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World War Ii Jokes

68 world war ii jokes and hilarious world war ii puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about world war ii that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest World War Ii Short Jokes

Short world war ii jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The world war ii humour may include short world war two jokes also.

  1. No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
  2. During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
  3. My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
  4. ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
  5. My Grandfather once told me about how he fought bravely in World War II, so I asked him how many years he served for the U.S. He replied "Nein."
  6. Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed? Mussolini, because he was the fascist
  7. So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
  8. Why did the Germans have a vitamin C deficiency during World War II? All the juice was put in concentrate camps
  9. Is there a correlation between the size of a nose and the sense of smell? Because I read somewhere that back in World War II people with big noses smelled gas much more often.
  10. When Japan invaded China in World War II... ...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

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World War Ii One Liners

Which world war ii one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with world war ii? I can suggest the ones about world war 2 and war ii.

  1. My grandparents fought during World War II. They ended up getting a divorce.
  2. What did the child say after World War II ended? "Look, ma! No Hans!"
  3. Why did World War II last so long? Because the USSR kept Stalin.
  4. Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II? They were Fascistanating
  5. Which frog was most influential during World War II? Rosie the Ribbeter
  6. How are craft beer and World War II soldiers alike? Both are better from the draft.
  7. World War II? More like world war jew.
  8. Where did the Russians send the Italians during World War II? The gabagulag.
  9. Why did Germany lose World War II? Because they kept looking for Macht. "Where Macht?"
  10. Which World War II battle is favorite amongst women? Battle of the bulge
  11. Which war is referred to as "the war to end all wars"? The one right before World War II.
  12. What was the Internet called during World War II? Access and all lies.
  13. What's a self-defense tactic used against the n**... in World War II? Jewjitsu.
  14. Why did h**... lose World War II? Because his r**... exceeded his grasp.
  15. The average size of p**... increased after World War II Fore many reasons

Playful World War Ii Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about world war ii you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean world war one jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make world war ii pranks.

World War II started because Burger King s**... up Chuck Norris' order.
Today Burger King NEVER gives you onions unless you ask for them.

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II...

He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.
"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.
"Oh no," cries the pilot, "lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"
The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."
A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.
"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."
"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"
Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."
After another week, the American wakes to the German again.
"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."
"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."
"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.
"...but...why not?" asks the American.
"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.

He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.
He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out and firing in front of me and my buddies. We had to go in defense position and try to outflank them, but they got flight leader. On second approach we shot a few down and dispersed the rest. On third approach I shot two Fokkers down, but another one got me in the rudder. I went into tail spin and had to bail out. Luckily the f**...-"
The principal of the school suddenly interjected, as at this point nearly everyone was laughing. "Now, students, please be respectful of our guest and where he is from. As some of you may know, a Fokker," the principal said slowly, carefully pronouncing the word, "is a type of German fighter plane used in World War II. There is no need to-"
The Finn had to interrupt, "Excuse me Mr. Principal, actually Fokker is Dutch. We were shooting down Messerschmitts."

A Russian World War II veteran

Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."

A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want us to have juice in our house."

Confession...

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the n**.... So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with s**... favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

Stalin, a secretary, and a general

It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".
Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".
Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"
"The despicable Fascist s**..., Adolf h**.... That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.
Stalin turns to his secretary.
"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"

Two Italian men are deep sea fishing in the middle of the Mediterranean...

Vinny and Paulo were deep sea fishing on a bright sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. Upon noticing this round spiky object coming nearer and nearer to the boat, Vinny shouted, "Paulo! It's a mine, it's a mine!!!"
Paulo replied, "Okay Vinny, you can-a have it!"

A World War II joke

What was the German Shepard's defense at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."

French rifle

Im gonna sell French rifle from the II world war, hardly not used, once thrown xD

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

h**... won World War II

But it's all r**... now.

I dont understand World War II...

What did h**... Jew that was so wrong?

If I take care of pigeons during World War II and I get a lot of honor for it. Does that make me...

a venerated vet vet?

What did Americans never drink during World War II?

n**...

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences.

During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, How did you know the war was over?
He replied, They stopped shooting at me.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

Hellen Keller At A World War II Battle

Soldiers at a World War II battle ask Hellen Keller what side she is fighting for.
She replies "Not-see"

Three Americans who died in battle: a World War I soldier, a World War II soldier, and a Civil War soldier are waiting to get into heaven

Since there seems to be a massive line of people ahead of them, they decide to start chatting amongst themselves.
The WWI soldier says, "So, there I was in the trenches, fightin' that evil German overlord with ridiculous f**... hair!"
The WWII soldier says, "Well, *I* was on Omaha Beach fightin' another evil German overlord with ridiculous f**... hair!"
And then the Civil War soldier says, "Well, the guy I was fighting, he had some German ancestry I guess, and the ridiculous hair wasn't exactly on his face; you know what, lemme just show you his account on Twitter."

TIL that in World War II, German captain Karl Adolf s**...nearly sank a U-1206 submarine because he used the toilet.

My uncle was put in prison in World War II when board games were i**...

They found out he was a Yahtzee sympathiser

A grandpa and his 10 year old grandson are at a restaurant...

While they are eating, a baby screams across the restaurant.
The grandpa says "Was that you?"
The 10 year old looked very mad while the grandpa laughed
The next day, the two are watching a world war II movie
During the movie a soldier screams
The boy says "Was that you?"
The grandpa says "No that was Jeremy"

My grandfather was treated very poorly by n**...'s during World War II

Time and time again those b**... s**... him out of a promotion.

Takes me back to World War II.

Stalin: Knock knock
h**...: Who's there?
Stalin: Moscow
h**...: I don't get it
Stalin: Exactly.

A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the n**....

They start to banter and brag with each other.
The American says to the Soviet, you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout I hate America! and nothing would happen to me.
The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, yes, in the Soviet Union we also have such freedom, I too could stand in front of the Kremlin and shout I hate America! and nothing would happen to me either...

Old Finnish ww2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."

There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.

True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"
"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LIN. The city changed the pronunciation around World War II due to unwanted association with Germany."
Then my 4-year old daughter said, fully serious, "is that why we say POOPIN' instead of POOTIN'?"

What's the most underrated joke you've heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:
Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: World War II.
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."
The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."
"That is correct. How did you recognize it?"
"Because it looks so human."

jokes about world war ii