Year Eve Jokes
95 year eve jokes and hilarious year eve puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about year eve that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Year Eve Short Jokes
Short year eve jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The year eve humour may include short christmas eve jokes also.
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
- Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31. Unlike me, it had a date on New Year's Eve.
- LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.
- My buddy asked my girlfriend and I if we had any plans for New Years Eve.. I told him we were going to get new glasses.
And then what ? he asked.
Then we'll see - Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...
- I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year... not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.
- Wow, I haven't showered since last year! Haha good one, but it's only New Year's Eve
I know...
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Year Eve One Liners
Which year eve one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with year eve? I can suggest the ones about new years eve and year end.
- What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night!
- I'm so broke This New Years Eve I'm gonna party like its $19.99
- What did one cow say to another cow at midnight on New Years eve? Moo.
- Roy Moore missed the New Years Eve countdown. He's demanding a recount.
- What do cannibals do on New year's Eve? They have friends for lunch.
- Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve But he forgot to planet
- I don't go out on new years eve Cool guys don't look at explosions
- New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
- I'll be buying me some more condoms after this New Years Eve! My old ones expire.
- What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
- Spending New Year's Eve at home in front of TV is pathetic! So we sit sideways
- It's New Year's Eve. Not New Year's Steve.
- I haven't taken a bath since last year. Make sure to say that before New year's Eve
- Be careful not to drink and drive this New Years Eve... You might spill your drink
- When You Hit Puberty On New Year's Eve... You'll be celebrating 2 "ball drops" tonight.
Year Eve Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about year eve you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean news years jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make year eve pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have s**... with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said,"F*c**... the rabbi."
A little girl asked her mother, "
How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish p**...- An old joke but still good!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a p**......."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a p**... dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
Three nuns die and go to heaven...
...where St. Peter greets them and informs them that in order to get into heaven, they must answer a question apeice. The first nun, who happens to be a novice nun, goes first.
"For you," says Peter, "an easy question, because of your short time as a nun. Who were the first two people?"
"That's easy," replies the nun excitedly. "Adam and Eve."
"Congratulations," says Peter, "You're in." He beckons the second nun forward. The second nun has been with the church for ten years and knows quite a bit about her religion.
"For you," says Peter, "a moderately difficult question. What color was Eve's hair?"
"I've never... I've never actually studied that," replies the nun. "But I'll take a guess. Blonde?"
"Great job," says Peter. "You're in."
He turns to the third nun, who was the head nun of her church. "And for you, a most difficult question indeed. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in Paradise?"
After a moment of thinking, the nun looks stumped. "Gosh, that's a hard one."
"Congratulations, you're in."
Accordion and Tuba Duo
A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.
On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a duo consisting of an accordionist and a tuba player. He has hesitations, but he hires them so he will have live music.
To his surprise, the duo is a huge hit with the crowd. The party was better than he ever imagined.
After the party, he walks up to the band and says "you know, I never thought in a million years that I would be saying this, but you two were great and I would like to line you up now for next year"
The duo replies "Sure, can we leave our stuff?"
I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week.
I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."
I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."
She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."
I came, I pee'd, I conquered
said every new yorker on new year's eve
I got arrested on New Year's Eve.
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I play Santa every Christmas Eve for my family. What one liners/short jokes should Santa tell this year?
Don't worry if you don't have New Year's Eve plans...
At the end of the day it's just another party.
So my friend says: No one celebrates New Year's Eve
"We aren't Chinese." He says.
True story.
I used to go to New Years Eve parties
I still do, but I used to too!
-Mitch Hedberg style-
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the c**... say to the moose nuckle on New Years eve?
Let's get toe up!
Why does Marx support New Years Eve celebrations?
Well, it's got everyone out and about, celebrating another revolution.....
(I'll show myself out)
So I'm quitting cold turkey today...
I just finished the leftovers from New Year's Eve dinner.
Where do humans come from?
A young girl asked her Mom, Where do we humans come from?
