decade! From the golden years to the recent past, we have a collection of hilarious jokes to celebrate and start off the new year with a laugh.

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Funniest Years Short Jokes

Short years jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The years humour may include short months jokes also.

  1. Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in tree? Because they're so good at it!
    Please don't ban me
  2. My housemates are convinced our house is haunted I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
  3. I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
  4. Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
  5. Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
  6. If this year has taught us anything, it's that donald trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
  7. I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
    That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
  8. The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
    Happy Mothers' Day!
  9. My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
  10. I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
    Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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Years One Liners

Which years one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with years? I can suggest the ones about weeks and ages.

  1. I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years I don't have 2020 vision
  2. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
  3. We cannot allow this year to end That would be admitting that 2021
  4. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
  5. Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
  6. Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years Lose an election.
  7. I bought a theremin But I haven't touched it in years.
    I'm sorry to anyone who gets it.
  8. This subreddit is 10 years old now. I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
  9. Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
  10. Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!! And it only took me 14 years
  11. Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
  12. I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear
  13. 2020 has been brutal this year Now it's just Ruthless
  14. What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
  15. I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

New Years Resolution Jokes

Here is a list of funny new years resolution jokes and even better new years resolution puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either.
  • I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018 It's my new year's resolution.
  • I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions
    * Be accepting of paradoxes
    * Use the binary number system more often
  • I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
    I'm calling it, "Resolutions."
  • The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
  • My new year's resolution is I'm going to be less condescending. And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.
  • I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what. It's my new year resolution.
  • Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.
    Happy new year!
  • My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go
  • Im so poor... That my new years resolution is 144p

News Years Jokes

Here is a list of funny news years jokes and even better news years puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
  • Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
  • The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year. In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
  • The fortune teller told me I'd lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years. To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.
  • The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  • A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck. The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.
  • I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year... I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
  • When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen More at 11
  • I went to my doctor last year. They said they had good news and bad news.
    The good news is I had a year to live.
    The bad news was it was 2020.
  • My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren't going to have kids. We're still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them
Years joke, My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren't going to have kids.

Hundred Years Jokes

Here is a list of funny hundred years jokes and even better hundred years puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
    use twice a year
  • Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... that's just being hippocritical...
  • What's the difference between religion and mythology? A few hundred years.
  • Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school... ...never to be heard from again.
  • Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men. There is a three year waiting list.
  • What's the difference between America and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for a couple hundred years, it develops a culture.
  • How many 12 year old girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 11; 1 to actually put the lightbulb in, and the other 10 to take hundreds of pictures and upload them to Facebook.
  • A few hundred years ago, Mozart was composing beautiful music But for a while now, hes only been de-composing.
  • A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia's only export. And import.
  • If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again G'day mate

New Years Eve Jokes

Here is a list of funny new years eve jokes and even better new years eve puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
  • Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
  • What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve? You wipe it off and apologize.
  • What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night!
  • If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
  • Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31. Unlike me, it had a date on New Year's Eve.
  • LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.
  • My buddy asked my girlfriend and I if we had any plans for New Years Eve.. I told him we were going to get new glasses.
    And then what ? he asked.
    Then we'll see
  • I'm so broke This New Years Eve I'm gonna party like its $19.99
  • Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

New Years Jokes

Here is a list of funny new years jokes and even better new years puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
  • This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is... to be able to post this in a different sub.
  • My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
  • My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car. If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.
  • Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
  • Knock Knock Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Mary who?
    Mary Christmas!
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Anna who?
    Anna happy new year!
    Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
  • Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and Valentines Day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
  • As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
  • I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away. He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.
  • The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today. Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.
Years joke, The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Silly & Ridiculous Years Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

What funny jokes about years you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lifetime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make years pranks.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had s**... with someone before her.

I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Not everything Donald Trump says is s**....

The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

What's the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Mom got a s**... change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Happy Mother's Day!

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

I broke up with my girlfriend after 5 years, after I found she was a communist.

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.

Now they're spreading like wildfire.

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

I encountered a m**... at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."
"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"
"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."

My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:

Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?


For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this!

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I broke up with a guy years ago due to his obsession with counting...

.... I wonder what he's up to these days.

Broke up with an ex years ago because she had a weird obsession with counting…

I wonder what she's up to nowadays

Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.

Guys, abortion may be i**... soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she's an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

Years joke, The whole family are having breakfast together when…

jokes about years