Xmas Jokes
52 xmas jokes and hilarious xmas puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about xmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations, wouldn't it be nice to lighten the atmosphere with a sprinkle of laughter? We've compiled a list of Christmas jokes perfect to infuse some humor in your holiday celebrations.
Regardless of whether you're hoping to entertain your family during dinner, bring a smile to your coworkers during a corporate festive gathering, or just need a funny tidbit to include in your Christmas card, these jokes are guaranteed to spread joy and laughter.
Enjoy these playful jests and witty punchlines, because after all, 'tis the season to be jolly!
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Funniest Xmas Short Jokes
Short xmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The xmas humour may include short merry jokes also.
- An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile. - Banks need to be better at restocking these atm at Xmas…. This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds
- My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front
- My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me.
- What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L
- We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them? Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".
- What has eight arms and tells the time? A clocktopus
Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner - Do you know what uncle Putin said at the xmas table? Looks like I'm having turkey for dinner.
- As a German, this year is the first year I'm really happy... ...that I have missed the Coke X-Mas truck.
- I just saw a lit up 'Noel' x-mas decoration on top of a house and noticed the 'L' was missing, so I thought to myself, 'look, there's no L.'
Share These Xmas Jokes With Friends
Xmas One Liners
Which xmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with xmas? I can suggest the ones about holiday and thanksgiving.
- Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
- I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas It's just a stocking filler.
- I just finished decorating my xmas tree with tampons. For the Christmas period.
- For Xmas I got you mental arithmetic. It's the thought that counts.
- Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution Bone-less turkey
- I've got an allergy to Pine, Fir, and Cedar. … All I want for Xmas is Yew.
- What was Bruce Lee's first Xmas gift as a child? ATOYYY!!!
- What I want for Xmas... I asked Santa for a sister. He asked for my mom.
- Why do alcoholic bunnies love Xmas? It's the hop, hopsiest season of all...
- Let's try being Nicest together this Xmas eve.. Texted one dyslexic cousin to other.
- This Christmas seems promising for Apple An X-mas will be released by then
- Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
- Got a new dishwasher for xmas Her name is Kim ..
- Holiday Taint That time between Xmas and NYE
- What does a t**... do on Xmas day? Eat, drink and be Mary.
Merry Xmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny merry xmas jokes and even better merry xmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it important to disinfect your console when you have the flu? Because then you have a clean xbox.
Apologies, merry Xmas all!
Amusing Xmas Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about xmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean noel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make xmas pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do women have babies? [First] [Terrible Xmas Joke from 95 Year old Grandpa]
Because they take it too seriously when men poke them in good fun.
I know, I know, this is absolutely terrible. But my 95 year old grandpa just said it at his birthday dinner with the rest of the family around... after hitting on 4 women at the restaurant old enough to be my mother. Oy.
Corny Jokes
What kind of bees produce milk?
--Boobies
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
-- fo drizzle
What's black and rhymes with snoop?
--Dr. Dre
Why don't you play poker in the jungle?
-- Too many cheetahs
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater for Xmas??
-- Gh, Gh, Ghee, U Knit..
The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas!
It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake?
A h**... h**... h**....
(merry xmas!)
I bought my friend a new computer screen for Xmas.
His New Year resolution is 1920 x 1080.
My lesbian neighbors got my a Rolex for Xmas
When they asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said "I wanna watch." They totally misheard me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than o**... s**...."
So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas c**...!
What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
Con Medicine
(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)
Have you heard Elton John's new Xmas song about a reindeer with stunted growth?
....Tiny Prancer.
My work Xmas party has a Mexican theme this year
To comply with the theme, I will jump the fence and enter the party illegally.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
NEW XMAS SONG CONTROVERSY
The media is reporting that the Xmas song, 'All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth' as being offensive to r**...
I swear it gets earlier every year....
there is 357 days until Christmas, and people already have their X-Mas decorations up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
My daughter did a dad joke. So proud!
Scene: living room, xmas tree finally taken down from its home in front of the living room window
Mom: " it's bright in here with the tree down."
Daughter: gets up and stands in front of the window.
Me (dad): looks at her. "What are you doing?"
Daughter: "well, ive always been told that I make a better door than a window..."
