Worth Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

An Apple store near where I live got robbed

$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Never hit a man with eyeglasses

Use your fist instead.

>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.

How to have $1 Million worth of Crypto Currencies

Start off with $2 Million

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

I've always stood up for black people...

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

A woman will appear on the $10 bill!!

It will be the first $10 bill to be worth $7.50

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

There are 2 types of people

1. Those who are worth mentioning

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

Tequila may not be the answer...

...but it's worth a shot.

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

Met a girl in the park...

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.



These taser guns are well worth the money.

Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke)

The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.

I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems...

But it's worth a shot.

You are never worthless

Organs go for a lot on the black market.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

I don't know if liqour is the answer

But it's worth a shot

Pay me what I'm worth!

I once asked my boss for a raise.
He asked me how much I wanted.
"Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?

He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many!

I met a beautiful girl in the park.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars

But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion

To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it

I just ate some pasta...

...and it was worth every Penne.

^(My god, that must be the worst joke I've ever written.)

A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.

OK, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first, the man replied.

Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.

Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthusiastically. "You've made my day. Now, what is the bad news?

The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.

At age 12, I started responding, "Twelving like a pro." whenever someone asked me what I was up to.

Growing older, I've begun to wonder if the payoff will really be worth it by age 69.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

Dean of Women...

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?

Fat people are harder to kidnap

But skinny people are worth less at the meat market

At an Irish wedding...

...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:

"You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds:

"How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?"

"No."

"Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?"

"I didn't."

"Then how can your house be worth more than mine?!", the lawyer cries.

"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."

A picture worth millions

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin?

Countdown

This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"





Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."



The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..



And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."

I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

What are the funniest worth jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Worth? Well, here are the best Worth puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Worth pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes