Write Jokes

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time?

Or is that just stereotyping.

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a r**... thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some a**...'s got my pen."

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

So I got a thesaurus for Christmas...

but it is nothing to write house about.

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?

It's pointless

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a r**... thermometer

"Ugh, some a**...'s got my pen!"

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.
(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.

I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:
1. h**..., AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a s**....

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Dear people who don't write capital letters,

We're the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.

I hate when people don't leave a s**... note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"
Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"
Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

A mentor of mine once told me

that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like h**... need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

My wife said, Why don't you stop with your terrible jokes and write a book instead?

I said, That's .....a novel idea.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

I have a pen that can write underwater.

Friend: Wow really?!
Me: Yep. It can write other words, too.

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.
It would be a real Page-turner

A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.

He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, I'll direct.
DiCaprio says, I'll act.
McConaughey says, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB .

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes
\*\*\*
Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"
A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."
Q: "What about the third?"
A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals."

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

Why do Soviets always write in lower-case?

Because they hate Capitalism.

Clooney, Dicaprio, and McConaughey all want to put a movie together

Clooney says "I'll direct."
Dicaprio says "I'll act."
McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write."

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own g**... haiku." The nerve of some folks.

One day, Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg and Matthew McConaughey get together and decide to make a movie.

DiCaprio says "I'll act."
Spielberg says "I'll direct."
McConaughey says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."