The Best 43 Wound Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Wound jokes. There are some wound sore jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wound blood puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Wound Jokes and Puns

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a urine sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!

A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.

"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"

The doctor says; "sure, suture self"

Wound joke, A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.

An elderly woman's husband dies

and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service pistol to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.

Pull over

An old woman was driving and knitting on the motorway. She was serving across the lanes when a police car overtook her flashing all the lights.

As it drew level a policeman wound down his window and shouted to her "Pull over!".
"No" she shouted back. "Pair of socks!"


I cut my thumb chopping onions...

...in such a way as to make applying appropriate pressure difficult. I made my way to the ER. They weren't busy, so the doctor came over to dress my wound. I expressed frustration over my lack in first aid and the persistent crimson flow. In a matter-of-fact tone, he reassured me, "Don't worry; all of my patients stop bleeding eventually."

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Wound joke, Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady.

I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, "Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law."

"And what?" they replied.

"And she's still moving."

He only had a dollar...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures?
His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him...so he wound up with buck teeth.

You can explore wound fangs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wound gash dad jokes. There are also wound puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment?

It won't get better if you picket it.

What kind of injury results from having an omega-3 bottle thrown at your head?

A super-fish-oil wound

Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day.

It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound

My better half said period jokes aren't clever

So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.

I bought a new lock for my bedroom door

Wound up getting half off when it didn't work.

Wound joke, I bought a new lock for my bedroom door

How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound?

The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway.

Do you know what really Sucks?

An open chest wound

Back off, doc. I'll close this wound.

Suture self.


My horse broke it's leg and my dad told me to shoot it...

Now my horse has a broken leg and a gunshot wound.

Thanks Dad, those medical bills are gonna go through the roof.

Look at wounds while they heal...

Is just like watching pain dry.

What's more memorable than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound

We lost a brave soldier today, died from a fatal wound to the aorta...

But he did not die in vein.

An old woman calls the doctor, and ask him where's the heart, the doctor tells her that its next to the nipple.

She came with a gut wound

What do you call a Mexican golfer with a gunshot wound?

Hole in Juan.

A doctor walks up to his girlfriend...

He says, We're breaking up! He then proceeds to insult her.

Why are you being so rude? She asks, hurt.

In medicine, you always burn a wound to make sure it never opens again, He replies.

I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

Our newborn son was circumcised. Seeing how bad the wound looks, we are worried

he is not going to get ahead in life

I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound

My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

Hey dad, how did you meet mom?

Well son I was at a party and someone bet me to jump off the roof next thing I know there was a beautiful nurse tending to my wound
Oh so that was mom
No, she was the one I landed on

I got in an argument with my wife last night and she threw a bottle of omega 3's at my head.

I'm OK. It was a super fishy oil wound.

Before Surgery my brother had to get 4 shots into him

He died of the gun wound

What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?

An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.

My poor cat

My poor cat got a really bad wound while he was out hunting. I took him to the vet to have his wound caterized.

I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal..

At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation

Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me

A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound.

Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.

What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound?

An ambulance

I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound.

He said "suture self"

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies Because thyme heals all wounds.

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your nipple". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

Car for Sale

Paddy wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn't get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later Paddy was talking to Mickey again, 'How'd you get on sellin the car Paddy?' He asked his friend.
'I didn't sell it in the end' he said. 'Why not?' asked Mickey. 'Well I wound it back like you said, and when I'd finished sure there was only 12,000 miles on the clock, so I decided to keep it'

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wound medic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working wound jugular piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes