working Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious working stories

What are the best working puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Working? Well here is a complete list of the top working jokes:

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

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Handjobs



A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

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"Forget everything you learned in college...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

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65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge:

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about?

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Recently, i've tried to make a car without wheels.

I've been working on it tirelessly.

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Want to hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it.

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For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

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Clock Shop

So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick.
The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."

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Paddy and Murphy

...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

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I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".

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Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

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She left me a note...

I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?

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Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and fries, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.


I love working in the prison canteen.

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My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

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How did the T-Rex feel after working out?

Dino-sore

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A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."

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The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

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What's the worst part about working in a glory hole?

You only get paid in tips.

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A man had no idea what to be for his costume party.

Nothing was working out for him, and it finally came to him.

Later that night he walked out wearing only jeans. His wife asked him what he was supposed to be. He replied "A premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

~Again an old one, but I like it. Sorry if it's a repost~

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Snake bite

Leeroy and Jimmy are working out in the fields. Leeroy goes to take a piss and gets bitten by a snake on his penis. Jimmy runs for help. He can't find a doctor but a citizen tells him to suck the poison out with his mouth. Jimmy runs back to his friend. "Leeroy, you're going to die!"

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Sexual harassment

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.

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In all my years working at the Land Rover factory...

I made several discoveries

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JOB INTERVIEW


"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.

"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."

"How come?" she replied.

"Because I said blah blah blah."

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I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

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A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.

Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."

"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."

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You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

I'm working on it.

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How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.

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What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?

"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"

"Welcome. We're glad to have you"

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Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

He got crêped out.

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The worst part about working with a bunch of dicks...

...is they tend to rub off on you.

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The life of a clown

A clown goes to his boss to ask for a raise, the boss replies: "20 years working for me and you finally make me laugh."

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I have a really good construction joke

...but I'm still working on it.

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(A Polish joke told to me by my Polish mother) - A Caucasian man walks into a coffee shop and a woman politely says, "How may I help you?" The man replies, "Ill take my coffee like I like my women...light and sweet"...

A black man orders next. He says, "Ill take my coffee like I like my women, dark and sweet." A Polish man then walks up to the counter to order. Before he says a word, the woman working the counter politely says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any fat and ugly coffee here."

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Have you read the news?

I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice paddy when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack paddy whack.

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New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"

"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."

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I heard 2k14 is so real that when you give the ball to kobe,

the pass button stops working

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How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen?

Just Juan.

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A Priest and the Pope

A priest is in the vatican bathroom taking a piss at the urinals when the Pope walks in and stands next to him. The bishop just happens to look down and notice that the Pope is wearing what looks like a nicotine patch on his penis. He say to the Pope "I don't mean to be rude your holiness but I believe that those are supposed to go on your arms." The Pope smiles and says "No, it's working just fine, I'm down to three butts a day."

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My experiences working at an electronics store...

On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"

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My grandpa told me this the other day, a man checks into a hotel and finds that his tv isn't working.

Most of the channels work but a few are fuzzy, including the porn channels. So he goes downstairs and asks the attendent in the lobby, "Is the porn disabled here?"

She responds with "I'm sorry but it's just regular porn."

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Fords new heated tailgates..

Fords working on a new heated tailgate feature, that way when you have to push it in the snow your hands won't be cold.

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I've been working on my favorite puns...

I took ten of the best puns I knew and entered them into a local radio contest, hoping that one would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

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Today, I woke up and saw my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying this is not working bye

Don't know what she's on about, I opened it and it worked fine.

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Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.

"No, the sane people would use the plug..."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best working jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about working. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty working gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these working jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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