Midlife crisis
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).
-
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
They were having a mid-life crisis.
Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
Today's going to be great!
It's my longest running joke of the year.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Until she checked the freezer.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
Mom He asked Are these my brains
Not yet She replied
Turns out her sister had it all along...
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
Until I showed it to her in the freezer.
I can just see it now.
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted
He was having a mid life crisis
So far I've managed to lose £200.
You.
Why I oughta...!
Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds
Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.
When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
First my granny dies, now this?
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
Looks like I'm in store for a wild December
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
She said no both times.
He was having a midlife crisis
But it takes up too much space in my freezer
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.
...i turned 25 yesterday.
Because it's officially '18
You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Happy Thanksgiving!
But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
But he knew it was <3.
As he was dying he kept insisting be positive but it's hard without him.
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Year? Well, here are the best Year puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Year pick up lines to share with friends.