Works Jokes

What are some Works jokes?

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.


He said, NO!

I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.

He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates said, NO.

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, NO.

I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

He said, OK.

This is how politics works.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.

I think she is a keeper.

How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"

I think my math teacher works for the CIA...

He always wants to put radicals in isolation.

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".

credits to u/Mr-Everest

The brain

The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...

And then plug me back in. See if that works.

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

I asked my friend who works in google how it is out there ?

He said " can't complain "

My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.

The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.

The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.

Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables.

Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?

Works, doesn't it?

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the tampon factory where he works.

There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.

A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works

Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it

Only then does the coffin' stop

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil Serpent

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

What do you call a hooker who works for spaghetti?

A pastatute!

If a guy with Red Hair works at a Bakery, does that make him a GingerBread Man?

I ask this because I'm baked at the moment..

I saw a billboard today that said, "Pregnant? You're not alone."

I thought to myself, "Isn't that how it works?"

I just thought up a really nerdy joke...

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following:

**HIRES**

"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter

As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.

She's also stupid.

I asked God for a bike...

... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...

They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

What do you call an epileptic midget who works in a pizzeria?

Little seizures.

so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have sex. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have sex with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of sex' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

Justin told me my mama was so fat she had a gravitational orbit ...

I told him he doesn't understand how physics works, cause everyone has a gravitational orbit.

Then I informed him his dad is so massive that his gravitational orbit is so large, not even light can escape it β€” and that's why he hasn't seen his dad in 20 years!

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.

In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.

The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

How Politics Really Works

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."


He said, "Yes."


I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No."

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "Okay."

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.

He said, "No."

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."

He said, "Okay.

This is exactly how politics works.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

A beautiful young lady works in a brothel [NSFW]

But she would never tell her family or friends about it.

One night during a police raid, all the girls need to get in line outside the brothel.

And while in line, the grandmother of the young lady walks by: "Julie, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" "Well grandmother, at the front the line they give away free oranges!"
"Free oranges! I'll better get me some." And the grandmother steps in line.

Meanwhile the line gets processed and every girl gets interrogated.
When the cop comes at the end of the line his eyes widen: "What? You? At your age? What are you doing here?"

"Ah it's no problem, I just take it my teeth and suck them dry!"

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?

An air stylist.

I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

My father works as a statistician at Ford.

He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.

A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of the other kids said. "My mom ate a scratched disc when she was pregnant with me and nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...happened."

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a hooker. She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."

Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...

The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start sucking on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."

A lawyer is about to enter a party..............

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor? The man replies, I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS.

Jim and his sex life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.

You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his sex life has suffered because of it.

Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.

Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"

His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"

So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.

On the 30th day his doctor phones.

Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"

Jim: "Yeah I did doc."

Doc: "Well how's your sex life? Did it improve?"

Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"


Told to me by my grandmother

A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"

Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:

"He had a hat!"

Telling a girl to calm down:

works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

A chemist walks into a bar...

He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"

The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."

"Fantastic!" the chemist responds with a grin reaching from one cheek to the other, "Today, I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms and a sulphur atom!"

The bartender takes a step back in shock, "W-wow!" he replies, "That's BaNaNaS!"

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

Mom, are you okay?

A guy had a blind date last night. But he was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

It works every time.

So he knocked on the girl's door. Turns out he needn't have worried.

She was gorgeous!

He couldn't get over how attractive she was.

Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)

Mujibar get a job in India

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.

How to make Works jokes?

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