The Best 44 Xmas Jokes

Following is our collection of Xmas jokes which are very funny. There are some xmas festive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these xmas holiday puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Xmas Jokes and Puns

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

I got a sweater for xmas....



I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Why do women have babies? [First] [Terrible Xmas Joke from 95 Year old Grandpa]

Because they take it too seriously when men poke them in good fun.

I know, I know, this is absolutely terrible. But my 95 year old grandpa just said it at his birthday dinner with the rest of the family around... after hitting on 4 women at the restaurant old enough to be my mother. Oy.

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution

Bone-less turkey


What does a Transvestite do on Xmas day?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

I just finished decorating my xmas tree with tampons.

For the Christmas period.

Corny Jokes

What kind of bees produce milk?

--Boobies

Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?

-- fo drizzle

What's black and rhymes with snoop?

--Dr. Dre

Why don't you play poker in the jungle?

-- Too many cheetahs

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater for Xmas??

-- Gh, Gh, Ghee, U Knit..

I just saw a lit up 'Noel' x-mas decoration on top of a house and noticed the 'L' was missing, so I thought to myself, 'look, there's no L.'

You shouldn't eat Xmas decorations

You will get tinselitis

What I want for Xmas...

I asked Santa for a sister. He asked for my mom.

You can explore xmas ornament reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean xmas reindeers dad jokes. There are also xmas puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

gloves!

nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet

The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas!

It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER!

What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake?

A ho ho ho.

(merry xmas!)

My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with

She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front

I got a sweater for Xmas

I appreciate it, but I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

As a German, this year is the first year I'm really happy...

...that I have missed the Coke X-Mas truck.


Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

Yo mama

So fat I can stand on her belly and high five Jesus

-Merry Xmas

Why is it important to disinfect your console when you have the flu?

Because then you have a clean xbox.

Apologies, merry Xmas all!

What has eight arms and tells the time?

A clocktopus

Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

My lesbian neighbors got my a Rolex for Xmas

When they asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said "I wanna watch." They totally misheard me.

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas cracker!

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?

Con Medicine

(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)

Stevie wonder got a cheese grader for Xmas

He said it was the best book he ever read

Do you know what uncle Putin said at the xmas table?

Looks like I'm having turkey for dinner.

This Christmas seems promising for Apple

An X-mas will be released by then

Insomnia sucks

But on the bright side there's only 3 sleeps to Xmas.

My work Xmas party has a Mexican theme this year

To comply with the theme, I will jump the fence and enter the party illegally.

NEW XMAS SONG CONTROVERSY

The media is reporting that the Xmas song, 'All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth' as being offensive to rednecks

What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

So, the little boy asks Santa for a baby sister this Xmas and Santa says: "No worries little fella, just send your mother over"

Let's try being Nicest together this Xmas eve..

Texted one dyslexic cousin to other.

Why do alcoholic bunnies love Xmas?

It's the hop, hopsiest season of all...

I swear it gets earlier every year....

there is 357 days until Christmas, and people already have their X-Mas decorations up.

What was Bruce Lee's first Xmas gift as a child?

ATOYYY!!!

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.

I said, you're kidding me.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet.

Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L

Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

A real shame about that dog for the kids...

The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the xmas yule jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working xmas decorations piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes