Wrong Answer Jokes
137 wrong answer jokes and hilarious wrong answer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wrong answer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Wrong Answer Short Jokes
Short wrong answer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wrong answer humour may include short correct answer jokes also.
- TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer." Now we wait.
- In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
- I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains. Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.
- If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off" "In your daughter" is the wrong answer
- In my day, schooling was so severe. If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal ruler.
Tough measures. - As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong." "Question 2 ?" I asked.
"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs." - The doctor told me to rate my pain. Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer.
- My biology teacher asked me what was the ugliest vegetable IMO. Apparently, Stephen Hawking was the wrong answer.
- A feminist asked me how I see lesbian relationships. "In HD" was apparently the wrong answer.
- My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"... Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"
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Wrong Answer One Liners
Which wrong answer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wrong answer? I can suggest the ones about wrong number and question answer.
- Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number You answered the wrong phone
- My psychiatrist asked me how do i see myself Apparently in a Mirror was the wrong answer
- Animal testing is wrong.... They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because road was a wrong answer.
- What is your favorite number in the alphabet If you didn't answer Germany you're wrong
- There is no wrong answer... unless you are married.
- I called the Blackjack helpline. A voice answered and said, "You got the wrong number."
- Chuck Norris can't get a riddle wrong.
The riddle can only have the wrong answer. - I KNOW YOUR ANSWER!!! if im wrong ill give you $100!!
- My calculator s**... It always gives me the wrong answer
Ridiculous Wrong Answer Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about wrong answer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean incorrect jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wrong answer pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge.
He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen.
He asks her if she would like to play a game.
She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends.
No one knows the answer.
So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me o**... s**..., the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day.
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the assault on Russia.
Finally, they decide to ask the French: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The French answered: "We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure."
Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The Germans answer: "We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..."
What to do?
Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea.
So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?"
The Chinese replies: "Right now!"
Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic...
Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Newlyweds went on their honeymoon...
and were getting undressed to be together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks, revealing some grotesque toes.
"What happened to your feet?" she asked.
"As a child I suffered from tolio." he replied.
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio. It only affects the toes."
He proceeded to remove his pants and she saw that his knees were twisted and contorted.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.
"You see, I also had kneesles." he answered.
"You mean measles?"
"No no, kneesles. It only affects the knees."
When he removed his boxers his wife exclaimed "Wait, don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
A man and a blonde.
A man who had heard way to many 'blonde jokes' was sitting next to a blonde woman. The man decided to play a prank on the blonde since he assumed she was just a dumb blonde.
He told her: " Hey, let's play a game. I'm going to ask you a question and if you answer wrong then you give me 50 cents. And then you ask me a question and if I answer wrong, I give you 50 dollars."
She agreed. And then the man said ladies first.
The blonde asked the man: " What animal has 7 heads and 3 legs?"
The man couldn't think of an answer so he pulled up his laptop and searched the internet for the answer. He couldn't find it so he gave up and gave the blonde 50 dollars. Then he asked her, "so whats the answer?"
She said, "I don't know" and gave the man 50 cents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fire safety
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The elbow
A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a u**... sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that only for $1!"
The man decides to take a shot, fills a glass with u**..., goes to the supermarket, finds the computer and pours his u**... into the computer. Immediately a small paper is printed and comes out of the computer: "TENNIS ELBOW. Keep your arm warm for a few days and avoid heavy lifting. In two weeks you'll be better."
The former scriptkiddie is impressed and decides to see if he can confuse the computer. He mixes dishwashing water with diarrhea from his dog, together with some u**... from his wife and daughter. To finish it he masturbates and drops his s**... into the cup and mixes everything again.
when he arrives in the supermarked he drops his mixture into the computer. The computer spits out a little less small paper: "Your tap water contains too much calcium, buy softener. Your dog has parasites, give him medicines. Your daughter smokes marihuana, speak with her. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father, get yourself a good lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny : I like the way you think
An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one --the one that the farmer shot."
The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently l**... it around the edges, the second slowly s**... the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then s**... the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and s**... out the inside."
Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong --it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
Oldie, but a goodie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just give them another chance!
So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are s**..." myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.
REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"
1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"
REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"
REPORTER: "NO!"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What part of the body goes to heaven first?
In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
In the back of the class, n**... Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.
"Yes, Susan?"
"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"
"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
"OK, Billy, what do you think?"
"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so s**..., leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too s**... and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
Tom, Walter, and Mike are building a skyscraper...
Suddenly a stiff wind blows through and catches Tom off guard. He falls to his death. Walter and Mike rush down to the street level where a crowd has gathered around Tom's body.
"I suppose one of us should tell his wife", says Mike.
