worth Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious worth stories

What are the best Worth puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Worth? Well here is a complete list of Worth dad jokes:

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?


How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.


After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it


Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.


Never hit a man with eyeglasses

Use your fist instead.

>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.


2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!


A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"


A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."


Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke)

The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.


The best joke I've ever heard from a teacher

The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot. He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns to go back into his office, when a student runs up to him, paper in hand.

"Professor, professor!" The student says. "I'm so sorry. Please, I'm only a few seconds late, will you make an exception just this once?"

"Sorry," says the professor. "I was very clear about the deadline for this assignment."

The student gets angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

"No..." says the professor.

"Good!" the student says, and shoves his work into the stack of papers and runs off.


A male dumb blond joke.

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!" The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker." Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car" he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blond, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber." I have to laugh every time I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"


At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled...

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


What is wrong with the soup?

A man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in-front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
The waiter said; 'Is it something wrong with the soup?'
The man said; 'Just taste the soup!'
The waiter said; ' You haven't even touched the soup so how do you know it is something wrong with it?'
The waiter said; 'OK THEN.......Where is the Spoon?'
The man Said; 'Aha!'

:) It is a really old post-war joke, but I thought it was worth sharing.


I met a beautiful girl in the park.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."


Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.


A trucker was driving down the highway...

... when he came upon a bridge. On the railing was a woman, who appeared as if she was about to jump off. The trucker stopped, ran up to the woman and yelled, "No! Don't do this! It's not worth it!" The woman replied, "You can't stop me! One more step closer and I'm jumping for sure!" The trucker thought for a second, "Well if I can't stop you, would you at least give me a blowjob? I haven't been laid in forever." The woman consents and does the deed. Immediately when it's over, the trucker says, "Now that is skill! Why would you commit suicide and keep all that skill from the world?" The jumper said, "I'm jumping because my parents kicked me out for dressing like a woman."


The flat chested wife

A wife was looking in the mirror and contemplating on getting breast implants.

She asks her husband, "Honey, my breasts are sooo small. What would you say if I wanted to get breast implants?"

Her husband chuckles and replies, "You should try rubbing toilet paper in-between your breasts and see if that helps."

After a few weeks of doing this, distraught, the wife said to her husband, "Dear, I've been doing this for weeks and it doesn't seem to have done ANYTHING!"

To which the husband replies, "Well, it was worth a shot, it's done wonders for your ass since I've met you!"


I just ate some pasta...

...and it was worth every Penne.

^(My god, that must be the worst joke I've ever written.)


A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.

OK, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first, the man replied.

Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.

Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthusiastically. "You've made my day. Now, what is the bad news?

The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.



A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they could not decide what to do about it.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."


Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.


Dean of Women...

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?


At an Irish wedding...

...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.


"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."


What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin?


This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.


For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.


Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...


Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give you your name I would do anything she asks for the rest of our lives"
"Was it worth it, dad."
"It sure was, Goku."


Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


Irish Wedding Reception

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who made your life worth living..."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death


My legendary Manhattan joke

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, I'll have 12 manhattans."

The bartender replies, "Comin' right up, sir!"

Shortly after he makes the 6 or 7th Manhattan the bartender asks, "So are you celebrating anything special?"

The man replies, "I sure am. I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

The bartender says, "Hell yeah man, that is definitely something worth celebrating! Would you like an extra Manhattan on the house?"

The man replies, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think 13 will."


So a man dies and goes to Heaven...

In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.

God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."

The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"

To which God tells him, "In a minute."

My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.


My mate Paddy called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth Β£600 each."

"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "If they're worth Β£600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"


Little Billy

One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"


What concert is worth 45 cents?

50 cent with Nickelback


Change of Plans!

This little boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom, so he decided to investigate. He nudged the door slowly forward and as he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad screwing for all they were worth.

"Dad! Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"

"It's OK son", replied his father, "Your mother wants to have another baby, that's all."

The little boy was immediately excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, so he went straight back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees sucking furiously on his father's penis.

"Dad! Dad!", he shouted, "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there's been a slight change in plans," his dad replied. "Now she wants a BMW."


Daddy, why do you do all the work around here?

A young child kept noticing that at his home his dad always seemed to do all the house-work, and his mother did nothing. It was his dad that fixed the meals, shopped for groceries, cleaned the house etc.

Finally, one day, the son goes up to his father and asks him, "Daddy, why do you do all the work around here?"

His dad replies "Well, when you were born, I had a deal with your mother. For my part of the deal, I have to do all the work around here."

"So, what was her part of the deal? Was it worth all the effort that you put in everyday?"

"Ofcourse it was worth the effort, Goku, ofcourse it was."


Rabbit is running through the forest...

when he sees Fox rolling a joint."Don't do drugs, Fox" Rabbit says. "Come jog with me instead and enjoy life for what it is." Fox has a sudden clarity that her drug indulgence is not worth it, so she starts running with Rabbit.
Running together they see Bear getting his crack pipe ready.
"Bear, don't smoke crack dude!" Rabbit says. "That shit is bad for you! Come jog with us instead."
Bear joins Fox and Rabbit in their healthy life.
Running through the forest, they see Raccoon filling a syringe up with some grade A heroin, ready to fill his fury veins with heavenly juice.
"Raccoon man!" Rabbit says. "Why would you do this to yourself? Stop shooting up heroin and come run with...."
Without even letting Rabbit finish, Raccoon takes out his gat and pops the nigga in the face! Dead!
Fox and Bear freak the fuck out! "Why the fuck would you do that to Rabbit? He changed our lives and made us stop doing drugs!"
Raccoon proceeds sticking the needle in his vein and says "I just hate it when that fucker is on ecstasy."


Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey?

A few billion dollars worth of improvements


A Man Walks into a bar with an Octopus... (Kind of long, worth it though)

He sits down at the bar placing the octopus next to him. The bartender walks over and says

"Hey you, can't have that octopus in here"

The man says "This Octopus right here is the band, he can play ANY instrument you give him"

Bartender says "ALright and hands the Octopus a guitar, The octopus starts sheredding and does an amazing job. The Bartender then hands him a Bass, once again the octopus does amazing. The bartender then stands there thinking for a few minutes, looks over at the octopus and says

"Alright octopus, I got an instrument that I garauntee you wont be able to play" and hands him Bag pipes.

After about 3 minutes of the Octopus, examining the instruement very confused he looks up at the bartender...

Bartender goes "Ha! I knew i'd get you with this one, you don't know how to play it, do you?"

Octopus Replies "Well, no I'm gonna fuck it once I get its Pajamas off"


At an Irish wedding, someone said,

"Would all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death.


So, I bought a bull...

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but... …they kind of taste like peppermint.


Sex is like...

Sex is like math. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, leave your solution, and pray you didn't multiply.

Sex is like air. You don't know what it's worth until you're not getting any.


My boss caught me looking at porn during work today.

He didn't get angry though, instead he decided to give me a handjob for all my hard work.

And to think, they all said being your own boss wasn't worth it.


My uncle always said "One in the hand is worth two in the bush."

He died a virgin.


This is not a joke, just wanted to say this.

A repost means nothing other than a Joke worth re-telling.


Ethics done right

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"


Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)


Dream Big

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."


When is the best time to have diarrhea?

During scrabble. Because it's worth a shitload of points.
- Zach Galifianakis



You've red some of the best worth jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about worth. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty worth gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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