You see, it used to get cold outside
I don't have 2020 vision
I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I've had a Canon printer for years.
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
But I haven't touched it in years.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets it.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Turns out her sister had it all along...
Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
I now live in constant fear
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.
I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.
Because they spend years at C.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
5x0=0
But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
I lost interest in that relationship
A fart.
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
She said no both times.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
Fred and George Weasley.
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