Walter sighed. "Well, I used to give him a ride home. I know where he lived and I'm good a delivering bad news. I'll do it."
So, Walter leaves Mike to help clean Tom off the sidewalk. About an hour later Walter comes back with a case of beer under his arm.
Mike says, "Hey! Where'd you get that?"
"Tom's wife gave it to me!"
"What? Why?"
"Well, when she answered the door, I asked her 'Are you Tom's widow?' She said "No, I'm not!' And I said "Bet you a case of beer you're wrong!'"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
What Roses Drink?
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?
"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Deputy Investigation goes Wrong.
WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF 'S DEPT. Investigation
A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for i**... grown m**....'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,
"See this badge"!? "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land". "No questions asked or answers given". "Have I made myself clear!!??" "Do you understand!!??"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his **** fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your F**king badge!"
Cardiologist
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
Australians
An Australian turist came to America and rented a motorcycle. He drives in the speed of 100MPH in a 70MPH speed limit road, when a police officer tells him to pull over. The cup yells at the turist: "What is wrong with you, did you came here to die?!?!"
"No," answer the turist, "I came here today"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa's Jokes
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...
Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.
"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"
He doesn't respond.
"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"
He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."
Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"
(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago!
Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.
That question from your wife for which either answer is wrong
Apparently the third answer "it's not the dress" isn't right either.
Three men die and go to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven.
He asks the first man, Have you ever cheated on your wife? The man answers, No, never! St. Peter says, Good man, I will give you a Ferrari for your loyalty.
St. Peter then asks the second man, Have you ever cheated on your wife? The man answers, I did once and regret it to this day! St. Peter says, I hear your regret. Take this Honda Civic.
St. Peter then asks the third man, Have you ever cheated on your wife? The man answers, Many times. What can I say, I just love women! St. Peter says, You are honest. Take this scooter. At least you won't have to walk.
So the third man is riding around on his scooter when he sees the first man's Ferrari pulled over to the side of the road. He sees the man, crying, and asks, What's wrong?
The first man replies, I just saw my wife on a bicycle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Complete" or "Finished"?
**Here's your English lesson for the day!**
**"Complete" or "Finished"?**
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
Mr. Balgobin's response: When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Men Will Be Men
Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wants to cross a bridge...
...but a knight won't let him unless he answers three questions correctly but with each wrong answer, the knight promises to cut off parts of his body. The man agrees. The first question is incorrect and the knight chops off his arms. Likewise, the second question is incorrect and the legs were sliced off. Lastly, he answers the third one incorrectly and off his head goes when the knight separates it from its torso.
"Shall we have a fourth question?" Asked the knight.
The man replied, "I should quit while I'm a head."
Two misbehaving boys are taken to the priest...
The priest asks to see them one at a time, so the youngest one goes first. In the room the priest asks him, "Why are you here?"
The boy responds, "My mom caught me stealing her phone from her purse and said she has had enough of me."
The priest then said, "Alright. One more question. Where is God?"
The boy didn't respond so he asked again, "Where is God?"
The boy was starting to get nervous. When the boy stayed silent, the priest said a bit more stirnly, "I want you to answer this question. Where is God?"
At this point, the boy shot up from his seat and ran out the room. 1 hour later, his older brother found him shaking, hidding inside a closet. He asked him what was wrong.
The boy looked at him with wide eyes and said, "God is missing. And they think we stole him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"
Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'
I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time.
Mum was breathing erratically, k**... her legs up frantically &
squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?"
Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".
I WANT MY GIRL TO BE LIKE MY CELL PHONE
Even though im wrong she's there to find the correct answer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Jhonny and the teacher
Little Jhonny is in class doing a math problem when the teacher asks him :
-If there were 5 birds on that tree there and you shoot one, how many there would be left?
Little Jhonny thinks for a second and says "0!, because one would die and the others would fly away"
The teachers then replies "Thats not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think!"
Then little jhonny says to the teacher "Now i've got a question for you. There's 3 women on a bench having an ice cream. One is l**... it, another is s**... it and the third one is biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher stops for a second and says "Well, I'm not sure but I think the one s**... it" and little Jhonny replies "Thats wrong, It would be the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think"
A Jewish Lawyer...
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
What is famous?
Three friends were arguing what being famous really means.
The first one states, "True fame is when you get invited to the white house".
"That's nothing" says the second "True fame is when you are in the white house, the red phone rings, and no one is there to pick it up so you answer the phone".
"You're all wrong" protests the third, "True fame is when the red phone rings, the president answers it and claims its for you".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska.....
And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else.
Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks "Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"
The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers "That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"
Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks "Don't....don't we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive?"
