Yearold Jokes

What are some Yearold jokes?

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'd just Let It Go.

As told to me by my 5 year-old daughter

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

Finally, I am no longer a 21 year-old virgin

As of today I am a 22 year-old one!

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping.

He can do it with his eyes *open*.

It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.

A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.

"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.

"No, dad."

"Will you use any drugs?"

"No, dad"

"Will you have sex?"

"No, dad"

"Then why would you even go?"

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"


*The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.


*"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."


*"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle
and went 'bang, bang'."


*"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


*The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


*The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

The boy and the clown

A clown and an 8 year-old boy are walking through a cemetery late at night when the boy becomes frightened and starts crying.
"I don't understand what you're scared and crying about" says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk back alone..."

Getting beat

(AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive]

A sandy hook survivor.

A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

Trophy Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Man walks into a pharmacy . . .

. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is sexually active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."

Morris went to doctor for a physical

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

My autistic 7 year-old battling cancer told me this joke while adopting a shelter puppy

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"?

You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

Problems Of Old Men

Β Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, 'The best
Β thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.
Β I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.
Β I have to go over and over again.'Β 
Β The 85 year-old said, 'The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have
Β one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on
Β and it's still a problem.'Β 

Β Then the 90 year-old said, 'That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am
Β sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowelΒ 
Β movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up
Β before 7:00 am.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still awake?'

G/F Joke

Guy comes home, only to find everything he owns tossed out into the yard. He storms in and asks his girlfriend "Why is all my stuff outside" She says "I kicked you out". "Why ?", he asks. "Because I found out that you are a pedophile". "Pedophile ?? That's an awful big word for a ten year-old"...

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."

"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."

"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.

The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" he asked.

"Where did what go?"

Tata daddy

One day a father was walking by his sons room and heard him praying. "God bless mommy and daddy and grandma, tata grandpa" he said. The dad was confused but happy to know that his 6 year,old was praying. The next morning he found grandpa dead of a heart attack. That night he listend to his son again. "God bless mommy and daddy tata grandma." As he suspected he found grandma dead of a heart attack. Then that night he listened to his son again."God bless mommy tata daddy" as you can imagine he was freaking out so he went to the docter and came home and found his wife and she said "Thankgoodness your here we found the mailman dead on our porch this morning!"

My friend told me this gem the other day

A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is sexually active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."

An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?

The man replies, No, she's like her mother. She just lays there.

Why did the unvaccinated one year-old try to buy a Corvette?

Don't we all do that during a midlife crisis?

So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...

"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

To clear your conscience

In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish girl on the run from the Nazis. She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the Nazis until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her to stay in his attic and he would provide food, as long as they could make love at his whim. The girl gladly agreed.

Twenty years later, the war long over, the man decides he wants to clear his conscience from doing what he did. He visits his church and says to the priest, "Father, I once sheltered a Jewish girl from the Nazis."
The priest replies, "That is a wonderful thing to do."
The man says, "You don't understand. I forced her to have sex with me as long as I sheltered her."
The priest replies, "That is ok. She had to pay you back somehow for saving her from the Nazis."
The man nods and then says guiltily, "Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, she noticed the baby skunk was cold and shaking.

"What should I do?" she asked.

"Put the baby skunk between your legs, it's warm there.", I told her.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Oh don't worry, he'll get used to it."

A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...

...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"

"80 years" the man replies.

"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.

"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food, even how she breathes" the man replies. "And she's ugly."

The lawyer looks at the woman, eyebrows raised.

"Yes, " she says, "and I hate him too. I hate his hobbies, his attitudes, the way he treats people, his politics, I cannot stand to be in his presence for more than five minutes. The man is a pig. And he smells."

The lawyer asks "how long have you felt this way?"

"50 years" the mans replies.

"More like 60" says the woman.

"Well then tell me, " asks the lawyer, "why have you waited until now to get a divorce, if you've hated each other for so long."

"We were waiting for the children to die."

Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!

Told by my 7 year-old

They say you're only as old as you feel.

Yet they'll arrest you for trying to feel a 12 year-old.

A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"

The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."

A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,

"You're ninety eight years old, how do you do it?"

The man again replied with, "You just gotta keep that motor turning.".

Two years go by, and the mans with is pregnant a third time. The doctor asks,

"You're one hundred years old, how do you do it?".

The man says, "you just gotta keep that motor turning."

The doctor replied with "you'd better change the oil because this one came out black."

The Old Man and the Beaver (long joke)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.Β 
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up hisΒ walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.Β Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody elseΒ pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"

I came home one day and my girlfriend was packing her bags.

I asked her what was going on, and she says through her tears, "You're a pedophile!"

I responded: "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year-old."

I have the body of a 25 year-old Supermodel

Not sure what to do with it in my basement

What do you call a sextape with a 60 year-old man in it?

Flappy Bird.


^I'll ^excuse ^myself ^now

Chuck Norris and Superman

Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

(Submitted at the request of my 10 year-old son.)

What do interested chemists and 12 year-old hackers have in common?

Inspect element

Tough Kid

An 8 year-old kid is sitting on a swing, eating jelly beans, in a playground in South Philly. This man walks by and says, "Hey kid, you shouldn't eat candy. It's not good for you."

Kid looks up and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 95?"

"Yeah, and? He ate a lot of candy?"

Kid smiles and says, "No. But he knew how to mind his own fuckin' business."

HORRIBLE joke time!!

So I finally gathered up the courage to ask this girl out, but when I did, she turned me down. I asked her, "Hey, why not?". She said, "Well, because I found out you're a pedophile." I was like, "A pedophile? A pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a 10 year-old."

How do you find a virgin in West Virginia?

Find a girl who can still run faster than her 12 year-old brother.

A boy is talking to his 100 year-old grandfather...

The grandfather says, "You know, when I was not so much older than you are now, I lived in Sydney, Australia. In fact, I earned a bit of spare change helping on the construction of the ol' Harbour Bridge."

The boy says, "Wow! That sounds fascinating! Was it exciting?"

The grandfather, shaking his head, says, "It was just riveting work."

How to make Yearold jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Yearold to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Yearold? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Yearold pick up lines to share with friends.

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