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Xmas Jokes

54 xmas jokes and hilarious xmas puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about xmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations, wouldn't it be nice to lighten the atmosphere with a sprinkle of laughter? We've compiled a list of Christmas jokes perfect to infuse some humor in your holiday celebrations.

Regardless of whether you're hoping to entertain your family during dinner, bring a smile to your coworkers during a corporate festive gathering, or just need a funny tidbit to include in your Christmas card, these jokes are guaranteed to spread joy and laughter.

Enjoy these playful jests and witty punchlines, because after all, 'tis the season to be jolly!

Funniest Xmas Short Jokes

Short xmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The xmas humour may include short merry jokes also.

  1. The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge.
  2. An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck!
    I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
  3. Banks need to be better at restocking these atm at Xmas…. This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds
  4. My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front
  5. My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg. It's just a stocking filler
  6. I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year..... Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.
  7. Bought the wife some meatloaf knickers for Xmas. The front says "I will do anything for love"
    On the rear it says "but I won't do that"
  8. My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me.
  9. What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L
  10. We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them? Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

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Xmas One Liners

Which xmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with xmas? I can suggest the ones about holiday and thanksgiving.

  1. Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
  2. I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas It's just a stocking filler.
  3. I just finished decorating my xmas tree with tampons. For the Christmas period.
  4. I got a sweater for xmas....
    I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
  5. For Xmas I got you mental arithmetic. It's the thought that counts.
  6. Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution Bone-less turkey
  7. I've got an allergy to Pine, Fir, and Cedar. … All I want for Xmas is Yew.
  8. Yo mama So fat I can stand on her belly and high five Jesus
    -Merry Xmas
  9. You shouldn't eat Xmas decorations You will get tinselitis
  10. What was Bruce Lee's first Xmas gift as a child? ATOYYY!!!
  11. What I want for Xmas... I asked Santa for a sister. He asked for my mom.
  12. Why do alcoholic bunnies love Xmas? It's the hop, hopsiest season of all...
  13. Let's try being Nicest together this Xmas eve.. Texted one dyslexic cousin to other.
  14. This Christmas seems promising for Apple An X-mas will be released by then
  15. Stevie wonder got a cheese grader for Xmas He said it was the best book he ever read

Merry Xmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny merry xmas jokes and even better merry xmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is it important to disinfect your console when you have the flu? Because then you have a clean xbox.
    Apologies, merry Xmas all!
  • What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake? A h**... h**... h**....
    (merry xmas!)

Kids Xmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny kids xmas jokes and even better kids xmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year A real shame about that dog for the kids...
Xmas joke, Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

Xmas joke, Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

Amusing Xmas Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about xmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moaner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make xmas pranks.

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

What does a t**... do on Xmas day?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

Corny Jokes

What kind of bees produce milk?
--Boobies
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
-- fo drizzle
What's black and rhymes with snoop?
--Dr. Dre
Why don't you play poker in the jungle?
-- Too many cheetahs
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater for Xmas??
-- Gh, Gh, Ghee, U Knit..

I just saw a lit up 'Noel' x-mas decoration on top of a house and noticed the 'L' was missing, so I thought to myself, 'look, there's no L.'

I got a sweater for Xmas

I appreciate it, but I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

What has eight arms and tells the time?

A clocktopus
Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than o**... s**...."

So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.

100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas c**...!

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
Con Medicine
(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)

Do you know what uncle Putin said at the xmas table?

Looks like I'm having turkey for dinner.

NEW XMAS SONG CONTROVERSY

The media is reporting that the Xmas song, 'All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth' as being offensive to r**...

What did Jefferey d**...'s mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

So, the little boy asks Santa for a baby sister this Xmas and Santa says: "No worries little fella, just send your mother over"

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

My daughter did a dad joke. So proud!

Scene: living room, xmas tree finally taken down from its home in front of the living room window
Mom: " it's bright in here with the tree down."
Daughter: gets up and stands in front of the window.
Me (dad): looks at her. "What are you doing?"
Daughter: "well, ive always been told that I make a better door than a window..."

Xmas joke, For Xmas I got you mental arithmetic.

jokes about xmas