Worry Jokes
154 worry jokes and hilarious worry puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about worry that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Worry Short Jokes
Short worry jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The worry humour may include short fret jokes also.
- My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad arnold schwarzenegger references, but don't worry... I'll return
- This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
- I told my wife I'm going cool myself to -273.15 degree C. She has nothing to worry about, I'll be 0K
- After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
- The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York... ... because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
- How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists? Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.
- A woman in labour suddenly shouts out "wouldn't, couldn't, didn't, can't" "Don't worry", the doctor replies, "they're just contractions".
- Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me... Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
- Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
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Worry One Liners
Which worry one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with worry? I can suggest the ones about scare and anxiety.
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- A chemist accidentally froze himself at -273.15C Don't worry though, he's 0K
- How do you offend an American? Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.
- I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
- How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
- I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.
- I froze myself to -273.1 degrees Celcius... My friends were worried, but I'll be 0K
- If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry.. You have the rest of your life to fix it.
- Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C My friends are worried, but ill be 0K
- My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C Don't worry though, he's 0K.
- I have a temperature of -273.15°C Don't worry. I'm 0K
- I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers..... It's a dying movement.
- So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.
- Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
- My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
Worry Happy Jokes
Here is a list of funny worry happy jokes and even better worry happy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'd like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day! …and make all the Americans panic.
(It's Mother's Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.) - When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I said... "Don't worry. Lots of single mums have happy lives."
- Why were Adam and Eve so happy? They didn't have to worry about in-laws
- Mom, I am very worried... Mom, I am very worried, I have lost 3 kg.
- But that are great news, You should be very happy.
Yeah, Say it to my Colombian *friends* - Happy New year America! from your friend Australia. Don't worry I expect it'll take about 18 or so hours for you to get this.
- Nobody has to worry about me killing myself. I don't deserve to be that happy.
- My wife said, "When I die, I want everyone at my f**... to be happy, not sad and depressed." I said, "Don't worry. They will be."
Comedy Worry Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about worry you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean concerned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make worry pranks.
I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
One day after s**..., my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
The Horse and the Chicken
One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.
"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"
The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.
"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"
The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my w**...!"
"What?!?"
"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."
How do you find a vegan at your dinner party?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question.
"Can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"See I told you not to worry!!!!"
So I have this friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid...
but he tells me not to worry, he can stop anytime he wants.
I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...
The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
Cheating Partner
A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
So a doctor has s**... with one of his patients...
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have s**... with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
A Foot And A Half
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a v**.... So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
2 parrots
A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"
A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...
He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"
The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"
"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a v**... Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.
Did you hear about the guy addicted to eating salt?
Don't worry, he was cured.
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
A fat woman just served me at McDonalds...
... and said "Sorry about the wait". I replied and said "Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually".
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
Two blondes walk into a bar
The first one says "Don't worry, I didn't see it either".
I'm writing this from the hospital
Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Turned on women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury
Don't worry I'll be fine
Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?
You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Worry not confederate flag supporters! You may have lost the battle...
But you haven't lost the w- oh right.
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
I was having s**... with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday
I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.
We should just name hurricanes after politicians.
That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.
A man is at his doctor ...
... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.
I'm s**... attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.
But don't worry. It's safe s**....
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.
I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."
Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work
don't worry, he's fully recovered
Don't worry if you missed 4/20
Because today is 4/20 too!
The baby
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…
Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault.
A child walks in on his dad...
... while he was m**.... The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
A boy walks in on his dad m**......
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."
A hat and a tie are out running
The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."
A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her
Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.
"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"
Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:
"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."
Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.
Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...
...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.
So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!
Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.
What do you call an Italian Jedi?
Obi Wan Cannoli.
Don't worry, I'll see myself out.
I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants
Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard
But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.
I love dating blind girls
You don't have to worry about them seeing other people.
I know that I'm paranoid.
But I worry that I may not be paranoid enough.
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
When I was a kid, I found a bottle of v**... someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.
The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.
Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh don't worry about me I'll just sit here in the dark. It's not like I need light to sit here all alone by myself.
2 guys are hiding a bomb under a car.
Guy 1 - What if the bomb goes off while we're still under the car.
Guy 2 - Don't worry, I've got a second one in my backpack.
Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.
The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew
The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
Dont worry, everything is ok
A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, SHOULDN'T, WOULDN'T, COULDN'T, CAN'T
Don't worry, said the doctor.
Those are just contractions
I was having a prostate exam...
Me:*squirms
Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an e**... at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.
The swordfish has only one predator to worry about.
The penfish.
Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."
After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."
So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?
Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"
The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild,
Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.
The Mexicans are really angry about the wall.
Don't worry, they'll get over it
Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...
As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.
If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.
You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.
A friend asked me if I would ever kill myself.
I said: Don't worry, it would be the last thing I'd do.