yeah Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious yeah puns

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"

The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"

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Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Me: I don't know; how many?

Son: Ten tickles.

Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.

Son: Huh?

Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?

Son: No; how?

Me: Test tickles.

Son: ...

Son: ...that's inappropriate.

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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

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A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

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My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

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I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

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A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

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A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

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Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

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I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

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"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

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Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

What did the ant say to the other ant?
I dunno, what?
Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.
Yeah, that's not really a joke kid.
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. It's an ant-y joke, asshole.

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

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My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

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A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

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My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

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"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

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are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

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Geologist have jokes too...

Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these Dan?"

Geologist: "They're sex stones."

Steve: "What? Really?"

Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."

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Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

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This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

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Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

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Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

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Someone said my clothes were gay

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

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I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

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What are the most funny Yeah jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Yeah? Well, here are the best Yeah dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Yeah pick up lines to share with friends.

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