Yards Jokes
54 yards jokes and hilarious yards puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about yards that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Yards Short Jokes
Short yards jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The yards humour may include short lands jokes also.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'". - whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her
- How do you keep black people from stealing things in your back yard? You hang some in the front.
relax It's dark humor - Add a word to ruin a movie: - Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard sale
- Charlottes Web Cam. - I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."
- English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?
Because he don't love no hose. - My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard & they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"
- (Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard? Cuz everyone was dying to get in.
- I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled, "Pass me the ball, I'm free!"
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Yards One Liners
Which yards one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with yards? I can suggest the ones about woods and villa.
- Found some money in a church yard. Thought what would Jesus do… So I turned it into wine.
- My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard. She's a keeper.
- Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today... I bought it at a Yard sale.
- What did the man say after digging three holes in the yard? Well, well, well
- "How big do you suppose that fence is?" "I reckon that fence is around a yard."
- Did you know that helen keller had a swing set in her back yard? Neither did she.
- My son asked if there is anything he shouldn't buy at a yard sale. I said Meters.
- What's the best kind of grass for your front yard? Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.
- I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day.... It was a real milestone.
- I saw a bird that couldn't decide if he wanted to leave my yard. He was on the fence.
- All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard The police have nothing to go on
- I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
- The Roman version of Demeter is Ceres. And the American version of Demeter is Da yard.
- I just found a rock that is 1760 yards long... It must be a mile stone!
- Ruler I bought a three foot ruler yesterday at a yard sale
Charming Humor Yards Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about yards you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean garden jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make yards pranks.
Two Mexicans were walking through the desert...
After days without food or water, one of them spot a tree on the horizon.
"Look ese" one of them says. "Is a bacon tree!"
The other Mexican becomes excited, and starts running towards the tree. When he is only a few yards away, a hail of bullets hit him, and he falls to the ground. With his last breath he shouts to his friend.
"Run ese, is no bacon tree. Is a ham-bush"
Scots vs English
Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards.
Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.
A drunk white guy swerves and hits 2 black teens walking down the sidewalk
One went through the windshield, the other was flung 50 yards away.
When the police show up, they charge the first kid with breaking and entering and the other with fleeing the scene of a crime.
Matthew 11, Luke 9 and John 12...
...are just three of the boys Father O'Reilly has to stay at least 50 yards from.
I fostered a kid last night
Not bad a can right in the back of the head form 20 yards
Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a s**.... He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."
Sources are saying Geno Smith threw the first punch
but it landed a few yards short and was returned for a touchdown.
A fellow was walking along a country road...
...when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't say anything. So the guy decided to just start walking again.
After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes".
"Thanks. But why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk."
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
I'll do anything to prove I'm not lazy.
I'll go the whole three yards.
A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician
A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"
100 Yards to the Toilet by Will E. MakeIt
Illustrations by Betty Won't
Did you hear about those chicken proof yards?
They're impeckable.
What do you call a song being played 100 yards away that makes people pass out?
Faint music.
The Patriots
The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup
I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.
It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.
I was at a yardsale and a woman asked if I wanted any headphones
I said absolutely! and how did you know my name was Phones?
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.
If you watch it backwards. . .
The Shawshank Redemption is about two mexican fishermen who are such great friends that when one of them is sent to prison in Maine, the other one crawls through five hundred yards of foulness you can't even imagine to be with him.
What do you call people who protect their yards?
Lawn Enforcement.
How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?
Knot furlong.
Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.
I thought to myself, that's kind of a crapshoot.
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."
So I took my mother in law out yesterday morning...
From 1867 yards with a Barrett M82
I was pulled over by a police officer for drink driving.
He said walk down the path in a straight line, 3 yards into the walk, the officer said, "You're staggering" I said, "you're quite handsome yourself" We just laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
We Americans know how to embrace the metric system
I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing
He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.
He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts Dolores! He waits for her response, but nothing comes.
He moves 50 yards closer and shouts Dolores! Still no response from her.
Finally he moves 5 feet away from her and shouts Dolores!
What?! She cries For the third time WHAT?!?
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door
Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting
As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."
The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.
The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"
My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights
That's quite the crack shot
If you don't have a yardstick, get it now!!!!
They aren't making them any longer.
Tractors
So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.
One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
Few years later he goes on a date. The restaurant starts smoking and he says "Darling wait i got this". He s**... in all the smoke goes outside and blows it away. Everyone starts applauding and his date asks "How did you do that?". The guy says: "Im an extractor fan"
It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.
It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.
A chemist, physicist, and statistician go hunting.
They are behind a bush and all three see a 12 point buck off into the distance.
The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.
The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.
The statistician gets up and screams "We got him!".
I know, I know, it is a mean joke.....
A statistics joke...
Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, "We got it!"
