The Best 65 Write Jokes

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time?

Or is that just stereotyping.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

Got an A on my paper...

Time to write the rest of it

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

I want to write a mystery novel.

Or Do I ?

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

Because they hate Capitalism.

Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.

Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."

What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.

(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Dear people who don't write capital letters,

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I did an essay on The Room.

For school, I had to write an essay based on a film, so I decided to do it on "The Room". I think I did well, because I got a hi mark.

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho

Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?

He hates capitalism

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

A mentor of mine once told me

that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."

"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.

"But why?" the bartender asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, I'll direct.

DiCaprio says, I'll act.

McConaughey says, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

Why did Shakespeare write in ink?

Pencils were confusing to him. 2B or not 2B?

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB .

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?

I told a black man this morning I don't see color...

He told me that's nice, he still had to write me a ticket for running a red light.

Can you write with a tampon?

Only periodically.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks down and sees a spit with glowing coals warming up below him.

He screams for mercy and says You don't understand, I'm the chief editor of the New York Times!! .

The head cannibal replied, relax…

Soon you'll be the editor in chief…

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

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Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals."

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.

The former leaders says to him 'I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .

About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads 'blame all your problems on me'. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.

But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads 'sit down and write two letters'.

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

I heard your son in the university is quite an author. Does he write for money?

"Yes, in every letter."