Writ Jokes

What are some Writ jokes?

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

I'm writing a book about WD-40.

It's Non-Friction

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I want to write a mystery novel.

Or Do I ?

Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?

It's pointless

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winner was "Oh god I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it".

I've written a book about reverse psychology

Please don't buy it.

When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins.

Because you might not be able to differentiate between them.

Write a wise saying and your name will live on.

----Anonymous

I'm writing this from the hospital

Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There's a lovely key change at the end.

I've just written a song about tortillas

Actually, it's more of a rap.

I'm writing a book about Indian food...

It's gonna be a naan-fiction.

Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.

It's my P.S. de resistance.

How do you write 4 in between 5

f**IV**e

Why is 'dark' not written 'darc'?

Because you can't see in the dark

I'm writing a book about my time growing up as a shy young boy with irritable bowel syndrome...

... i've decided to call it 'Diarrhoea Of A Wimpy Kid'

I should write small jokes on a handful of coins

I will call them "cents of humor"

I came here to write jokes and waste your time

But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time

I've tried writing with a blunt pencil.

But it was pointless

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless



(I'll show myself out)

Being a writer is enjoyable...

But the job of editor is more rewording.

There was a writer named Wright / And Mary had a little sheep

There was a writer named Wright

He asked his son to write Wright right

He said ' Son, it is not right to write Wright as Rite

Try to to write Wright Aright'.

___________________________

Mary had a little sheep

And with that sheep she went to sleep

That sheep turned out to be a ram

Mary had a little lamb

I'm writing a book about introverts.

It's not coming out any time soon.

I've just written a song about replacing my front door lock

It's got a great key change at the end

In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated.

The night before you die, eat as many popcorn kernels as humanly possible.

I'm writing a book about getting work as a painter.

It's a primer for paint jobs.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

Im writing a book about WD-40

Its non-friction

I want to write a show called "Pun". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set.

It'll be a play on words.

I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.

It's a bark ode.

I'm writing a book about poets who have been jailed

It's called prose and cons

I'm writing a film about a cannibal undead tax exile who plays drums, eats your mother and then is sick.

It's a nondomtomtomnomnommomvomromzomcom

I like writing my eights on their sides.

It's infinitely better

Just write spaghetti

For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequels going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

I'm writing a script for a show called "Pun".

Pretty much, it's going to be a big Play on words.

I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class...

It's about thyme

Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.

Im writing my autobiography

"Oh nice!"

"Yea im planning on killing off the main character"

I want to write in my résumé how experienced I am in burning bridges...

...but I don't have anybody to use as a reference.

I was going to write a joke about the pentagon...

But I gave up when I couldn't find the right angle.

I can't write 51, 6, or 50 in Roman Numerals.

I'M LIVID!

I had to write an essay on plagiarism today

I couldn't think of anything so I just copied the guy sitting next to me

I'm writing a southern rock song about chicken eggs...

...it's called "Prebird"

I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror.

I know my wife would never think to look there.

When you're writing a letter to Heaven about how shocked you are that there is a new elk deity

Dear God,

Dear God...

Deer God.

I tried write a joke about the Zika virus... [OC]

...but couldn't come up with anything off the top of my head.

I was going to write a joke about Kim kardashian's orifices,

but they've all been done.

I was going to write a book about an x-axis and y-axis on a piece of graph paper.

But there was no plot.

I'm currently writing a screenplay about two Jedi knights who fall in love, only to discover that their midichlorians are killing them.

I'm calling it The Fault in Our Star Wars.

Where do you write down stuff you never wanna do?

NopePad.

What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

When writing a story about losing your virginity,

Its good to always put it in the first person

I once tried to write a book about my thoughts

But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note.

Writing "no hookups" on Tinder is like

going to PornHub for the ads.

How to write a paper at Moscow University:

1) Putin it off

2) Stalin it

3) And then Russian to finish it.

I was going to write something about Madame Tussauds Museum.

But I don't want to wax poetic.

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

Writing books is like prostitution!

First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.








Moliere

I keep trying to write a joke about the Kraft scandal...

...but they all end up too cheesy.

I just got done writing a book!

I think I have authoritis...

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

I'm going to write a book about adhesives.

It's going to be a griping tale about bonding, attachments, and a few sticky situations.

Why are writers really good at coding?

Because they are really into Pro grammar.

Can some one help me write my girlfriend a love letter?

Is buttcheek one word or are they spread apart?

I like to write lyrics in my spare time.

This led to me finding out my cousin was dyslexic when I messaged him asking if he would rate a rap and he responded by sexually molesting a rodent.

How do you write a paper with just your pencil?

With a good point

I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites.

It's called Fake Newsies.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

I've written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It's called Bob's Burqas.

i'm writing a book on overcoming foot pain

it's called the agony of defeat

Who writes the most but keeps it short?

Lawyers. The only people who can write a 10,000 word document and call it brief.

I'm writing an erotic novel featuring tea and pastries.

I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

I was going to write a book about Existential Nihilism...

But then I realized that it doesn't even matter.

I'm writing a children's book about a female otter that goes to college.

It's called Alma Otter's alma mater.

I'm writing a movie, its about an hour

FADE IN:

INT. CLOCK FACE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi....



I've only written the first two lines so far.

I'm writing a story about a Pirate who sells corn...

It's about a buccaneer.

So I want to write a letter to a deer...

I just don't know how to start it off!

What is written on Ronald McDonald's gravestone?

McRIP

I'm writing a TV show about a girl named Abigail who moves to the big city

It's called Downtown Abbie.

I'm a writer

My pen name is Bic

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