Written Jokes
100 written jokes and hilarious written puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about written that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Try a new kind of joke with written comedy! Are you ready to explore the world of writing with written Nigerian, Akpos, Tegwolo, and April Fools jokes? Get the manuscript ready and find a publisher – these jokes have yet to be written!
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Funniest Written Short Jokes
Short written jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The written humour may include short wrote jokes also.
- On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, Is this normal? He said, Not during a written exam, no.
- You can tell that Wolverine is a canadian character written by an American His superpower is healthcare
- I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
- My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny... So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.
- I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
- I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written... That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
- What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool ranch.
(Written by my 9 yo daughter). - Only an American could have written The wizard of oz. Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.
- The Most Dad Joke of Puns! All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.
Also it's my cake day! - To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified Especially when it's written in Braille.
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Written One Liners
Which written one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with written? I can suggest the ones about write and posted.
- They say history is written by the victors.... But I've never seen an emu write before.
- What happens when you eat beans with onions? Tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son) - I have written a book on Penguins In hindsight, paper would have been better.
- What I want written on my tombstone: "Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"
- Today I saw a phone number written on a pillar... Should I column?
- From now on I will write all my jokes in capitals… This one was written in London
- Britain should have written a break up note "It's not EU, it's me"
- I've written a book about reverse psychology Please don't buy it.
- I've just written a song about tortillas Actually, it's more of a rap.
- Why is 'dark' not written 'darc'? Because you can't see in the dark
- I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'. I saw it written on a Glass Door.
- What do you call an apology written using dots and dashes? Re-morse code
- "Love me do" was written by John Lennon... After he got a really nice haircut
- What do you call a story written in Braille? A touching story.
- Did you hear Kevin Spacey is writing a song? The entire thing is written in A minor
Gather Around for Fun Written Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about written you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean published jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make written pranks.
Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.
What do yeast and a r**... have in common?
They're both usually found with beer and i**....
-&y (written by moi)
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.
When will the madness end?
An apple
A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
I just ate some pasta...
...and it was worth every Penne.
^(My god, that must be the worst joke I've ever written.)
An arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.
She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"
So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"
"He slapped my left cheek."
So the father s**... his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"
*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*
What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?
They both had kurds in their way. (Curds in their whey.)
***This joke is phonetically superior to its' written version.
I have to say, I prefer audio books to written books
I don't know why. I guess they just really speak to me.
Job Interview
A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts.
As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's résumé and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom.
He turns the résumé over, but finds that the other side is blank.
The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your résumé?"
The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"
How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?
You switch sides at half time.
The clinic asked me why I had written an incorrect blood type on my form
I told them it was Typo
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.
He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."
how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?
when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day
A man was invited to a wedding
When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises
Knowledge is knowing that papers are best written with alcohol and edited with caffeine.
Wisdom is realizing that this does not make a Jagerbomb a study tool
If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...
The solar system would need more planets for the title.
I've just written a song about replacing my front door lock
It's got a great key change at the end
My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...
She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"
I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it
But it only took me 5 months to finish it
Little Johnny was learning about punctuation
The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.
She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.
He asked: Why are periods so important?
The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?
Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself
A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...
He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.
The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!
A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination
The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.
The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name
Mickey called the police because someone had written "Mickey s**..." in u**... in the snow in front of Mickey's house.
The officer told Mickey,
"I've got some good news and I have some bad news."
"What's the good news?" Mickey asked.
"The good news is that we were able to identify whose u**... it was. It was Goofy's."
"How could the bad news be worse than that?"
"It was Minnie's handwriting."
Books written by criminals are so hard to reference
Everytime you quote it, it's out of context
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
A 7 year old girl
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " s**...: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at s**... that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.
Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.
One man pulled out a letter, cleared his t**..., and read,
"C, eh."
The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,
"N, eh."
This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,
"D, eh."
Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.
I guess the real joke is in the comets.
Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.
I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used to it, it's just miasma."
Prince Philip had a car accident and his Range Rover was written off.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**....
I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.
She replied, "Toes Go In First".
A man was invited to a wedding...
A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:
1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives
He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the men's door and found two doors again:
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and
He found himself outside the hotel.
I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...
"We only use the finest ingredients"
Braille
I once told a girl that her acne was so bad that it reminded me of Braille. I could tell she wasn't impressed, it was written all over her face.
Teacher came to Jack's desk
-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.
-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.
-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...
A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.
He says, What was that for!
She says, I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!
The man says, oh that's just the name of the horse I was going to bet on
A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game.
Wife walks into the living room and slaps him in the face again.
The man yells, what was that for!
She says, your horse just called...
A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud b**... on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "
What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"
(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with h**...?
A warthog.
What did the orange say to the door?
Mind if I squeeze in?
Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.
It's a miracle
A devout old shepherd lost his favorite Bible while he was out looking for a wayward lamb. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The shepherd couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, It's a miracle!
Not really, said the sheep. Your name is written inside the cover.
A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...
... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.
"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.
"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."
A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store
"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.
and oldie but a goodie
back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.
when his friend sent it back, he had written one word in the corner of the scroll "f**..." fuming, the monk stomped over to his friend's dwelling and demanded an explanation. to this his friend simply said "the seven winds could not move you, and yet a single f**... sends you all the way across the river"
Joke written by an AI
Disclaimer: The joke below was not created by me, or any human, but rather by an AI. I was curious to see if an AI could have a sense of humor.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After an hour of conversation, the woman says to the man, "Thank you for buying me these drinks all night but I am not going to sleep with you. I'm not that kind of girl." The man says, "I'm not that kind of guy. I have a wife and kids at home. I drink to forget my wife and kids at home."
Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it
That's bang out of order
A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...
After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"
The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."
The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"
The guy goes "I'm dyslexic so it's taking me a while to get through the 3rd paragraph."
The first mate on a ship rarely drinks
The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last night". He complained to the captain saying that it was very rare. The captain defended his entry saying that it was the truth, wasn't it? The next day the captain opened the ship's log, and the first mate had written, "The captain was able to stay sober last night."
An abderite sees an e**... alogside a woman
He asks him: "is this your wife?". The e**... answers: "eunuchs can't have wives".
"So is it your daughter?".
I browsed through Philogelos ("Love of Laughter") which is the oldest joke collection that has survived. It is written in ancient Greek. Also, it was pretty funny when I dicovered that an Abderite was used inside Greek's jokes as an archtype for an idiot (Abderia was a city in Thrace).
One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....
he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, It's a miracle!
Not exactly, said the horse. Your name is written inside.
Yo mamma is so old…
…that her social security number is written with Roman numerals.
When i have my first child I'm going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.
On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.
Time traveler talks to a mathematician
The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."
"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.
"Indeed! I studied it for my thesis."
The time traveler, then, goes on with his proof.
"Thank you, traveler, I wanted to take notes but right now I only have this book with a tiny margin."
I've written a very short poem about myself.
\*ahem\* Here it goes;
I
a man goes on a trip to a country he has never been on
The he goes to the supermarket and sees something he has never seen before: Matches.
So he buys a pack and sends them to his best friend with written instructions on how to use them.
When he is back home he talks to the friend and asks him about the matches.
The friend tells him: "I don't know man. I followed the instructions, but they did not work".
Then he says: "that's weird, I personally tested every single one of them".
A Book Series Never Written…
The Assignment Chronicles
* Book 1 written by Ken U. Duitt
* Book 2 written by Noah Kent
* Book 3 written by Nora Cannai
* Book 4 written by May Neether
* Book 5 written by Al Trayet
* Book 6 written by Cole Laktiv-Raleif
