The Best 77 Works Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Works jokes. There are some works efficiently jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these works first day at work puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Works Jokes and Puns

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.


He said, NO!

I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.

He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates said, NO.

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, NO.

I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

He said, OK.

This is how politics works.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

Works joke, I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have sex. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have sex with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of sex' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."


My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Works joke, The Great Writer

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...

They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

You can explore works retail reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean works workin dad jokes. There are also works puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

What do you call a hooker who works for spaghetti?

A pastatute!

I just thought up a really nerdy joke...

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following:

**HIRES**

If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...

And then plug me back in. See if that works.

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.

In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.

The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Works joke, A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The brain

The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.

A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works

Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it

Only then does the coffin' stop

If a guy with Red Hair works at a Bakery, does that make him a GingerBread Man?

I ask this because I'm baked at the moment..


I asked God for a bike...

... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.

My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter

As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.

She's also stupid.

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil Serpent

Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables.

Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?

Works, doesn't it?

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.

I think my math teacher works for the CIA...

He always wants to put radicals in isolation.

What do you call an epileptic midget who works in a pizzeria?

Little seizures.

I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the tampon factory where he works.

There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

I asked my friend who works in google how it is out there ?

He said " can't complain "

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".

credits to u/Mr-Everest

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.

I think she is a keeper.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

I saw a billboard today that said, "Pregnant? You're not alone."

I thought to myself, "Isn't that how it works?"

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.

The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.

The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Justin told me my mama was so fat she had a gravitational orbit ...

I told him he doesn't understand how physics works, cause everyone has a gravitational orbit.

Then I informed him his dad is so massive that his gravitational orbit is so large, not even light can escape it β€” and that's why he hasn't seen his dad in 20 years!

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

I told my doctor, I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.

Doctor: That's not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.

This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.

But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

My friend works in IT, and I asked him, How do you make a motherboard?

He said, I usually tell her about my job.

What works faster than a calculator?

A calcunow

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied



A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3?

No

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they'd call them Filet Mc'gnons

...also it's my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.

Doctor: That's not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance

So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?

So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream there, you know. Like in the first dream, I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley and we were swimming towards each other. And then I woke up. So I fell asleep again, and ended up shooting pool with David Brinkley.

Soviet Factory

One compatriot who works in a factory suddenly decides to get a folding ladder, climbs to the top, and hangs upside down holding himself with his legs.

The factory officer notices, comes over to him, and says "what are you doing?"
He responds "I'm a light bulb".
The factory officer reponds "Uhh, clearly you are too tired, go home and rest!"
The worker climbs down and leaves for home.
A few seconds later, another worker stumbles towards the exit.
The officer says "Where are you going?"
and he responds "I can't work in the dark"

What is the fat man who works at the lamp store trying to do?

Cellulite

A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.

Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.

One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to dozens of men, an old man came walking through the bread aisle. "Excuse me, sir," she said. "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," replied the old man, "but it's twitchin' a little!"

Matthew McConaughey has a younger brother who works as a court clerk.

Everybody knows him for his signature phrase:'All rise, all rise, all rise'.

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

Why did Jesus get in a serious car accident?

God works in miss steering ways

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the works back to work jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working works bored at work piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes