Wound Jokes

52 wound jokes and hilarious wound puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wound that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Ready for a good laugh? Check out this collection of jokes about wound care, fangs, axes, stab wounds and more. Learn the funniest jokes about wound nurses and why gauze and a tight wrap might quicken your healing process.

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Funniest Wound Short Jokes

Short wound jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wound humour may include short injured jokes also.

  1. Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
  2. Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day. It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound
  3. Wound you be rich if you had 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? Of course you would, you'd have 100 sows and bucks
  4. Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.
  5. I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills! .... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.
  6. A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.
  7. My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil
  8. I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me. Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.
  9. My grandfather was killed when a book case fell on top of him. The doctor said he died of shelf-inflicted wounds.
  10. What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice.

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Wound One Liners

Which wound one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wound? I can suggest the ones about hurt and heal.

  1. What do you call a small wound? A shortcut.
  2. My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds"..... So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.
  3. I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said "suture self"
  4. What's the best herbal remedy for cuts and scrapes? Thyme. It heals all wounds
  5. Why doesn't Achilles have any scars? His wounds always heel.
  6. What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound? An ambulance
  7. What do you call a Mexican golfer with a gunshot wound? Hole in Juan.
  8. A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts.
  9. my therapist said time heals all wounds So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
  10. The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme... It heals all wounds.
  11. What's more memorable than a passionate kiss? A stab wound
  12. You know what they say about herbal medicine... Thyme heals all wounds.
  13. Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it.
  14. The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them In the end, time wounds all heels.
  15. I knew that Achilles would die eventually After all, time wounds all heels.

Wound joke, I knew that Achilles would die eventually

Cheerful Fun Wound Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about wound you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tumor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wound pranks.

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!

A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.

"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"
The doctor says; "sure, suture self"

An elderly woman's husband dies

and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service p**... to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.

Pull over

An old woman was driving and knitting on the motorway. She was serving across the lanes when a police car overtook her flashing all the lights.
As it drew level a policeman wound down his window and shouted to her "Pull over!".
"No" she shouted back. "Pair of socks!"

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to s**....
Doctor: you shot your finger for s**...?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady.

I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, "Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law."
"And what?" they replied.
"And she's still moving."

He only had a dollar...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures?
His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on he wound up with buck teeth.

My better half said period jokes aren't clever

So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.

How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound?

The answer's irrelevant as they all s**... at it anyway.

Back off, doc. I'll close this wound.

Suture self.

We lost a brave soldier today, died from a fatal wound to the aorta...

But he did not die in vein.

A doctor walks up to his girlfriend...

He says, We're breaking up! He then proceeds to insult her.
Why are you being so rude? She asks, hurt.
In medicine, you always burn a wound to make sure it never opens again, He replies.

I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

spark flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having s**... right then and there!
Gosh I love my new taser

I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound

My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

Hey dad, how did you meet mom?

Well son I was at a party and someone bet me to jump off the roof next thing I know there was a beautiful nurse tending to my wound
Oh so that was mom
No, she was the one I landed on

I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the u**.....

At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated
My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.
But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation
Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.
The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.
Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies Because thyme heals all wounds.

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your n**...". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

Car for Sale

p**... wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn't get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later p**... was talking to Mickey again, 'How'd you get on sellin the car p**...?' He asked his friend.
'I didn't sell it in the end' he said. 'Why not?' asked Mickey. 'Well I wound it back like you said, and when I'd finished sure there was only 12,000 miles on the clock, so I decided to keep it'

What does the Bacteria's recruitment agency say when it sees a fresh wound?

Hello guys, there are openings.

I heard a joke today

Jack: I stood under my girlfriend's window and sang a love song to her. She threw me a flower.
Danny: then why is there a wound on your head?
Jack: she forgot to take the flowers out of the p**...

a joke translated from turkish

Once upon a time there was a pit in a village, people used to wound themselves from falling into the pit. 3 elders of the village unite to a find a solution to this pit.
First one says that we should place an ambulance next to the pit, that way people will get to the hospital faster
Second one says that we should build a hospital next to the pit that way it will be even faster
Before the third one could talk Chad jumps in and says "y'all are idiots why don't we fill this pit up and dig one up next to the hospital.

My friend had to go get a wound stitched

I told him to get well sewn.

Wound joke, Wound you be rich if you had 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

jokes about wound