The vet looks at him as replies "No man. If you ever c**..., just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Eventually someone will show up and tell you that you're playing it wrong."
Can any one say the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'?
English Vinglish
🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....
A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....
Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some Chuck Norris Jokes
- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.
- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.
- Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
- When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed.
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway..
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M40. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said George. "It's hundreds of them!"
Dave was in a bar looking
very dejected. His friend, Adam, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Adam said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah, sure," Dave answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"
5th grade teacher: "You have more wrong answers than your whole class combined. I have never seen one person make so many mistakes."
Student: "Well... not *one* person. My dad helped me too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.
She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pretty poor man man walks into a bar.
He goes and sits at the bar before turning to the bar man.
'I only got a pound on me mate, anything I can get with that?'
'No,' says the bar man. 'But you can attempt a challenge for free drinks for the rest of the night.'
The poor man was up for it.
'Ok, so I'm gonna hook you up to this lie detector and you gotta try and make it get the wrong answer.' The bar man instructed.
So the poor man got hooked up to the lie detector.
'Off you go,' said the bar man.
'This lie detector will tell you that this is a lie.'
Nobody survived the following e**....
Job interview
A guy goes to a job interview and the interviewer asks " how is your maths skills".
The guy replies " oh, im real fast at maths". The interviewer is curious and decides to test him with some quick-fire questions. "
Interviewer: ok then. 9×5?
The guy quickly responds 50
Interviewer: 10×2
The guy immediately answers back again "32"
The interviewer is puzzled and says "those answers were both wrong. youre absolutely terrible at math"
To which the guy responds "yeah, but im fast at it"
Got asked how to motivate a team at work today
Apparently a baseball bat is the wrong answer
A Wrong Answer
While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help.
"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"
"Monogamy," he answered
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men in a hospital
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse then yells to the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and b**... his head on the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"
A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.
The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"
A Jewish father was troubled...
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired because answering the phone 'good morning' in the afternoon is wrong.
I already miss working at that f**... home.
What are some funny physics jokes?
A farmer noticed that his chickens were sick, and called in a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help diagnose the problem. The biologist observed the chickens, concluding, "I can tell you there's something wrong with your chickens, but I don't know what's causing it." The chemist took fluid samples from the chickens back to his lab, and returned saying, "I can tell you what's infecting your chickens, but I don't know how they got it." Meanwhile, the physicist had been sitting on the floor, scribbling madly on several notebooks worth of paper. Suddenly, he jumped up, exclaiming, "I have the answer, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."
My Spanish teacher told me to name an object in Spanish...
...apparently "la mujer" was the wrong answer.
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.
What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.
I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.
What did he say? asked the man.
He said, Funny you should come to me...
After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions.
Apparently "Do you do birthday parties?" was the wrong answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving down the road.
When suddenly he sees a red man crying.He asks him "What's wrong with you?" The red man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Mars and i am hungry" The man gives him a sandwitch,hops back in his car and goes further.He then saw a green man crying.He asks him again what's wrong and the green man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Venus and i'm thirsty." the man gives him a bottle of water hops back in his car and goes further.Then he sees a blue man approaching.He tells the blue man:"Yeah yeah i know the drill.You're a homosexual exiled from some planet and what do you want?" the blue man answers "your license please".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are in the hospital waiting room!
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, Congratulations! You're the father of twins.
That's odd, answers the man. I work for the Minnesota Twins!
A nurse says to the second guy, Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!
That's weird, answers the second man. I work for the 3M company!
A nurse tells the third man, Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!
That's strange, he answers. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!
The last man is groaning and b**... his head against the wall. What's wrong? the others ask.
I work for 7 Up!
My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...
Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.
As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"
She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."
What lives in a jungle and has a trunk?
A elephant.....*screeching tires*
WRONG ANSWER!
A baboon with carry on.
Difference between complete and finished
No dictionary was ever able to define the difference between complete and finished.
However in a linguistic conference somewhere in London, Michael Sons, a Surinamese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between Complete and Finished . Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response:
When you marry the right woman you are complete .
If you marry the wrong woman you are finished .
However if the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, then you are completely finished .
His answer received a standing 5 minute ovation.
An English Professor asked the class what the opposite of right was. A boy raised his hand and answered "left".
Professor responded "wrong".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
At the interview for my new job I was asked
"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"
"I don't have any!" Was my reply.
The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."
Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."
A woman goes to the doctor
A woman goes to the doctor and says, I'm a little embarrassed, but every time I go to the bathroom, I pee nickels, dimes, and quarters. What is wrong with me?
The doctor answers her, There's nothing wrong with you miss. You're just going through the change.