World Greatest Jokes

89 world greatest jokes and hilarious world greatest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about world greatest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest World Greatest Short Jokes

Short world greatest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The world greatest humour may include short worlds greatest jokes also.

  1. Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world... But it's up there.
  2. There's a father and a son sitting in their living room. The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"
    The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa"
  3. How do you know America is the greatest country in the world? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
  4. Who was the greatest financer in the bible? Noah, cause he floated his stocks while the rest of the world was in liquidation.
  5. My dad is the world's greatest magician.. He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.
  6. A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world But it's a solid #2.
  7. With all the turmoil in the world, the US benefits from its two greatest allies... The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
  8. Who are the greatest financiers in the bible? Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.
  9. When I went to Poland I saw the greatest dancing group in the country When my wife asked what I did there I told her I saw the worlds best pole dancers!
  10. Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

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World Greatest One Liners

Which world greatest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with world greatest? I can suggest the ones about greatest and world fastest.

  1. Did you hear about the world's greatest ninja...? Me neither.
  2. Tenacious D: This is not the greatest river in the world.. This is just a tributary.
  3. Chuck Norris is the world's greatest mathematician. He knows the last digit of Pi
  4. US democracy is the envy of the world... It is the greatest that money can buy.
  5. The world's greatest procrastinator walked into a bar. The
  6. At what age did the world's greatest sushi chef begin his training? Tuna half.
  7. Why was the worlds greatest painter's wardrobe so small? He only ever needed one coat.
  8. The leader of the free world just told the greatest joke ever. He said (unintelligible)
  9. You know how many beers the greatest physicist In the world could drink? Ein Stein
  10. I've got plans to build the world's greatest convenience store..
  11. I have The World's Greatest T-Shirt. See, it says so right on the front.
  12. The greatest country in the world is not the USA... ... It's the greatland!
  13. The greatest composers the world has ever seen are now.....

Giggle-Inducing World Greatest Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about world greatest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean world tallest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make world greatest pranks.

What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear Jordan.

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.
She has a small issue, after a car c**..., she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'll have a lovely day together, cheer, laugh, have fun, but she wont remember a thing in the morning.
We have our burdens, but I wouldn't leave her for anything in the world! I admire the way she handles her difficulties and I am proud of her.
Also: did I mention that, you know ... in the bedroom, she's willing to try anything, just once, to see if she likes it.

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.
The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!
The president of Budweiser asked for The King of Beers, make it a Bud! .
Adolph Coors requested a From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind.
And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
And you sir? he queried.
I'll have a Coke! was Guinness's reply.
A Coke??!? The waiter was shocked.
Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?
Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. Well, he said, If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.
The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."
The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."
So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.
The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.
The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."
The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."
So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.
The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.
"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."
"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."

The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up:
"sir... The fly is still alive."
"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"


Mother Teresa passed away and was on her way up to Heaven when she finally met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looked at her with such pride and said, "Mother Teresa! Thank you for everything you did for the world. Because of the good you did, I will give you this halo. Only the greatest figures in world history get these ." She thanked him as he placed the halo upon her head. She then walked into heaven and saw some of these amazing figures wearing halos, too. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., Abe Lincoln, etc. Then she looked over and noticed Princess Diana with a bigger halo than everyone else. Mother Teresa stormed over to St. Peter, and started yelling, "You know, I was born into wealth, and gave that all away to live in complete poverty. The s**... of the Earth my whole life!" To which he replied, "I know! We greatly appreciate it. What is the problem?" She replied, "How come Princess Diana gets a halo? She was born into wealth, stayed wealthy her whole life, and I just don't think she did anything above and beyond to deserve that halo." St. Peter was confused. He looked at Mother Teresa and said, "Um, that isn't a halo. That's a f**...' steering wheel."

What's the greatest trick the Austrians ever pulled off?

It was to convince the world that Mozart was austrian and that h**... in fact was German.

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Sleep is the greatest thing on earth.

It's so great that if everyone did it at the same time, there'd actually be world peace.

A golfer makes a hole in one.

A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole in one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says.
" I am the hole in one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest lover in the world."
They guy thinks it over and says: " I think I want to shoot par."

The fairy says: " you must have a pretty good s**... life, how often do you have s**...?"
The guy says: " Maybe once every two weeks."
The fairy says: "Is that all?"
The guy replies: " For a priest in a small town, that's pretty good."

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the f--k is Chris Cairns?" asked Pinocchio.

I wanted to be the world's greatest Masterbator

I'm doing my best but there is some stiff competition

I met the world's greatest person today...

But then I realised that I was looking in the mirror.

A woman is reading Cosmo ...

