Write Jokes

What are some Write jokes?

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."ο»Ώ

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

My neighbour owes me Β£500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me Β£500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the Β£1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only Β£500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?

He hates capitalism

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

Dear people who don't write capital letters,

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

I did an essay on The Room.

For school, I had to write an essay based on a film, so I decided to do it on "The Room". I think I did well, because I got a hi mark.

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?

P : my dad is still in the hospital.

T : wow, this must be serious.

*1 month later*

T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.

P : Indeed.

T: well, how come?

P : he's a doctor.

Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

Got an A on my paper...

Time to write the rest of it

Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

Because they hate Capitalism.

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.

(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.

Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."

I want to write a mystery novel.

Or Do I ?

Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time?

Or is that just stereotyping.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?

It's pointless

So I got a thesaurus for Christmas...

but it is nothing to write house about.

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.

There are 11 types of people

01- Those who understand binary

10- Those who don't

11- those who write bad jokes on binary

*I'll see myself out*

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

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