Would Rather Jokes
94 would rather jokes and hilarious would rather puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about would rather that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Would Rather Short Jokes
Short would rather jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The would rather humour may include short prefer jokes also.
- If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
- I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually
- Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
- The average woman would rather be beautiful, than
smart ...because the average man can see better than he can think - I would rather hug an erupting volcano than run away from it. 'cause I' m a lava, not a hata'!
- A blonde was in a hotel The waiter knocked on the door and asked if she wanted coffee in bed?
The blonde answered "Well, I would rather have it in a cup" - I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.
- I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.
- A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar 'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid.
'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.' - The first rule of Condescending Club is really rather complex and I doubt you would understand it even if I explained it to you with diagrams.
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Would Rather One Liners
Which would rather one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with would rather? I can suggest the ones about wished and wanting.
- I would hate to have a gay dad I would rather have two
- If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
- Death asked me if I wanted to hang around. I told him I would rather shoot myself.
- Would you rather clime a rope, or the stairs? I prefer the ladder.
- Why do calendars never get married? Because they would rather date.
- I once knew a guy who would always use periods rather than commas. He was a peri-od dude.
- Would you rather Would you rather be told how you will die or when you will die?
- What would you rather be or a wasp?
- What do you call someone who would rather make war than peace? A Flower Plower
- Would you rather have $5 dollars OR... Have your favorite WNBA team win the championship
- What would you rather bea or wasp?
- Who would Chun li rather date between ryu and ken? None. They are both gay lovers.
- Which would you rather have? A baby or dinner? Why not both??
- I would rather cuddle then have s**.... If your good with grammar you'll get it.
Howlingly Hilarious Would Rather Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about would rather you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wanna jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make would rather pranks.
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.
Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.
The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...
And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
I would rather have a puppy!!
A little boy and his dad are walking down the street when they see two dogs having s**.... The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy. "
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having s**.... The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead ! "
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Which rapper would you rather bring back from the dead?
- Tupac
- Biggie Smalls
- Eazy E
- Meek Mills
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...
...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?
She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?
No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher
How do you feel about s**...?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder...
He chose the latter.
Why do people prefer male bovine over female?
Many would rather be served a Sir l**... than a Miss Steak.
How many factory farmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they would rather keep you in the dark!
It would be rather appropriate to die during s**....
We come *into* this world n**... and screaming...
The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]
Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"
Son: "No."
D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."
S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."
Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.
What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels...
At least the elephants you could reason with
Jewish Joke
Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".
Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?
I'd rather spend that £2 on a c**... to prevent a kid's life.
My wife said to me, "Would you rather have s**... with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?"
I said, "Yes."
A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.
How many white teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb
...none they would rather sit in the dark
(im white teenage and mean no harm in this joke)
Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.
This means that at a f**..., more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-j**... Seinfeld
I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition...
I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.
On His Deathbed
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I can't believe you're doing this. said his friend. For your entire life you're been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because I'd rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.
A man is served whiskey on a flight
A man is served whiskey on a flight.
The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?
Priest: I would rather be r**... by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips
The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?
I replied I would rather compete against o**... than the whole world
There once was a poet named Stan...
...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can!"
An Irish man and a m**... sat next to each other on a plane.
The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.
The flight attendant asks the m**...:
"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"
The m**... responds:
"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen w**... than have alcohol touch my lips."
The Irish man interrupts saying:
"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."
A concerned wife goes to her husband...
"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."
He inquiries as to why she thinks this. Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.
"Well, I caught her m**...."
"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"
"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."
Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.
This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.
My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court
The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".
In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.
But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.
A priest asked me, "Who would you rather fight: God or me?"
I said God because the priest actually exists
Cupid would be a more believable character...
...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love
Better to have Parkison's than Alzheimer
I would rather drop a bit of my beer than forget to drink it!
John and Peter talk about what's better
Peter: If it were to happen, would you want to have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
John: Parkinson's, of course.
Peter: Why is that?
John: I'd rather spill some wiskey than forget where I put the bottle.
Would you rather ski down a hill in the French Alps...
...or run down a slope in your car?
Met a girl that's into horoscopes
Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.
Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?
Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T
Me : Congratulations you're an Aries.
When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak
So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"
Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?
What's a matter baby?
Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?
My girlfriend asked me, Would you rather have s**... with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?
I said, Of course.
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet
I was gonna keep it rather than return it.
But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in the 80s - I really loved it and wanted to share it here
Why was the asylum warden an alcoholic?
Because, as he would say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
A fathom is a unit of length equivalent to 6 feet, so not respecting social distance would be rather...
...unfathomable.
An Irishman and a m**... sat next to each other on a plane.
The irishman immediately asked the stewardess for a whiskey. The stewardess served him his whiskey and asked the m**... if he would like a drink too.
The m**... replied that he would rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch his lips.
The irishman hurriedly handed back his whiskey and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
70% of Brits would rather eat a nice meal in a restaurant than have s**....
That's because they worry it might disturb the people at the next table.
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Sure, I rather have Parkinson's , replied Sean
'Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!
An Irishman and a m**... are seated next to each other on a plane...
The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.
No no no, says the m**.... I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested w**... than to let alcohol touch my lips.
The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.
One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10
And the whole world was ok with it.
Dozen it seem weird?
A man calls the National Security Agency...
Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?
Agent: No sir, we don't do that
Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!
Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....
I've learned that restaurants in denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.
Something about five customers being better than one.
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street
A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck.
The boy responded:
"But if I did that, then I wouldn't have a siren."
A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.
A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.
The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.
When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"
And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"
My wife said to me If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
Action Composers
All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.
Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart.
Statham: I'm rather partial to Beethoven myself.
Jet Li: Chopin!
Everyone having had their turn they turn to Schwarzeneggar who is straight up not interested in the project.
Arnold: No! This is a dumb movie.
Everyone: Come on...
Arnold: Fine! I'll be Bach.
Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?
A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.
The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.
The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to share any of my money if it doesn't work out.
The scientist says I'd rather have both. When asked why the scientist replied, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress and the mistress thinks I'm with the wife but really I'm in the lab working!
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
Tongue anyone?
A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I'd rather die.
Without expression, the waiter said Then how about an egg?
Death has come to collect Beethoven's soul and asked him if he would rather go to heaven or to h**.... Beethoven replied:
*What?*
A wife says to her husband, "Have a gained to much weight since we met?"
The husband honestly answers, "Oh, maybe just a fraction more than I'd like." The wife asks, "I thought so too. How *much* of a fraction?" The husband again answers honestly, "I'd rather not say. It would be improper."
A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.
The dentist looks and says "you have a bad tooth we are going to have to pull it"
The lady says "I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled"
The dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair"
An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...
"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't think so." The frog says"Dont you want a beautiful woman?"
The old man responds "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."