A man boards a plane and sits down next to an attractive blonde woman reading Cosmo. He asks if she found any interesting articles. She goes on to say she just read about the world's greatest lovers. She tells him that Germans last longest in bed, the French are the best kissers, and Native Americans give the best back massage. She looks up from her magazine, smiles and asks the man his name. He stutters for a minute and blushes "err my name is umm ... Hans-Jacques-Running Bear".

Why was Noah the best businessman?

He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.
The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.
Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.
He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.
Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"
And then Aristotle got a room.

What is the greatest accomplishment of the Austrian people?

Successfully convincing the rest of the world that Beethoven was Austrian and that h**... was German.

TIL the band Tenacious D didn't actually sing the greatest song in the world

It was just a tribute

Stallman, Torvalds and Knuth have a conversation.

Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth
engage in a discussion on whose impact
on the computerized world was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."

Roses are red, violets are blue...

Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.

That's why he passed Obamacare and the stimulus and Dodd-Frank and the deal with Iran. It is a systematic effort to change America. When I'm president of the United States, we are going to re-embrace all the things that made America the greatest nation in the world and we are going to leave our children with what they deserve: the single greatest nation in the history of the world.

If you thought black people were mad about the Oscars...

wait until the nominations come out for the World's Greatest Dad Award.

Some say Hillsborough was a bad thing

But in my opinion it was the worlds greatest moshpit

My mother is the world's most beautiful model, and my dad is the world's greatest physicist.

I got my mother's brains and my dad's looks.

I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning...

it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane, the plane was plummeting and was going to c**... into a building.
There were only 3 parachutes. "I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute" said Obama. "I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute" said Trump. They both grabbed their parachutes and lept out of the plane.
The pope said to the young boy. "Go ahead son, take the parachute". The boy replied "It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag."

The greatest heist in the world

happened last week and we even enjoyed watching two people fight with their share.

English food and English women

the two factors that made the greatest naval explorers the world has ever seen

Poor old Robert Mugabe is possibly the greatest president the world has ever seen....

What other premier can claim to have turned almost all of his countrymen into millionaires?

A new element was just discovered that not even the greatest minds in the world could have prepared for...

It was the element of surprise!

Who's the World's greatest athlete?

The Guy who finishes first and third in a m**... contest.

I told my dad I have the World's Greatest Dad Joke.

He said, "I'd love to hear it, World's Greatest Son."

Have you heard about this average girl that is actually one of the world's greatest pilots?

They call her Plane Jane.

I became the world's greatest magician when I was born

My first trick was making my father disappear.

The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.
"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"
Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"

Let Me Tell You Who The World's Greatest Procrastinator Is

RemindMe! Forty Two Years "Maybe Tell People Who The World's Greatest Procrastinator Is"

Sherlock bones the worlds greatest doggy detective has solved yet another mystery with the help of his partner Dr.Dogson, but how did they do it?


Apparently Neymar is heading to Thailand to help with rescuing the kids from the cave

They need the world's greatest diving expert

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.
Your move David.

I don't understand why people think Toph is so cool for being the greatest earthbender in the world...

but never give Aang any credit for being the greatest airbender in the world.

I am undoubtedly the greatest, best and most skilled person in the entire world at...

making self-deprecating jokes

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

She wasn't the worlds greatest mother but at least she never negligee'd me.

Oh sorry Freudian slip.

Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me

Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest
Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes

Never any appreciation

Sure, I might be one of the world's greatest pickpockets, but does anyone ever notice?
However, there was one time when I ended up in a police lineup, but even then I didn't get the recognition I deserved.

I once shook hands with the world's greatest thief...

I'd hoped to get his autograph, too, but he was in a hurry to meet with some lobbyists before a big vote.

Bob Saget aristocrat joke

Man #1: A guy goes into a talent agent's office. He says, `I have the greatest act in the world.'
Man #2: Hey, oh.
Man #3: Me and my wife go on stage. We get undressed and I start (censored) my wife.
Man #4: I remember my grandmother sitting me down and telling me the joke. So she only spoke Yiddish. The only English word she knew was (censored).

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!

Batman and Robin get ready for patrol

Batman: You ready Robin?
Robin: I'm not sure about this costume Batman. It's so bright and red. And why do I have to wear a silly yellow cape?
Batman: Well, we're superheroes Robin. We got to dress the part.
Robin: I'm still not sure about this Batman. I mean, you aren't dressed in any bright colors at all!
Batman: Well, if I did that then they'll be shooting at me and not you now wouldn't they? And didn't I train you to be the greatest acrobat in the world? So why all the worrying? The other ones never complained about this, they loved being heroes, god rest their souls.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

The greatest magic trick

A world famous Hispanic magician walked on stage to thunderous applause from a large crowd. He announced to the audience that he would disappear before their very eyes before the count of three. He begins the count Uno, Dos.. p**...! He disappeared without a Tres.

jokes about world greatest