Year Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.


They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!

For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

What's a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath

Mom He asked Are these my brains

Not yet She replied

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had sex all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old.

Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

There's a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted

Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Every year for Valentine's Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven't received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry

He was having a midlife crisis

I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But it takes up too much space in my freezer

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

As I was paying for a 15 year old escort I thought...

...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it's officially '18

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting be positive but it's hard without him.

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

What are the funniest year jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Year? Well, here are the best Year puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Year pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes