Working Mom Jokes

A father went to take his daughter from school.

While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

This mothers day, Men all around were criticized for not calling their mothers on such an important day.
But me, I thought of the best way to get out of such a mess.
Heres how the beginning of the Monday after Mothers Day went for me:
Mother: "You know Mike, I was thinking and out of all my sons, you never called me on Mothers Day!"
Me: "You know Mom, I was thinking, and out of all my mothers, you never called me on SON-day!"
Something like this is bound to make her smile and forget, worked with my Mom!

A blonde went to work...

Her boss found her crying in her office and went to see what's wrong. She told him that her mom had just died. He told her to go home and take the week off. She then said that that wasn't the problem. Puzzled, he asked what the problem was. "My sister called me, her mom died too!"

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

"What are those things on mommy's chest?"

A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"

A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of the other kids said. "My mom ate a scratched disc when she was pregnant with me and nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...happened."

My mom told me not to kill the spider but to take it out...

so I did, we had a few drinks, top lad he is..currently working as a web designer.

I told my mom I was going to go work the polls.

She replied, "don't forget to wipe it down before you start your set."

Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...

his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

My mom just got me off

of work early. I love when she comes by the office.
*Literally just happened

A man doesn't trust his wife...

He calls her from his work all the time asking where she is. She always tells him that she's in the kitchen preparing food. And so he asks her to turn on the mixer for proof, which she does.
One day he called his son and asked him where his mom is. His son said: "She went out like everyday... and took the mixer with her."

Divorce...

A man calls his mom to let her know that he planned to file for divorce from his wife:
"Well that's terrible!", his mom says. "You've only been together a few years. What happened?"
"It didn't work out, Ma."
"Oh, c'mon! There has to be more to it than that!"
"No, that's pretty much it. She just stopped going to the gym."

I was wondering what my mom did at the grocery store she worked at

She said she is a back door receiver, to which my dad replied "Yeah she is"

A student writes her parent's, "Deare$t Mom and Dad,

college i$ going well. I am making many friend$ and learning lot$. But $omething i$ mi$$ing, I ju$t wi$h I knew what it wa$. Anyway$, be$t wi$hes and I'll talk to you again $oon.
Her parents respond,
Dearest Daughter,
NOthing makes us happier than kNOwing you're doing well. We NOtice all the hard work and commitment you have put into your studies and it is definitely NOteworthy. We just wanted to ackNOwledge your accomplishments. Thank you for your letter and we love you.

At a particular down point in my life, I called Mom. I remember her saying "Son, when one door closes, another one opens!"

I said "Mom, it doesn't work that way in jail."

A kid is with his friends at school

One of his friends tells him, "If you want money go up to one of your parents and say I know the truth." The kid is like heck yeah I want money and goes up to his mom. "Mom I know the truth." The mom hands the kid 50 bucks and says, "Now your father doesn't need to hear about this right?" The kid thinks "Wow that worked great! I wonder if it works on other adults." So he goes to his mailman and says, "I know the truth." The mailman opens his arms wide and says, "Come here son!"

A man is going to a party with his girlfriend

and decides to buy some condoms. He tells the seller that he's hoping to get lucky at the party. Then he buys another and says to the seller, "Her mom's pretty hot too, might as well hope for the best."
Later, at the party, the man is very quiet. At the end, his girlfriend asks him, "Why haven't you been talking the whole night? It's almost like you didn't want to be here." The man replies, "I wouldn't have come at all if you had told me your dad worked at a drug store."

Mom always told me not to talk to strangers.

Especially the ones she brings home while Dad's at work.

My mom sent me a pic of the new Single Sign On page at her work.

I said "Wow, that's a picasso".

Funny Story

So yesterday I was arrested by some officer for aiding and abetting. I told him You have to leave your moms personal life separate from your work.

Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one.

According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.
It's weird how science works.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A man is getting a divorce with his wife

The man sits down with his daughter to break the news to her. The daughter is visibly upset and asks why.
The man explains gently, Your mother and I don't love each other anymore honey.
What does love mean dad? , the daughter asks.
Well, an example of love is when you come home from work and your wife is excited to see you , the man replies.
But dad, mom gets excited lots of times right when you come home!
The man is surprised. When has she ever gotten excited?
Well, whenever mom hears your car while she is in the bedroom with uncle, she always screams, 'my husband's home, he's here!'

Hey George

George and John are talking and George says he is leaving for another country to work.
''The only only thing i ask from you is to take care my cat and my mother'' he says.
Two months go by and John calls George and says '' your cat is dead''
George is shocked and tells John ''come on man, you should more gentle with such news. for example call me one time and tell me that my cat is on the roof and you cant get it down. Then call me and tell me that you are still trying but with no luck. And then call me to tell me that my cat is dead''
About two months go by again and John calls George
'' Hey Goerge, your mom is on the roof ''

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.
I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed the password into my computer, and sure enough, it worked.
Then he said, "I have no idea why you find it so hard to type Start123."

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.
Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy's stomach last night?
Mom: Johny you're old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so I need to jump on top of him to help him loose the belly.
Little Johny: I don't think that's going to work mommy.
Mom: Why do you say that?
Little Johny: When you leave for work the neighbor comes in and blow him back up.

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and saw his mother making a cake

I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished. He said to his mother.
After about two hours, the cake had finally cooled off, and him mom brought a piece of cake to Johnny's room. Upon seeing the piece of cake, the young boy exclaimed: Golly. It works!
What works? Johnny's mom asked with a puzzled expression.
Daddy told me that, in order to get a piece around here, you have to be really nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!