Her Mom answered, God made Adam and Eve in his image; they had children and that's who we all descend from.
A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, Many years ago there were apes and monkeys, who began to walk on two legs like cavemen, and then eventually we humans evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, Mom, I don't understand. I asked you and you told me we were created by God, I asked Dad and he told me we evolved from apes and monkeys? Which answer is correct?
Her Mom answered, Well, dear, they both are. I was telling you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.
Heard this at bible camp some years ago
Three nuns are praying to God one day, and God actually answers back. He says "I'm going to ask each of you a question and if you answer correctly you will go to heaven." So he asks the first nun, "who was the first man on earth?" She thinks for a minute and answers, "Adam." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the second nun, "who was the first woman on earth?" She thinks for minute and answers, "Eve." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the third nun, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She thinks and thinks then sighs and says, "ooh, that's a hard one." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven.
Daddy where do people come from?
Young boy is curious and asked his father where people come from
dad says "well son it goes way back to Adam and eve and they were mother and father to everyone"
Young boy still confused asks his mother
"Mommy where do people come from?"
She responds with "well after years of evolution we evolved from monkeys and gorillas"
The young boy even more confused now goes back to his father for and explanation and he replys "well son your mother was talking about her side of the family"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New Year's Eve probably s**... for Lance Armstrong...
He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.
I'm glad Steve Harvey didn't host new years eve.
I don't think I'm ready for it to be 2017 yet.
Santa is stressed...
Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.
But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him.
Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa
"I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to put it?"
And that is how to tradition of the angel at the top of the tree started.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The average person has s**... 90 times a year.
Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
I have to work new years eve.
But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
- Will you celebrate New Year's Eve with your parents again, like a loser?
- Yes, mom...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many of you are drinking r**... this new years eve?
That's the spirit!
A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve
Girlfriend: What'cha doin'?
Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop.
Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution?
Boyfriend: 1080p
New Year's Eve Party
*Two guys watching Mariah Carey's Times Square performance*
Guy 1: "Man, 2016 has been such a mess."
Guy 2: "I know right. This year ended on such a low note I can't even hear it."
Everyone was worried about terrorists on New Years Eve...
Nobody ever anticipated that Mariah Carey would be the one to bomb.
Time zones are crazy
On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Mariah Carey s**... at new years eve performance?
Because she wanted to drop the ball
Why do terrorists like New Year's Eve?
Cause 5,4,3,2,1
EVOLUTION VS. CREATIONISM
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
Remember the old adage about New Year's Eve? If you're not in bed by 10:00pm...
You might as well go home.
It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...
As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the s**... of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you started having s**... at 11:59:59 on New Years Eve....
You would've finished at exactly the start of 2018.
New Years Rockin Eve was kind of meh last year...
I felt like they really dropped the ball.
Did you hear about that one New Year's Eve in Times Square where the ball malfunctioned halfway through?
They really dropped the ball on that one.
Some people say that going to bars on St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve is "amateur hour."
But that's just because they don't have a sponsor yet.
A woman calls her friend from a maternity hospital.
Do you remeber that guy from the New Year's Eve party nine months ago that was dressed as a Chinese?
Yes, why?
He was definitely Chinese...
A little girl asked her mum, How did the human race appear?
Mum answered, God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?
The mother answered, Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!
I've promised the wife we'll see all our sons and daughters this New Years Eve.
I'm going to unplug the wi-fi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At yesterday's New Year's Eve Party I swapped the sugar and the speed bowl.
It was quite a m**....
People always say I'm late and disorganised.
But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!
This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.
They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I'm in the bar next door to that place having a beer."
A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.
A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Today I found out that bill nye is just a stage name.
His real name is William New Year's Eve.
Kids
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the cookie fell on the floor?
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six - one to try and reach the socket, and the other five to stand around saying that its too high for her.
New Year's Eve
It's not even midnight and my Welsh friend just messaged me "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda".
He must be smashed already.