yea Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious yea puns

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!


Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."


A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"


I went to a bar last night

and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."


Me while talking to a lady friend :

Me : Hey, i read about this the other day ; did you know that 80% of women masturbate in the shower? Do you know what the other 20% do?

Her : No, what?

Me : Yea, I figured you were in the first group


Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.


"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"


You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"

I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.


Interesting Stat.

While talking to girl:

"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"

"No, what?"

"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."


Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault, was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.


Two men are in a bar....

Both men are married, and both have anniversaries coming up. They begin discussing the gifts they obtained for their spouses.

The first gentleman says, "I got her a tennis bracelet, a spa membership, and a week long cruise. What about you?"

"Oh. Um, I got mine a pair of slippers and a dildo."

"Slippers, and a dildo?", the other patron choked.

"Yea, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."


An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yea, right."


So two people are about to have sex for the first time

and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."


A kid gets onto his school bus and starts annoying the bus driver...

The little kid sits down in the front seat and starts saying
kid:"If my parents were tigers, id be a little tiger!'
kid: "If my parents were giraffes, id be a little giraffe!"

Bus Driver: "shut up, shut up"

Kid: "If my parents were dogs id be a little dog!"

finally the driver gets annoyed and says: "O yea? what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a homo? Then what would u be?!"

Kid: "A bus driver."


A hillbilly missed the first day of his deductive reasoning class... he goes to the professor to get the gist of what he missed.

Professor: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a lawn mower?"

Hillbilly: "Yea I do."

P: "From that fact, I can guess that you have a lawn in which to use your lawn mower.".

H: "Well I'll be..."

P: "I can also guess that you have a house to go with that lawn?"

H: "Yes I do!"

P: "And it may be true that you're also married with children?"

H: "Damn you're good..."

P: "And lastly, from you being married, I can deduce that you are a heterosexual ."

H: "Wow. I've never been so excited to come back to a class. Thank you professor! I'll see you tomorrow!"

Later that night, the hillbilly is drinking with his buddy, and the buddy asks, "So whaddaya learnin in that fancy college class?".

H: "Do you own a lawn mower?"

Buddy: "Nope, I borrow yours."

H: "Faggot."


fucking bank account joke

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,'Can I help you, sir'
He goes, ' Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account'

Clerk, 'Please there's no need for cussin'
'Yo motherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.'
'Sir I'll help u but watch ur language'

So the manager comes over,' Is there a problem here?'
Dude says,' Yea mothafucka I'm trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an' this motherfuckin' bitch won't let me.'
'Please sir don't curse and how much are you opening the account with?'
Dude,' 7 million $$'
Manager,' And this motherfuckin bitch ain't helpin' you?'


Over the counter

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the Pharmacist " I've heard a lot about that Viagra stuff does it really work" the pharmacist says "yea it works great" the guy asks "do you think I can get it over the counter" the pharmacist says "Well If you took enough I suppose you could". knee slap


So an Italian man and a Greek man we're arguing over which of their countries was the better one...

...and they eventually got to the topic of sex. The Greek, feeling as though had would clearly win with his next point, stated very boldly, "Oh yea? Well, we Greeks invented the art of sex!"

Without skipping a beat, the Italian replied, "True, but *we* invented sex with women!"


Russian joke.

A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor.

"Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off"

"Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice


6 shots of whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey
Bartender say " whoa 6 shots? What's the problem" man says " I just found out my older brother is gay"

Next night the Same man walks into the bar again , and orders six shots of whiskey. Bartnender say " what's the matter now". Man says, " just found out my younger brother is gay".

So the next night the man walks into the bar again and orders up 6 shots of whiskey. Bartender says "Geeze man does ANYBODY in your family like women?"

Man then replies "yea, my wife does"


A farmer walks into a lawyers office...

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"

Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat
you up or anything?"

"No sir, we both get up about 4:30." replies the farmer.

All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."


Two Chinese Guys Break Into a Distillery

The one guy looks to his friend and asks: "Is it whiskey?"

His friend replies: "Yea, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."


Two guys who haven't seen each other since High School meet...

