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Worst Jokes

142 worst jokes and hilarious worst puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about worst that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Worst Short Jokes

Short worst jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The worst humour may include short worse jokes also.

  1. Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
  2. My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
  3. The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup line... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
  4. My brother just broke the record by downing 22 Russian jets in Ukraine He'll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force
  5. Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
  6. My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
  7. Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ? The ICU
  8. Worst Geometry Joke I Know When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?
    When it is intercepted by a plane.
  9. My boss said to me, You're the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year? I said, I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.
  10. My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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Worst One Liners

Which worst one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with worst? I can suggest the ones about ugliest and awful.

  1. Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.
  2. Why is 6.9 the worst number? It's a 69 interrupted by a period
  3. Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
  4. Break ups are the worst in China... You see her face everywhere.
  5. What's the worst thing to say to a hipster? You remind me of someone
  6. What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam? 2 hands on your shoulders
  7. Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts." Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."
  8. I just had my first prostate examination Worst dentist ever.
  9. What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
  10. Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU.
  11. What's the worst thing about Austria? I don't know, but the flag is a big minus.
  12. What's the worst part about being gay? You cant think straight.
  13. The worst part about an apple addiction… Is that you can't go and see a doctor about it
  14. one direction fans are the worst. oscillating fans are so much more convenient.
  15. What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? Getting hit by Rice

Worst Nightmare Jokes

Here is a list of funny worst nightmare jokes and even better worst nightmare puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a gay crocodile's worst nightmare? Gatoraids.
  • What's a lemons worst nightmare? Lemonaids
  • What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare? A monster coming out of the closet
  • I feel bad for Anne Frank She had her diary published for all the world to read, which is every girl's worst nightmare!
    And she didn't get paid for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
  • I feel sorry for Anne Frank... First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
  • What's a cucumber farmers worst nightmare? Squatters.
  • So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge. Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.
  • What's a paralympian's worst nightmare? Testing positive for WD-40
  • What is a minimalist's worst nightmare? A mansion.
  • What's a whale's worst nightmare? Being compared to Amy Schumer

Absolute Worst Jokes

Here is a list of funny absolute worst jokes and even better absolute worst puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm an Anti-vax and I don't care what you think. They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson all the way for me!
  • My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.
    One says lemons are the absolute best.
    Both call them "sublime."
  • Isn't it just the worst when you see absolute dirty beggars, begging for upvotes? Upvote if you agree!!
  • The absolute worst flavor mint... has to be a condiment.
  • I must have had the worst nightmare ever Everything was absolutely perfect and completely peaceful. It was almost like it wasn't even trying.
  • What's the absolute worst city to live in? An atroCITY.
  • People that over-exaggerate are the absolute worst.
  • Have you heard of the guy who caught the absolutely worst cold ever? Now he's 0K
  • My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it. It suffers from p**... evacuation.
Worst joke, My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

Worst Depression Jokes

Here is a list of funny worst depression jokes and even better worst depression puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Being in a state of depression is one of the worst place to find yourself. But at least it's not Mississippi.
  • Depression... Me: Depression is the worst. I just want to sleep all day, I've been eating the same thing for every meal, life has lost its color—
    My dog: oh my God, I have depression
  • I had the worst audience participation at my concert That's the last time I sing If You're Happy and You Know It at a depression treatment facility.
  • You wouldn't wish depression on your worst enemy Or would you. If they are your worst enemy depression ain't that bad of a wish
  • What's the worst part of being a hurricane? You will inevitably fall into a deep tropical depression before ceasing to exist forever.
  • What's the worst thing to say to a person with depression? Don't be depressed

Literally The Worst Jokes

Here is a list of funny literally the worst jokes and even better literally the worst puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans. Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
  • I hate hyperbole It's literally the worst thing in the world.
  • What's the worst gift to give to a Jewish person on Christmas? Literally anything.
  • I am literally the worst at self-deprecation I came up with it all by myself!
  • "Grammar n**... are literally the worst." "No, actual n**... are literally the worst."
Worst joke, "Grammar n**... are literally the worst."

Hilarious Worst Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about worst you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shittiest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make worst pranks.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

What's the worst thing about a woman's p**...?

Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

What is a pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest and no b**....

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of s**... I've ever seen"

I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between h**... and the Boston b**...?
One of them actually ended a race.

The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

My wife: "vacation s**... really is the best!"

Worst postcard I ever received.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

30 people walk into a bar

This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen

Maybe every nation has ninjas

And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?

The worst case of s**... he's ever seen.

What's the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."

You know the punchline before you're ever told the joke.

What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

I dropped my cactus the other day

Worst part is, I caught it

What is a s**... b**... worst fear?

Dying alone!

I was called the worst best man once

I was speechless.

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.

The worst part of gay couples adopting kids

The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.

Good, Bad, Worse, Worst.

Good: A hot girl hugs you.
Bad: You get an e**....
Worse: You realize it's not yours.
Worst: Now even you get an e**....

Japan's worst kamikaze pilot

He flew over 25 missions

What is the worst your wife can say during s**...?

"Honey, I'm home"

20 men walk into a bar

Worst game of limbo I've ever seen.

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no b**....

What's the worst way to break up with a blind person?

I think we should see other people

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he'll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

I bought the worst thesaurus today

Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she's pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Hey, bug on my back, asked a fly. Are you a mite?

I mite be, giggled the mite.
The fly groaned. That's the worst joke I've ever heard!
Well, what did you expect? said the mite. I came up with it on the fly.

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

My boss just said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture....

I have a hunch its me.

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks
"I *mite* be", giggles the mite
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly
"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

The punchline comes before the joke

You know what the worst thing about time travel jokes is?

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I b**... everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered

^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the b**...?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a woman endures during birth." "Pure logic," the bartender replies. "You never see a man deciding two years later to go out and get kicked in the b**... again ..."

Worst joke, What hurts the worst?

jokes about worst