Yard Jokes
155 yard jokes and hilarious yard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about yard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out these yard jokes that will make you and your neighbors chuckle! From jokes about scrap yards and neighborhood driveways, to funny stories about lumber yards and junk yards, you'll have plenty to laugh about. There's even a few manure jokes thrown in - so get your shovels ready and enjoy laughing at these yard jokes!
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Funniest Yard Short Jokes
Short yard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The yard humour may include short villa jokes also.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'". - whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her
- Add a word to ruin a movie: - Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard sale
- Charlottes Web Cam. - I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."
- English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?
Because he don't love no hose. - My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard & they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"
- One of my dads faves Burglars have broken into Scotland Yard and stolen all the toilets
Police say they have nothing to go on - My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways! I think she's a hoarder-culturist.
- Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away. I thought to myself, that's kind of a crapshoot.
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Yard One Liners
Which yard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with yard? I can suggest the ones about park and woods.
- My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard. She's a keeper.
- Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today... I bought it at a Yard sale.
- What did the man say after digging three holes in the yard? Well, well, well
- "How big do you suppose that fence is?" "I reckon that fence is around a yard."
- Did you know that helen keller had a swing set in her back yard? Neither did she.
- My son asked if there is anything he shouldn't buy at a yard sale. I said Meters.
- What's the best kind of grass for your front yard? Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.
- I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day.... It was a real milestone.
- I saw a bird that couldn't decide if he wanted to leave my yard. He was on the fence.
- I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
- The Roman version of Demeter is Ceres. And the American version of Demeter is Da yard.
- Did you hear about those chicken proof yards? They're impeckable.
- My neighbors kept saying my yard was an eye sore.. Logically, i took a fence to it.
- Anyone can use my lawn mower at any time Given that they don't leave my yard
- I once dated a girl at a lumber yard... I got wood every time I saw her.
Yard Stick Jokes
Here is a list of funny yard stick jokes and even better yard stick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you use to measure grass? A yard stick.
- did you know that they aren't making yard sticks any longer? they're already long enough
Yard Sale Jokes
Here is a list of funny yard sale jokes and even better yard sale puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably It was a dead giveaway
- A buddy and I were thinking of starting a band called 'Yard Sale'. Just think of all the free publicity posters!
- Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy.... Shroom Shroom.
- What do they say about a minimalist's yard sale? Not a whole lot.
Scrap Yard Jokes
Here is a list of funny scrap yard jokes and even better scrap yard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So, I was talking to my friend who runs a scrap yard. I asked how business was... ... He replied: "pretty good, I've seen a bit of a pickup recently."
- Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane onto his brothers scrap metal yard.
- If I owned a scrap yard, I'd go to the rival scrap yard... ...and take the "S" off their sign.
Lumber Yard Jokes
Here is a list of funny lumber yard jokes and even better lumber yard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard I am SOOO board
- I had a job at a lumber yard, but I soon got board.
Junk Yard Jokes
Here is a list of funny junk yard jokes and even better junk yard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common? Neither one has a title
- What do you call trash that is 3 feet high? A junk yard.
Comedy Yard Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about yard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tree jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make yard pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a m**... in my yard last night.
Luckily, they flew away this morning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's all in the position.
A father and son were standing in the front yard one day and the son notices two dogs having s**.... He asks "dad what they are doing?" The father replies "they are making puppies." A few nights later the son walks in on his mother and father having s**... and asks " dad what are y'all doing?" The father says "we're making babies." The son quickly replies " well turn her over, I want a puppy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Logic Joke
Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Boy chokes on a coin
A little boy was playing in his yard when he swallowed a coin that became lodged in his t**.... His mother picked him up and ran down the street screaming for help. Luckily, a man ran over and hit the boy hard on the back so that the coin popped out of his mouth. "Thank you so much, doctor!" the mother said.
"Oh, I'm not a doctor, ma'am," said the man. "I work for the IRS"
Number 12...
A man is walking down the street when he begins to hear yelling. The man notices it's coming from the court yard of a mental hospital. Once he gets closer he notices they are all yelling the number 12. The fence being too high, he peaks through a hole into the fence to see why they are yelling twelve. To his surprise he gets poked in the eye and begins hearing everyone yell 13...13...
