Share Hilarious Year Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying?
Midlife crisis
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?
They were having a mid-life crisis.
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?
Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year
Today's going to be great!
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year
You can explore year week reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean year decade dad jokes. There are also year puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"
I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
Which country has the fastest growing capitol?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'
The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "p**...!"
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
What's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had s**... all year.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
An average Englishman has s**... 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has s**... once or twice a year.
This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold
The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two s**... 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have s**... with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
10 years ago today, I married my best friend
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
What's a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....
Turns out her sister had it all along...
A 3 year old boy examined his t**... in bath
Mom He asked Are these my brains
Not yet She replied
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn't realize it would Zoom.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Happy Mother's Day!
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.
Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.
Now they're spreading like wildfire.
2020 has been brutal this year
Now it's just Ruthless
Did you know too much s**... can cause memory loss
I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.
Why do the election results take so long?
It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it!
Please don't ban me
Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."
We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today
This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...
to be able to post this in a different sub.
A joke from my 8 year old......Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10=twenty
11+11=twenty too
I just f**... on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's s**...! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?
Because his snow b**... are too big.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
My 7 year old daughter just told me this one. I'm so proud. What did the duck say when he bought chapstick?
Put it on my bill
Groaned a whole store with this one.
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
Valentine's....
For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's cards from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this!
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car.
If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.
My 7 year old organically made this up!
Super Bowl halftime show, watching with my wife and boys, wife says The halftime show is a bunch of rappers from the 80's and 90's, including Eminem, I really like him.
7 year old: Mn'Ms are good, but I like Skittles better
Wife: Not the candies silly, the rapper!
7 year old: Why would you just eat the wrappers!?
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
My 4-year-old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please
Which I think is poor for four.
My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….
My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.
My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.
Small children and 39 year old's.
My 12 year old just told me a joke
He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today
"It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning.
Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.
Why didn't the ghost like to take showers?
Because it would dampen his spirits.
A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife
Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90!
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"
"Erm, I don't know" I replied
"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"
"Donald Duck" I replied
"No, all ducks you idiot"
My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"
Because he ate too many cowleries.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
My 8 year old daughter told me this joke
After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.
Current Balance: $10.0001
Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died
Husband: Who, Ray?
Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies
(My 7 year old came up with this joke)
What's the opposite of an empath?
A W-path.
*edit* Thanks for the upvotes. My ten year old stepson made this one up, and he's very proud that his joke got so many upvotes.
( This joke was made up by my eight year old son. ) Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers?
They were outnumbered.
This years goal was to lose 15lb
Only 20lb to go...
My five year old's joke: What do you call a sausage in a room with a hungry wolf?
A wolf.
Why can't vampires eat Swiss cheese?
Because it's holey
My 8 year old just told me this one…
After years I finally finished my book on herbology!
It was about thyme!
