Worn Jokes

Speaking of scotsmen, I asked one if anything is worn under the kilt...

He said "Nay ya wee bairn, everything's in fine an' workin' order!"

Relationships are a progression of 4 rings.

First is the "Friendship" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment
Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married.
Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends.
Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.

A Father and Son were hard at work on their farm...

The Son dragged a h**... out of the shed and began working the field. He noticed that the h**... looked very old and worn out. It was practically falling apart, so he asked his Father "How long do you think this h**... will last?" His Father took one look at the h**... and shrugged. "I guess it depends on how much you pay her."

My Dad never loved me as a child

I should have worn more provocative clothing.

For Sale: Fitbit, never worn.

My dad was literally trying to kill me when he brought me my first car.

It had all sort of problems gas leak, worn tires but mostly it was cheap so that he could use the rest of his money to put a hit on me.

TINY BIKINI

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

A nun goes to confession....

A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn p**... under my dress for about 3 years ".
The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".

Judge Scalia should have worn Nikes

He would have ruled the court.

I once met Bruce Willis

I once met Bruce Willis at a fancy dress party. He was wearing a really shabby looking nun outfit. I was told that he'd worn the same costume to every fancy dress party he'd attended for years. I suppose old habits die hard.

I found a strange old coin with the faces worn away...

I can't make heads or tails of it.

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a h**... and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her with a blank face:
"Man, can't anyone cut me a break?"

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."

Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...

He looked thoroughly worn out.
"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."

My belt was looking a bit worn so I bought a new one..

I hope it holds up.

A lady walks up to a Scot...

A lady walks up to a Scot wearing a kilt and asks... 'Is anything worn under the kilt?'
'No', he said. 'It's all in perfect condition'.

I'll never forget this solar eclipse, it'll forever be seared into my mind...

...and retinas. I really should've worn some glasses.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"
"Yeah, that was it"
"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"
"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

Did you hear about the man who made a belt out of clocks for a giant?

It took him 2 years to make and looked terrible when worn.
It was a huge waist of time.

Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."
Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."
Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."
Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."

What smells of mothballs?

The underpants worn by male moths.

The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like and tie and returns to the doorman.
The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

A jewish father was on his death bed with his family around him...

He whispered
"son, come close"
And his son leaned forward so he's inches away from his father. The father grabs a watch from his night stand, a very fancy one, and whispers
"son, this watch has been worn by multiple generations, your great grandfather, your grandfather, and me."
The son with tears on his face says
"Yes father, what about it"
And his father, with his last breaths says:
"We'll, son... Wanna buy it?"

A man visited a movie studio and was browsing the wardrobe archives.

He asked a costume designer which were her favourite pieces.
Well, that shirt there was worn by Pacino. That jacket was put together for De Niro. And these boots were made for Walken.

George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your s**... life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.
In short, you could say he was a
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

What do you call a piece of clothing worn by bees that give them Saturday night fever?

A bee-gilet.

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.

"What is it made of?" she asked."Alligator's teeth," the man replied."I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

A before Viagara Joke

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."
The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.
The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"
Grandpa smiles and says, "That's from Grandma!"

The nun's old outfit

A nun noticed that the outfit she had worn for twenty years was faded, so she got some plants and chemicals and tried to change the color, but no matter how many times she tried, the color stayed the same.
Old habits dye hard.

Teaching as a career

A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."

I'm in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We've been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.
This will end in defeet.

A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'
'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'
'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'
'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I make sure to put on tights.'
'I see, why did you only start doing that three years ago?'
'Well lass, was about three years ago that my wife found a pair of tights in the back of my car.'