I like to yard work listening to Judas Priest...
......singing at the top of my lungs: RAKING THE LAWN RAKING THE LAWN!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"
A man goes for a walk...
and as he walks he approaches the local mental institution, on the other side of the wall he can hear the patients chanting "3! 3! 3! 3!". His curiosity has been piqued by all the commotion coming from within so he decides to take a glimpse through a hole he sees in the wall, as he bends down and peers through the wall silence falls over the yard and a long stick gets shoved through the hole and pokes him in the eye
"4! 4! 4! 4! 4!"
The memo
An older man hires a guy every fall and his only job is to use my leaf blower and get the leaves out my yard.
He only pays in checks though. Just so he may write "thanks for the blow" on the memo line.
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
A woman answers her door...
And a man is standing in the doorway. He says, "lady I'm sorry, but I think I just hit your cat." The lady replies, " oh no, I don't think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house." The man says, "well it came running out of your yard." The woman then asks, "what does it look like?" The man says, "well it looks kinda flat and runny." "No what did it look like before you hit it?". "Surprised. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ?
stay calm . reload . and try again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Recently divorced Marine s**... slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.
He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.
Go fly a kite
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"
The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just can't understand women
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
A boy and his father are playing catch
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?
My dog kept digging holes in the back yard...
..so I hide all the shovels
I came across a lost kid in my neighborhood the other day
Now I have to register everywhere I live and put a sign in my yard :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Russell Wilson is dating Ciara but they're not having s**......
That's like getting the ball to the one yard line and not scoring a touchdown
Two kids camping in the backyard
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I should make a monument in my yard dedicated to the guy who killed h**....
My neighbors have really overgrown trees in their yard and keep their curtains down all the time
I think that's pretty shady
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.
We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a prison break, I saw a midget climb the fence of the prison yard. As he jumped down, he sneered at me...
I thought to myself, "well, that was a little con-descending."
During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....
...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".
42! 42! 42!
A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting " ", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!
My new job has me up at 1 AM every morning in my front yard with a glass of water and a paintbrush.
It doesn't really pay much but I make dew.
A blonde and her husband
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, n**..., watering the garden.
When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife n**....
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing o**... s**....
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing o**... s**... on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
Why can't your lawn be 3 feet tall?
'Cause then it'd be a yard.
There something I don't like about the tree in my font yard.
Seems kinda shady!
What is a pirates favourite part of a house?
The Yar-d
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's another name for a n**... beach?
A junk yard.
Army Post
A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...
They had desserted their post.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my friend why he only smokes p**... right outside of his front yard where he'd be more likely to be caught...
He said
"Because my dad said it's a gateway drug"
A guy was sitting under the tree in my front yard too long, so I called the cops
sitting under the tree that long, its GOT to be shady.
Two neighbors were arguing...
N1: How do you know I threw this can in your yard?
N2: Because it's the same one I threw in your yard!
There's a horse in our front yard!
Husband says to his wife. Honey look out the window, there is a horse in the front yard. She replies: that's no horse, that's a cow! Honey, I said look out the window, not in the mirror.
There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn't grow back.
I'm not sure what the science is behind this, but I'm sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
What's the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?
I don't know, they just have me fly the drone
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
So I just found a load of clay in my back yard...
Didn't know what to make of it.
A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles
And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."
Faithful dog for sale
Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.
- Hey, I saw your offer for a good natured dog, I have a couple of questions.
- Shoot.
- He good with kids?
- Very. He's kind and gentle and has endless patience.
- yard dog or house dog?
- House trained but loves the yard as well.
- Cool. Last, is he really faithful?
- Oh yeah, very faithful. This is the fifth time I'm selling him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Old Men
Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just s**...t my pants."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Contradicting Coronavirus advice!
First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we're told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and n**..., leave me alone... I'm conducting important medical research.
With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...
Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.
Tired of telling my wife what to do.
We were working in the yard and she kept asking how to do one thing after another. I finally said, "just pretend I'm dead and do what you want."
Then she got out her phone and started calling friends to have a celebration.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever since I was young, my mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
*"If you children are going to kill each other, do it out in the front yard. I've just finished cleaning."*
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
