World War Two Jokes
34 world war two jokes and hilarious world war two puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about world war two that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest World War Two Short Jokes
Short world war two jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The world war two humour may include short world war 2 jokes also.
- If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other... ... Would that be a third-world war?
- If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland... Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?
- My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two! He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
- TIL during World War Two, a cheese factory in France was bombed by the Germans. De brie was everywhere!
- Polio is a lot like how Japan was in World War 2. Two drops and you'll be able to get rid of it.
- What was the difference between conscription in World War One and conscription in World War Two? The year.
- Guy one: "Bro I missed the first world war..." Guy one: "Bro I missed the first world war..."
Guy two: "Don't worry man, they made a sequel"
Guy three: "I heard it bombed in Japan" - Final Fantasy is the Japanese version of Call of Duty. It's how they remember World War Two.
- Did you hear about the Allies prototype ice bomb from World War Two? It was called "Hail h**...".
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World War Two One Liners
Which world war two one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with world war two? I can suggest the ones about world war ii and war ii.
- What would happen if two African countries get in a war? A 3rd World War.
- What did the poles do during world war two? They held the telephone wires off the ground.
- What comes after World War One and World War Two? World War Tweet
- What do you call a jew that fought in the world war two? A camper
Hilarious World War Two Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about world war two you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean world war one jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make world war two pranks.
Old Finnish ww2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Two friends are having a conversation about World War 2
The holocaust wasn't that bad.
Of course it was!
I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown.
Why the clown?
See, no one cares about the Jews.
A Jewish and a Chinese Guy.
Once two dudes, a Jewish and a Chinese were talking.
J: You evil Japanese started World War 2 by b**... Pearl Harbour.
C: I'm Chinese, not Japanese.
J: But you all look the same.
C: Well you sunk the Titanic.
J: That was an iceberg.
C: Iceberg, Goldberg, Bloomberg, its all the same to me.
Two Germans in London
Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"
More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.
War of the Worlds in My Pants
The Two Towers in My Pants
Great Expectations in My Pants
To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants
Rising Strong in My Pants
Zwei Gin Bitte!
During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
After the World War 2
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting England. British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland. "A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth. "Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked. Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
A grandpa and his 10 year old grandson are at a restaurant...
While they are eating, a baby screams across the restaurant.
The grandpa says "Was that you?"
The 10 year old looked very mad while the grandpa laughed
The next day, the two are watching a world war II movie
During the movie a soldier screams
The boy says "Was that you?"
The grandpa says "No that was Jeremy"
Two Italian men are deep sea fishing in the middle of the Mediterranean...
Vinny and Paulo were deep sea fishing on a bright sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. Upon noticing this round spiky object coming nearer and nearer to the boat, Vinny shouted, "Paulo! It's a mine, it's a mine!!!"
Paulo replied, "Okay Vinny, you can-a have it!"
A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.
He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.
He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out and firing in front of me and my buddies. We had to go in defense position and try to outflank them, but they got flight leader. On second approach we shot a few down and dispersed the rest. On third approach I shot two Fokkers down, but another one got me in the rudder. I went into tail spin and had to bail out. Luckily the f**...-"
The principal of the school suddenly interjected, as at this point nearly everyone was laughing. "Now, students, please be respectful of our guest and where he is from. As some of you may know, a Fokker," the principal said slowly, carefully pronouncing the word, "is a type of German fighter plane used in World War II. There is no need to-"
The Finn had to interrupt, "Excuse me Mr. Principal, actually Fokker is Dutch. We were shooting down Messerschmitts."
Angel: Hi God, what's up?
God: Angel, yeah, come in, come in...
Angel: What do you need?
God: Do you remember World War One?
Angel: Yeah
God: Well, it's been almost a hundred years, I think we're ready for World War Two
Angel: You mean World War Three???
God: World War Two.
Angel: Huh?
God: Remember after World War One, I told you to give them a second? Let humanity rest for a bit...
Angel: Yeah... after World War One... sooo... give them a second...
God: Give them a second...
Angel: Give them a second?
God: Give them a second?!?
Angel: Give them a second????
God: Give them a second!!!!
A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...
It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.
"OK class." Said the American teacher, "If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"
Most of the children in his class answered with pretty much the same thing. "It's easy." Replied the class, "One child gets two oranges, the second gets a half, the third gets an eighth, the fourth gets nothing, and we keep the rest to throw at our enemies."
On the other side of the world, in Russia, the Soviet teacher asks the same to her own class.
"Students." She asked, "If I had three oranges, and had to distribute them fairly to four children, how many oranges will each child have?"
The Russian class asked their teacher "What are oranges?"
Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears
The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...
Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others path, and they decide to stop and stay for a while before the world ends. so they stay and drink and joke and have a jolly good time. By the end of the day the American missile is drunk and says, "You know... we should go now." To which the Soviet missile replies, "You're right, let me walk you home."
Perceptions vary
Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .
The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."
The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."
The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"
The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.
Confession...
An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the n**.... So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with s**... favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest
and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s**... favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"