X Ray Jokes

An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time s**... a bullet?" The man answers, "s**... a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"

I got pizza grease on my newspaper today

And thought I'd developed x-ray vision.

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"

I send x-rays not n**...

Cause it's the inside that matters.

From the Hospital...

Husband: Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been conducting examinations and tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.
Wife: Who is Tina?

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

Don't try and lie to an x-ray machine

They can see right through you.

While seen my x-ray, my doctor said....

You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"
But this one just say "You're s**..."

I broke my fist in a fight...

So when I got it X-rayed the doctor asked how it happened. I told him I'd tripped on a step, but he said he could see through me.

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"

When I was little I swallowed a penny

When I was little I swallowed a penny.
The doctor X-rayed me and didn't see any change

Cats and Dogs

Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can.

A man goes to the doctor...

The doctor says: I have good news and bad news...
The man replies: - Okay start with the bad news.
-See this X-ray here? This is your organs, see this black circles? There are tumours everywhere in your body.
- Oh... and what is the good news?
- I can make it disappear in Photoshop.

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

A man named Theodore

A man named Theodore works in a hospital and scans people for broken bones. Despite being the only person at the hospital who does this, he has never scanned anyone under the age of 18. He wonders why this is, and suddenly it hits him.
He's x-ray Ted.

I've always been suspicious about X-Rays.

Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get them done?

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

I once had a girlfriend who was an X-Ray technician.

I could never lie to her, because she always saw right through me.

Me: "So, any news?

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your x-ray."
Me:" But I've never dated anyone called Ray."
Doctor: "And we might do a brain scan."

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

A man gets a x-ray

The doctor says this is exactly what I was afraid of
The patient says what?
Skeletons

Doctor : Your X-rays show you swallowed a light bulb.

Me: I guess you could say that I'm..
Doctor: please don't do...
Me: Lit AF
Doctor: get out!

I recently had to go to the doctor, my entire body hurt everywhere

I told the doc
"It hurts when I poke my neck",
"It hurts when I poke my chest",
"It hurts when I poke my leg"
The doc took some x-rays and the results came back:
I had broken my finger

You shouldn't worry about headaches

I mean, it's all in your head.

Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can

Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan

I needed an X-Ray on my wrist, and I couldn't go to the hospital.

So I went to the Airport.

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the Burns unit! Happy Rabbie Burns Day

The other day me and my friend were arguing about whether people could have X-ray vision.

We argued for hours until he said that he could see right through my argument.
He'd always been a hypocrite.

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.
Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.
Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.
Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Your finger is broken.

I used to be married to an X-Ray Machine

We got a divorce yesterday so I Guess you can call it my Ex-Ray Machine

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying.......

.......and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her x-ray, I said don't speak to him just walk away.......

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.