Year Resolutions Jokes

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

My New Year's resolution

is 1920 x 1080!

My new years resolutions are:

1: Stop making lists.
B: Be more consistent.
7: Learn to count.

Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution

Bone-less turkey

My New Years Resolution

New Year's resolution- Date more models.
Revised- Date more.
Revised again- Get a date.
Revised one last time- Stop crying while m**....

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

My New Year's resolution is to cut back on my drinking...

One fifth a day, max.

My new years resolution........

Hopefully 4k 55''

For my New Year's Resolution I've decided only to smoke after having s**....

If 2014 is anything to go by, I've quit.

My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes.

He hugged my sister and I :(

Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas!

Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.

My New Year's Resolutions

320 x 320
800 x 600
1440 x 900
1920 x 1080

My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs.

Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?

I made two New Year's resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating

I'll make my second one later

My new year's resolution...

2K, and 16 extra pixels.

[OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution...

Stop being late

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.

It's a decent resolution.

2017 New Years Resolution

First step: write down the resolu

What is every gamers New Years Resolution?

3840x2160

Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.

Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.

New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"
I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more s**...."
"Oh great!" my wife sighed.
"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more w**....

But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution

Nope, I'm still working here

They asked me my New Year's resolution...

I said 1440p.

My New Year's Resolution was to stop m**...

Well I guess there's always next year

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve

Girlfriend: What'cha doin'?
Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop.
Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution?
Boyfriend: 1080p

Making a New Years resolution to not shart myself

I hope I can keep the streak going

My New Year Resolution of 2016

Is to achieve my goals of 2015
Which I had should have done in 2014
And promised in 2013
And planned in 2012
And to remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

What was the overzealous priest's new year's resolution?

To exorcise more.

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution

Whats a low-end PC's New Years Resolution?

800x600

I've been reading so much about alcohol being really bad for you. So I've decided on my New Year's Resolution...

No more reading!

I came up with my New Year's resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won't happen. Something will go wrong, and I'll fail.

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

My New Year's Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can't follow through with.

I guess I already failed.

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.

I always feel bad for Jim this time of year,

People keep making resolutions to hit him consistently

My New Year's resolution is to have Faith and Hope...

It'll be a great t**....

My New Years resolution for 2018 is...

My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don't care what everyone else at the gym says.

My New Year's resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

Roll on 2018

Well, I finally have my resolutions written down for the new year.

Already planned to:
- Exercise at least three times a week
- Eat a healthy, balanced diet
- Get regular healthy sleep
- Spend more time reading, less time playing games
- Less energy drinks, more water
I'm going to turn my life around. This year is going to be great!

My new years resolution is to lose my virginity

I think its time after 85 years

New year's resolution - give up smoking and w**....

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

How to quit smoking

Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That's great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don't seem to work for me.
Me: It's pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after s**.... As you get older, you'll smoke less and less.
Friend: Has it worked for you?
Me: I don't smoke, but my wife has quit smoking ever since we've been married.

A New Years Resolution is..

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym

+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect

My big New Years resolution is to…

…get a 4K TV.

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

My new years's resolution was to lose 10lbs

Only 14 more to go!

A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.

I never knew my real machine. 😢

I've read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently.

That's why I made a new, firm New Year's resolution: NO MORE READING!

It's a little late for a New Year's resolution, But I think it's for the better.

I've decided to go full Vegan. I won't be eating animals anymore. *Just* Vegans.

My 2018 New Year's resolution is to procrastinate this year.

This is my most successful resolution so far.

I'll start watching all my videos at 4k(2160p) from tomorrow.

Its my new year's resolution.

The New Year's Resolution of an ADHD

AD4K

So, my New Year's resolution was to stop wasting all of my money...

Man, it's hard. I'm spent.

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

Next January I will only be watching videos on 1080p

It's my new years resolution