yeah Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious yeah stories

What are the best Yeah puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Yeah? Well here is a complete list of Yeah to have fun with:

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

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Geologist have jokes too...

Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these Dan?"

Geologist: "They're sex stones."

Steve: "What? Really?"

Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."

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Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

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I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

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A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

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My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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A father and son are having the talk about sex

After a few minutes, the son says, "Dad, I know all that stuff. We went over it in Health class."

Dad says, "Well, do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, I have one about condoms."

"What do you need to know?"

"When I was in the drugstore, I saw that they sell them by the dozen. Who needs that many at once?"

"That's an easy one, son. You saw that they sell packages of three. High schoolers buy those. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for the rest of the week. They also sell packages of six. College students buy those. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for the rest of the week."

"OK dad, but what about the dozen?"

"Married people buy those. One for January, one for February..."

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The librarian NSFW

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"Β 

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."


"Yeah that's the one"

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The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, SeΓ±ora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"

Juanita: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Juanita: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?"

Juanita: "Your husband did."

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Juanita: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are."

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Juanita: "No SeΓ±ora.......the gardener did."

Wife: "Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?"

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My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

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Hey, are you -273.15Β°C?

Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

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An ancient Greek walks into a tailors with a torn pair of pants:

"Euripides?" Asks the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" Replies the man.

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A man walks into a bar...

And see's a man, about 1 foot tall playing the piano. "Damn!" He exclaims, "how is this possible ?" The bartender explains that there is a genie in the back of the bar. Excited, the man goes into the back of the bar and wishes for "1 million bucks!" , suddenly 1 million ducks fly out of the bar. "This genie is hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, and I got a million ducks!". The bartender pauses and says... "Yeah, you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist..."

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An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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Kids these days

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.

Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!

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A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

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Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."

Joker: "Ok, parental love".

Batman: "I don't get it.."

"exactly."

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Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

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Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

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A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."


A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

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An engineer tells his coworkers about his walk to work

"So I'm walking to work this morning through the park, like I always do, but today was a bit different... A beautiful woman on a bicycle rode up next to me and got off the bike. She stripped naked and put her clothes in a pile next to the bike, then looked right at me and said 'You can have anything you want...'"

One of his coworkers asks "So what did you do?"

He replies, "I took the bike."

The coworker says "Yeah, you made the right choice.. Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

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Have you heard my unemployment joke?

Yeah, it needs a little work.

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I heard we like Native American jokes.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."

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Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts?

Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".

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My friend once asked me if I would suck a dick for $1,000,000.

To which I replied, "Yeah, but I don't have that kind of money."

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they fired me." "And what about the Potato Peeler?" I asked. "They fired her too."

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There is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

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An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser

The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"

The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"

The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fuck I have ever seen."

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A farmer walked into an attorneys office...



A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?

The farmer said, Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.

The attorney asked, Well, do you have any grounds?

The farmer replied, Yeah. I got about 140 acres.

The attorney said, No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?

The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?

The farmer said, Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.

The attorney said, No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?

The farmer said, Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.

The exasperated attorney said, Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?

The farmer said, No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.

Finally, the attorney asked, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

And the farmer replied, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!

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Joe walks into a bar...

...when he comes inside he sees Billy sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

Joe walks up to him and says "hey Billy, where the hell did you get that watch?"

Billy points into the corner and says "do you see the old man sitting in the corner there?"

"Yeah" says Joe

"well, he can grant wishes" Billy

Joe gets all excited "like real wishes?"

Billy says "yes, but..."

but Joe is exited and doesn't let Billy finish, runs to the old man sitting in the corner and asks him "do you grant wishes?"

"yes, one wish per person" says the old man

"all right, I wish that my pockets were always full of money" and suddenly Joe's pockets start bulging out.

Joe runs to the bar and says the bartender "bartender, get me 2 beers, 2 shots of tequila and a bottle of whiskey"

Joe then reaches into his pockets for his money, but it isn't money, it's all gooey "this is honey, but I asked for money"

then Billy says "Do you think I asked for a 12" inch long clock?"

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I walked in a Library...

I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small penises. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I replied "Yeah, that's the one"

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Stay Positive.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

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A girl walks into a bar...

and sits down next to some guy. She orders a Bud light. The guy says she should try the magic beer. "Magic beer?" She asks. "Yeah watch this." He takes a sip of his beer, walks to the window, opens it and flies around to the front door, walks in and sits down. The girl says "that's amazing, do it again." He flies around to the front door and sits down at the bar again. The girl says "bartender, magic beer." She takes a sip, walks to the window, jumps out and falls 20 stories to her death. Bartender looks at the man and says, "superman, you're a real dick when you get drunk"

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The redhead mom, the brunette mom, and the blonde mom.

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

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Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starving from the lack of brains in this fucking town.

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So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in front of me had it caught, so I reached over and pulled it out. Then she hit me!"
The boss says "Well, that explains one black eye, but how'd you get the other?"
The man says "Since she hit me, I guessed she wanted it up in her ass, so I reached over and shoved it back in!"

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Two old men are sitting on the porch,

their wives in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Bob you should try that restaurant we went to last night. Best food I've had in a long time."

"Yeah Joe? What was it called?" asked Bob.

"Well, I can't seem to remember...What is the name of that red flower, you know with the thorns on the stem?

"A Rose, I think you are thinking of."

"Your right, thanks....**HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT?"**

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The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.

The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.

She turns to him and says,

"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"

"Yeah?" He responds

"His brother's a doctor"

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".

Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?

" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"

"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best yeah jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty yeah gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these yeah jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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