**Guy 1**: Hey George! Haven't seen you in such a long time! How's it going? You went to study Philosophy like you always wanted?

**Guy 2**: Yea! I have a license in Philosophy!

**Guy 1**: Oh, that's awesome! And your sister told me that you also studied Journalism after that?

**Guy 2**: Yes. I'm thinking of even getting a Master's in Journalism.

**Guy 1**: Good job George, I'm proud of you. Keep it up! I'll have a Big Mac now please.


Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!


My doctor told me to ejaculate in a jar and bring it in the next day...

So I come back the next day with an empty jar. "What happened?" The doctor asked.

"Well," I reply. "I tried with my right hand, then my left hand, but it didn't work. So my wife tried with her left hand, then her right hand, then her mouth, but it didn't work. So then my neighbor tried with her right hand, then her left hand, then in between her legs, but it STILL didn't work!"

"You asked your neighbor?!?" The doctor exclaimed.

"Yea, I couldn't get the jar open."


Today was a good day!

Two buddies meet up for dinner one night. And started discussing their day.

"Today was awesome, went to mcdonalds, won a free big mac! Pretty awesome day all around."

The other friend says,
" Yea hey, i had a great day as well, went for a walk and found a girl tied up on the rail road tracks!! So i untied her, and basically rescued her, and as a reward she fucked me!!! Today was a good day."

His friend stares at him in awe, and says "Wow that's amazing, did she give you a blowjob?"

He replies, " No, i couldn't find her head."


A man stopped by to see his friend who recently broke both his legs.

After about an hour of conversation, Mike asks,
"Bill, would you mind running up stairs and grab my slippers for me? Stairs are a little difficult."
"Yea man. No problem."
As Bill is walking down the hallway upstairs he peeked through a door and sees Mike's gorgeous twin 18 yo daughters.
He opens the door and says,
"Your dad sent me up to have sex with you two."
With the look if disbelief on their faces, he says,
"Look, ill prove it to you".
He yells downstairs and says,
"Hey Mike. Both of them?"
Mike "Hell yea, both of them. What good is just one?!"


Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.

"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"

"Oh yea, how she doing?"

"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.

"Oh, she got breast enlargement?"

"No, she's got severe arthritis"


A guy called his Ex

A guy called his Ex and told her "I missed you".

The Ex replied "Oh that's sweet, but it's over".

The guy said "Yea I know, but can you please stand closer to the window so I won't miss you again?"


A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss

As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?"
The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat.
The kids nods his head and puts it on.
A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a Marine?"
The Marine says, "Yea, why? You wanna hold my dick or something?"
The kid says, "Oh no, I'm not a sailor, I'm just wearing his hat."


So i was in the bar the other day.....

When i started hearing voices saying "nice shoes" and "lovely smile", I started wondering who was saying it so i went to the bartender and said "Mate, do you know who keeps saying nice things to me" He replied "Its the peanuts mate" I replied "Peanuts, What do you mean" The bartender replied "Yea they're complementary"


A married couple were fighting...

...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."


Two best friends got married on the same date and...

meet every year after their anniversaries at their favorite bar. One was fortunate to be really successful and the other lives a sort of mediocre life. They start discussing what they got their wife's for their anniversaries. The rich guy begins by discussing his gift.

" Yea, I got my wife a diamond jewelry set...and a new Mercedes Benz"

" Wow, 2 gifts this year!" the poorer friend responds.

"Yea, I got her the Benz just in case she doesn't like the jewelry set, she can use the Benz to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it".

" sounds reasonable."

"What you get your wife?"

"I got her a set of slippers and a dildo"

" What's the deal with the dildo?"

" Oh, I got her the dildo that way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself"


Two guys are walking down the street

Two guys are walking down the street when the see a dog laying about in on a porch. As they pass the dog begins to lick his balls and one of the guys turns to the other and says
Guy 1: "See, now i wish i could do that!"
Guy 2: "Really?"
Guy 1: "Oh yea i bet it'd be awesome"
Guy 2: "Well, i am sure if you approach him real slow you could probably get close enough."


What are the most funny Yea jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Yea? Well, here are the best Yea dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Yea pick up lines to share with friends.

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